Interesting title right? I came up with that one all on my own. So I am home visiting the fam (if you read regularly then you know) for Thanksgiving, my birthday, our Anniversary and my sisters wedding. It has been a pretty full week.
I’ll have to get into the specifics of that later 
It isn’t all bad. It’s actually been pretty good for the most part. I do have news regarding the baby… right now the court is allowing A____ to keep him provided she is supervised- which my mom and Tia are completely willing to do. We are, however, going to be the baby’s guardian/god-parents so if anything happens the baby will come to us. We are pretty excited and it was my cousin A____ who asked us and it was her idea. So knowing that the baby is being looked after is comfort.
So yesterday my sister got married. It took everything I could not to cry and I was successful. I really like my new brother-in-law and now we have more Filipino’s in the family. So we went to Chili’s for the reception/dinner.
Things were pretty crazy so I grabbed my big bag and threw everything into it- make up, wallet, school book, lip balm, toothbrush and toothpaste. I have this really uber cute clutch that I was using so thats what I brought with me into the restaurant (which shall remain nameless.
Anyway, my bag was stolen from my Dad’s brand new car- that they bustedd the passenger-side window. So now I have no access to my own money. I should also probably mention that my power steering pump has died and now it sits outside- unable to go in any direction that is forward and backward. Not to mention the only key we have for the car was in the bag- a key that requires programing. Its not a cheap replacement.
So now I have to deal with trying to remember what cards may have been in there… I had my check book, bank card, and social security number which of course means that the bank and the SS office are the first trips after we pick up the dogs for the kennel- which should be interesting as I have no access to money or credit.
Why do these things happen to me? Is there some sort of lesson I’ve not learned that means I am continuously being taught “lessons”.
Well apparently they are still gonna have to send me to Wilford Hall in San Antonio. The GYN here is refusing to take me on as a patient. Whenever they call me I have to go for orientation… its supposed to be within 30 days but the case manager said that with the holidays coming up I wouldn’t get my phone call until next year. I have no idea why I have to go to this because I won’t even see a doctor or have a consult. The earliest they’ll see me is May 2010.
Then there is the whole moving issue. The case manager gave me the number to the hospital at Ft.Stewart but naturally no one answered the phone so I am gonna have to try that again probably later today (seeing as it is past midnight). Sigh…
And my mom has bought me fertility tea.
And my mother in law is telling me I don’t pray enough about it.
And I swear if I hear one more “well so and so tried for blah blah years and she got pregnant”….
I may just go all mental
My referral case worker called me at the beginning of this week. She asked me if anyone had called and informed me of the decision regarding my infertility. I told her that aside from telling me that I was denied both MTF and outside GYN I hadn’t heard a thing. She mentioned San Antonio and sending me over there (how is it they deny me a physican in my city and then want to send me across the state? Being Texas- that is quite a ways) to see their GYN dept there and my wait time is 7-8 months.
She then reviews the details of my file and asks me some questions about time and all that. Told her the whole sob story (well I didn’t sob and was quite to the point). That I am on my 58th cycle since we started trying. I already did a six months of clomid- three at 100 mg and three at 150. She asked me if I was in my 6th cycle and I explained to her we did three months, a break cycle for my trans vag and HSG, then three months. My last cycle was clomid #6 and currently in a new cycle.
She then says to me that she is going to try and get the GYN dept here to take my case (because I have already been through clomid she said. I personally think she has no idea whats going on) and it would be a month wait. I informed her that we have orders…
OHH right…
I didn’t say here…
We aren’t leaving here in February. We’ll be gone by mid-January (at this point). That means that I have only December since I am already just about half way through this cycle- provided I pop an egg in a reasonable amount of time. When we move we’ll be leaving Tri-Care West and headed into Tri-Care (whatever it is in the east coast region) and its basically switching insurance. There is a different referral processing center, the network of doctors are different, etc.
If we are lucky (which we have already established based on past experience isn’t the case) I can get into GYN here, get protocol and be midway through my cycle before we leave. Then maybe I can get set up with a doctor over there (I have no idea if there is a MTF or if we will be free to pick our own like we could in Atl) for the end of the cycle.
You know- the 26th it’ll be five years of being on this road. Tomorrow will be a year since the Asiana situation.
ARGH… I wish they didnt’ want my sanity so badly.
I don’t know what is goin on but yesterday and today I have major eye fatigue. I am not entirely sure that it is a cause – more likely a symptom. I am hoping that the CFS doesn’t flair because it will make life miserable. I have school to focus on and believe it or not the house is benefiting because I only break school to work on house chores.
I think this is my shortest post ever!
but… my eyes are tired.
You know how sometimes something in put into your life and it takes a few days to process?
Well I got a phone call from my mom last Thursday ( I believe it was) that put a rather difficult situation directly into my lap.
My Aunt O called my mom. Her daughter (my cousin) A__ gave birth to a gorgeous baby boy in October- about two and a half weeks past his due date. Everyone assumed things were going well but apparently my cousin is neglecting Little Man (LM for the rest of this post). It came to my Aunt O’s attention when on Sunday (I think) A__ called her at the last minute wanting her to babysit. A__ wanted to go out and party. Aunt O asked A__ what she would have done if she wasn’t available and A___ said (according to Auntie) that she would have just left him.
There in the house.. all by himself…
At this point the anger in me was a tightness in the center of my chest. I don’t understand the mentality. This is the cousin I mentioned at the beginning of the year who found out she was pregnant with twins by a man who is a married illegal alien while she was in jail for violating her parole. One of the twins passed early on.
This statement brought to mind (for both my mom and my Aunt) instances where they saw A___ without LM. There is at least one occation where no one knows with whom LM was while A___ was out visiting family.
Auntie asked A___ point blank about it and A___ said that if she (Auntie) wanted LM she could have him. The father of LM said that if Auntie didn’t want him and A___ didn’t want him then he would send the baby to his mother in Mexico.
Catch all that? Do you understand the feelings I had about the whole situation.
Anyway back to the story. So Auntie called Mama and told her everything that had happened. Auntie is already taking care of her other daughter’s children and can’t handle a baby right now. She called Mama to ask her if she would be willing to take him in, but Mama is dealing with my sister being pregnant and having to live in a smaller house than they were in last year. So Mama called me.
I’m sure you know what she asked. I told her that I would have to talk to the Hubbs and when he came home we did talk about it.
We talked about if we wanted LM just because we are so desperate to be parents and found that while it is there ( how can I deny that after trying all this time?) first and foremost is LM’s safety and future happiness.
So I called my Mama and told her that if A___ truly and honestly doesn’t want LM then we’ll bring him home with us when we go back for Thanksgiving. We’ll have the papers drawn up for termination of rights.
Mama called me on Friday to let me know that she passed the info to Auntie that we’d be willing if A___ is serious. The only provision we have is that we will only take him if she completely terminates parental rights. If she isn’t then Mama will take LM.
We can’t raise a child as our own with a cloud overhead. Wondering if A___ is going to want him and be able to take him away. My heart can’t handle that. I am still not over Asiana being taken from us on a technicality. I still wonder every day if she is okay…If she has friends…if she is enjoying kindergarten…if she is loved enough.
Auntie O was supposed to sit and talk with A___ over the weekend. I am not sure what is going on at this point. I am still a bit numb. And now I am even more apprehensive about this trip home.
I got the phone call today that I was denied my GYN request.
I called my primary and told her- she’s gonna call the referrals dept. and give them “a piece of her mind”.
I don’t think it matters if she fights for it. The Hubbs starts out processing in January and we are leaving in February.
This cycle is already shot for any kind of “help”. So that leaves us December and part of January- and even that is iffy.
My ovulation seems to have ceased (or at least become rather difficult) on my own so reasonably this cycle could be 50+ days.
If my primary gets this appt for me outside the MTF I know that I’ll be able to end the cycle (relatively) quickly- but- who knows how long that is gonna take. I mean I’m still waiting for cardiology to call me about my TTE to check my heart structure. I think that is pretty important and its been since April I’ve been waiting.
Happy Halloween to me!
Here.
All by myself.
With the dogs.
I finally finished my Old Testament paper a few hours ago. I was thinking about coming straight over to the blog but to be very honest I was just tired of typing! I really had a hard time with this paper. I think that because as I went along I had the feeling that the subject matter would be better addressed at the end of the class instead of the beginning. Anyway no matter cause I totally BS’ed my way through and even to surpass the minimum word requirement by a good 600 words. We’ll see how that works out.
As far as my English class goes I am completely frustrated with my professor. I am still waiting on a reply from my email I sent in the middle of the week that has to do with my work submission. He hasn’t posted any other contact information so I can call his office or anything. Yesterday I don’t know if I said it but I did file a complaint with the school. I don’t want to be that person but you know its money and its time that I am losing out on when the teacher isn’t doing his job.
The issue is moot now though because I upgraded my OS from Vista to Windows 7 and with it came a trial pack for the Microsoft Office suite! Now (again I don’t know if I mentioned it so I am going to mention it again) I ordered the software from the school bookstore but apparently there is some issue with my student verification so they can’t send it out until its all cleared up. I swear if the discount weren’t a couple hundred dollars I swear that I would just cancel the order and get it from Best Buy or Target! Anyway, so now I can actually do the assignment and not get docked because he can’t open the file- which wouldn’t surprise me.
I must say though that it will be interesting trying to diagram a sentence on the computer.
OH I got an offer in my email for one of those electronic pads. You know the kind where you can write and it comes up on the screen? Only 79 dollars.
Man I wish we had 79 dollars!
Oh my doctor called me and said that she put in a referral for Dr. N as an outside provider. I am not too optimistic about that getting approved. By the time it does get approved (if it does) this cycle will already be a bust. So that leaves December, January and February. I must admit though that there is this tiny tiny seed of hope that I will get these chances- even though I have no idea what the protocol will be since Clomid didn’t do anything to help. I do have my reservations though about cycling during the Christmas season. I don’t want to be a scrooge (speakin of which I can’t wait to see the new Disney movie with Jim Carey).
I am going to go read my book for a couple hours then grab some ZZZ’s. I so totally need to do the laundry tomorrow as well as sweep and mop the kitchen before the Hubbs comes home and makes it worse than it already is at this point.
Hope you all had a great time today- be it Halloween related or not
For some reason I have too much static in my head and trying to write my papers for my classes just isn’t working for me. Right now it is 11:35 at night. I need 750 words and I am stuck at 250. I figure if I just dump my thoughts I can clear up some room up there.
It is harder than I thought it would be going back to school. My brain is out of practice- seriously.
__
We didn’t qualify for a morgage so I don’t know what we are going to do as far as housing in Georgia. That really was a disappointment. The Hubbs credit score was a couple points shy of the minimum. My score more than meets the standard but since I am not working I am considered as not having an income. I can’t count his income as my own even though we are married and have been living on his pay for almost five years now. I don’t understand how every other kind of loan you can co-sign and apply a spouses income. I must say that I feel frustrated. And worried. I didn’t want to have to wait until we got there to find a home but I don’t see how we can do it another way. When we moved here it took us 3.5 weeks and a full paycheck to find a house and a home-owner that were willing to allow our dogs. We do have friends that we will probably be staying with until we find something but that is still going to cost us money. The deposits for the dogs- if we find anyone willing to allow them- are going to be somewhere in the 750 ballpark. Now even though it is about four months until we move, money isn’t a huge issue that we have to worry about because my Grandma said she’d help us out with moving money. To try and not depend on that too much we are going to be saving all the extra money that will be coming on the side in the coming months. My birthday is coming up as is our anniversary. Christmas and his birthday. Money is usually what we get from the few people who actually send us something. He also has his clothing allowance that is supposed to be for new uniforms. He will be using part of it to actually buy new Winter PT uniforms but his ACU’s are gonna have to make it another year. Whatever is left over will go into the moving fund. Oh and they’ve been screwin up our pay since May as well. The Hubbs spoke with the Sgt Major and he was told that once the paperwork is done we’d be getting a back pay check- which should be a good amount. That was last week. Today was payday and whatever the issue was it hasn’t been fixed yet. It wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t our grocery money- and we aren’t willing to be missing or skipping bills- even though we’ve had to reduce payments to the variables. My student loans went into deferment this month so a large part of that money will go toward the move. Our tax refund will go into the move as well.
__
I am getting more and more unable to handle my sisters little pregnancy quips that she posts on FB. In fact I absolutely hate seeing them. I don’t want to deal with it at all. I would prefer to pretend that I didn’t know she was pregnant. We are going home for Thanksgiving and I just don’t know how I am going to handle that- seeing her. I just don’t understand what reasoning there is that while my dreams are crashing down around me she gets everything I so badly want. I don’t want to be at her wedding.
It’s my week dang it!
I feel like I am just invisible and I’d just like to be seen. It has always been my week because of my birthday and then our wedding being the same week. She had to set her date right smack in the middle of it all. Literally in the middle of it all. Her gender ultra sound is the 23rd. She set her wedding the 25th. My birthday is the 24th and our anniversary the 26th. I have never in my life been jealous of my sister but the big green monster sure has taken up residence with the resentment bug who is on an overdose of bitterness. If I could drink at this point I would probably be all about it but the most I can do is drown it in coffee- which is nothing. I don’t know how to deal with this. I mean I was successful in avoiding my sister-in-law completely during the last 2/3’s of her pregnancy with Az. I mean yeah I was at the wedding but she was barely showing at that point.
__
The Hubbs is in Jacksonville this week so I am home all by my lonesome with the dogs. His best friend got into a really bad motorcycle accident yesterday afternoon. He has broken bones and head trauma. By the time I went to bed very early this morning – around 130- he still had not regained conciousness. Thankfully by the time I woke up James has woken up and was speaking clearly- which was in doubt. The doctor’s said they consider it a miracle that he is coherent with the head trauma he suffered.
__
I am pretty sure I will be avoiding FB the next couple days. I am not in the mental place required to endure children in costume pictures or status updates saying how much fun their kids are having. yada yada yada.
Remember how, in the last few posts, I have been saying that this cycle is wacked out?
Well now it isn’t just my body that is messed up but these people at the hospital/TMC!
Ok, I think I may have mentioned that I called on Monday to request a phone consult with Dr.N because my cycle seemed to be going the way of annovulatory. If such was the case then I just wanted to start the provera because I want to have as many possible cycles between now and when we leave to go back to Georgia. Phone consults are supposed to be answered within 72 hours.
On Tuesday afternoon I called to confirm that my request was still active. I did the same on Wednesday (the day I should have been called by) and Thursday. I called around noon today to demand why I hadn’t gotten a call back. It isn’t as though this is something that can be answered at leisure- its freakin time sensitive!
I must say that I have not been thinking good thoughts about Dr. N but this morning I realized that she has never not answered a phone consult request within a few hours. There was something going on.
I waited for almost 45 minutes on hold. Then they transfer me to the nurse and she asks me what is wrong. I said to her that what was wrong is that I haven’t heard from my doctor in a week and I want to know what is going on with her. She asked someone and didn’t put her phone on mute as she asked.
I hear that “Dr. N is no longer seeing patients at this facility”.
Jaw drop!
How have I called four days in a row and NO ONE inform me that my doctor is no longer practicing with Bliss/WBAMC?
Why didn’t I get a phone call telling me that they were no longer providing her services? It isn’t as though I am a new patient, I’m her first freakin patient at WBAMC!
So anyway, the nurse comes back on the line and all she says to me is “Dr. isn’t available. What can I help you with?” So I tell her that I haven’t ovulated and she heard that as I haven’t started yet. So she asked me “Could it be that you are pregnant?”
UH.. no. I can’t be pregnant if I haven’t ovulated. She asked me how I knew that and I told her that I have been tracking my cycles for four years at this point- we’d been trying for almost five years- and I know when I ovulate. She asked me how and so I told her I do my temp, cervical mucus, cervical position occasionally, ferning, opk’s, etc etc etc.
Figures they would give me a nurse who has no idea what I am talking about. She took down my information and my phone number and said that she was going to ask someone about it. I told her that my primary is Dr.D and it figures that she is out sick today.
So I am waiting for a return phone call. The phone rings and its the nurse. She tells me that she told whomever she spoke to that I had been on clomid for FIVE YEARS! So she tells me that whomever she spoke to wanted to know if I wanted MORE clomid.
WTH?!
Anyway she asks me if I want an appointment with a doctor and I tell her that I want to see Dr.D and not another doctor. So Tuesday morning I have an appointment to see her (I also have gained an ear infection in my right ear— fun times right?).
The bonus is that I have Dr.D’s personal number so you and I know that as soon as I hung up on the ignorant nurse (not generally ignorant- I am not so ungracious- she’s just fertility ignorant) that she was the next number I dialed.
Her reaction to me telling her was “No one called you?”.
Her answer to my question as to why Dr.N wasn’t there anymore didn’t really surprise me either.
Money cuts.
Of course this is strictly off record.
This year I’ve seen this happen in a couple of different places on post. New (civilian) doctor’s practicing a specialty have been let go. It happened at the physical medicine center (where I get my acupuncture done). Not my doctor but a few new doctor’s that were supposed to provide alternative treatments (like dietitians, etc) to round out the therapies provided. Money cuts mean that now instead of a “Physical Medicine and Alternative Therapies Center” it is just “Physical Medicine”.
So it looks like no matter what happened with this cycle this is the end of the road.
BIG PERIOD.
WAIT!
DON’T GO ANYWHERE.
THIS IS NOT A POLITICAL POST…
Ok, so war. I am currently at war with my phone. This phone that thinks that it can hold my information hostage and keep me from answering phone calls. Or returning any phone calls that I have so-called “missed” due to its apparent disregard for my needs and feelings.
It has decided to yell at me at random times during the day. My alarm is set for 7 but it only goes off when it feels like it (usually in the time between 9 and 10 in the morning). It is not against going off again in the afternoon hours.
I want to throw this POS across the room and into the wall.
I am beyond frustrated and I hang my head in defeat.
Freakin technology…
First, clomid update: Still nothin goin on. I feel as though this cycle may be annovulatory because I am on cycle day 19 and no hint of ovulation. There was that teaser temp that shot up for a day but besides that I’m just chilling out in pre-ovulatory temperatures. I am gonna request a phone consult with my doctor and see what she wants to do at this point.
As for other news, I am still excited about our move. Still trying to learn about the buyers market before we go for pre-approval. I am in a weird kind of place. I am so very ready to not be here anymore, but at the same time I don’t want to miss Az’s first Thanksgiving, first Christmas or first birthday. If we stay here we miss Jaelyn’s first Thanksgiving and first Christmas. We’ll already be in Georgia when her first birthday comes along. Selfishly, I am already thinking of ways to talk my brother into becoming a Medic when he gets activated to go to boot camp. Then talk him into requesting Ft. Stewart- just so that we don’t miss much with Az.
We also are no where near ready for a move at this point, but like I said previously, we have that ready-to-go feeling.
Outside of all that there isn’t much going on here on my side of the world. I’m gonna leave y’all with Az’s 9 month picture:
Go Cowboys!
Go Red Raiders (Texas Tech)!
Ok so for the longest time I tried to stay away from the uber interactive games on Facebook. I mean, it takes long enough to get through the status updates of my friends, family and various causes that I have joined so adding games onto things would mean that more time would be spent doing nothing.
I blocked the Mafia Wars, the various forms of farmville, Vamps v Werewolves etc.
But then I decided to help a friend out and join her “neighborhood” in Top Restaurant.
Which then led to Restaurant City and then to Cafe World.
Sigh…need to pull away… I need to reclaim my time!
So I am once again (fortunately) right on cycle with the calendar month! I like it because I don’t have to count the days really- and I can make my beta testing appt on the exact date the Doc wants.
So protocol this month is 150mg cycle days 4-7 (so I started yesterday) and a drop in progesterone suppositories mg (from 50 to 25).
I have determined (once again) that I am going to attempt to bring some other aspects of my life more to the fore front- hopefully bring in some lightheartedness as well.
Right now the biggest things going on outside of infertility is getting the G.I. Bill transferred over and waiting for MyCaa.com account to be approved (its a 6k grant for military spouses to gain or advance in portable careers). Teaching is pretty portable so hopefully I get approved in the next couple of weeks. The Hubbs has 2-3 years left on this particular contract and who knew that in order to transfer the benefits the soldier must have at least 4 years left in the contract? So this afternoon the Hubbs is going to the re-enlistment office and will hopefully be offered a bonus (cause we are seriously strapped for cash). He is willing to sign a 10 yr contract which would push back his retirement by two years- which isn’t too bad. If we get the bonus then we can kind of relax about getting the money for our moving expenses- which would be nice. Then it wouldn’t really matter how early they send us to Savannah- we’d have the funds there. Right now that is SO not the case! I know that the Hubbs is looking for anyway to get out of this unit, which includes asking for an early report date (in or before November- which would be crazy.
We’ll see how the cookie crumbles. Not really expecting much but hoping just the same.
I don’t know if I mentioned it in my previous post but my Big Daddy needed another stint in his heart last weekend. I was in Jacksonville and my Mama didn’t want me to worry so I didn’t find out about it until I got back home (like Wednesday). I am hoping that they don’t push back his appointment date from November. I wouldn’t be surprised if they did because they would use the reason of “he’s not healthy enough for surgery”. Well if he didn’t have to wait an extra 3 months for his kidney transplant (when they have the donor- my baby bro- and all the associated testing done). I personally think that the dialysis schedule and the drain that is on his body contributed to needing a stint.
Anyway on to less gloomy family issues: My brother and sister-in-law are hosting Thanksgiving this year! My sister-in-law is so excited and I am hoping that everything runs smoothly for her. Azuriah is growing and growing. She is beginning to teethe so a bit fussy but I have great pictures of her! I need to transfer those from my laptop onto this desktop (or edit this entry when I sign in with the laptop) because she is at her first tailgating party and in her costume for Halloween (a Monkey).
I think that is all for now. Simply because my eyeballs are beginning to cross.
Hope you all are having a relatively good day
My doctor called and scheduled me for a beta draw tomorrow morning. Just a few minutes ago I started spotting.
The kicker is that I still have to go get the beta done before I can get this last round of clomid.
That kind of leads into the news we got on Tuesday (just so you know).
October protocol is the same almost as last month: 150mg cycle days 5-9.
That will more than likely be the last cycle (though there is a chance that maybe we’ll get two or three additional cycles with different protocol).
November (probably the beginning) will be my lap.
December we probably will start packing and getting ourselves ready to move back to Georgia.
My husband was issued general orders on Tuesday and we’ll be going to Fort Stewart. No report date as of yet but a window of January 2010-April 2010.
Georgia (at least when we left a couple years ago) doesn’t mandate infertility coverage which is why when we were there we were never able to do ARTs. So the next few months is the last hurrah so to speak.
I’m not going to dwell on that though because I will be near people I know. 2 hours from my best friends. The Hubbs- his best friend was issued orders for Stewart and they will be there in November so he is REALLY looking forward to going back. 2 hours from our home church (less if we find something good south of the post).
After being so alone here in El Paso, I am more than ready to be near people who are excited that I am there. Who want me in their lives. People who care.
I didn’t quite realize how much until I went back these last couple of weeks. It was good to wake up in the morning and knowing that I had something to look forward to and people to talk with and laugh with and even argue with. I got to go with my best friend to try on bridesmaids dresses, help her size the most comfortable undergarments, take her measurements so her grandma could start sewing her dress. We even had a “cake trial” which was so much fun (a huge FAIL but fun none the less). I went to church, worked on Sunday School bus, and got to do visitation.
While on this trip I cut out my dad and his wife from my life. All the drama over all the years is just too much. She wanted to “talk” about the “issues” that was “driving a wedge in our relationship”. We’ve never had a “relationship”. Anyway, all that was code for “Let me tell you my altered version of history and inform you of how wrong you are”. The woman began this “healing” talk by calling my Grandmother a liar. Not wise to try and cut down the most important woman in my life. Continuing down that vein she then tells me that my Grandmother didn’t raise me even though she got me when I was 18 months and then again after my dad failed the second time. She tells me that my Uncle (who hasn’t spoken to my grandma for 23 years) forced her to get my brother and myself. After that she then informs me that my mother tried to kill both me and my brother while we were babies- which is so outrageous! I don’t even know where she came up with that- if that’s what my dad told her to make himself look better in her eyes. I don’t know.
Anyways, I told her and my father that I don’t need them in my life. That I feel it best for my own personal well-being that I not involve them and their issues into my life. I don’t need the frustration of being ignored when I reach out. I have my family: my husband, my mother, my step-dad (who treats me as a father should treat his daughter), my Grandmothers, my siblings (even when they drive me crazy), Aunts/Uncles/cousins, and of course my nieces. I have my friends who value me for what I am and who I am. People who don’t seem to set out to make me feel like less of a person, like the one at fault, etc.
You know, after those God awful 8 hours of listening to her try and justify her actions I feel at peace with my decision. It seems like I have shed 50 tons off my back. I can breathe. It feels good.
So for now I guess that is everything! Well, a summary of everything—
but wait…
School.
So I was supposed to be starting school on the 28th only with the transcripts getting there I didn’t need that class. So I get a month- the 26th is when I start now. In the first term I am taking on all of my English classes: ENG200, ENG201, ENG 25–something, and ENG3–something. Its kind of late and my mind isn’t remembering the numbers. I’m very excited to be jumping right into things! I’ll write more about that as the days go by I am sure!
So that is where I am. Cycle day 30, stopped my progesterone three days ago(last dosage was Sunday night), and negative HPT today.
Protocol this cycle was 150mg CD3-7 and Progesterone Suppositories after confirmation of ovulation (so three days- ovulation was CD 14).
Waiting on my Doc to let me know when I can go to the lab for a blood draw but she has been sick and unable to come in until today. So I understand that she is working with a back-log. Knowing that certainly doesn’t help the waiting though.
Every other cycle where I stopped progesterone my cycle ended within 48 hrs.
Tomorrow I plan on posting all about my trip to Jacksonville, some family issues, as well as some really good news we got yesterday (though it will affect our infertility coverage)! Oh and I can’t forget about school news as well!
Today I feel compelled to make a post. One to add to the many made in remembrance of 09-11-2001.
I won’t be able to write much because I don’t think I have quite dealt completely with what happened on that day.
I remember that I was in Florida- just getting out of my English 101 class and driving to work at the Naval station. The panic and almost frantic reaction that turned my car toward home. Calling on my cell to see if my Grandma was alright, if my family was okay. Over and over again- dialing any number that might work. The not knowing how my loved ones were. The fear for my uncle who serves in the NYPD. The wondering about childhood friends. Even now, I think about it and my heart jumps into my throat and I have a moment of being unable to function.
I don’t remember how my oldest brother reacted or how my dad reacted. Here were my priorities: My Grandma was and still is my anchor and all that mattered was that she was okay. My other Grandma lived (and still lives) in Manhattan with my Great-Grandma and Great Uncle. I have cousins and aunts and uncles scattered over the boroughs of New York City. It was days before we got word of how anyone was doing. Days before we found out if anyone we knew was gone…
Only one is gone …was never found…
Since that day I haven’t ventured to the footprints of those buildings. I can’t handle that while it still sits as a scar. I tried once in 2002 and just approaching that part of town was too much.
So I haven’t forgotten and I don’t think I ever will. I have these feelings locked away- not solely as a memory but as a kind of pandora’s box. Those feelings are still undiluted by time or distance. Undiluted by political issues. Undiluted by the service of my fellow military friends, family and husband- who have served multiple deployments.
At this point all I can say is:
I wish I didn’t have this desire to be a parent, a mother because then I’d have saved myself a whole lot of heartache.
I’m giving up…. again.
I’ll go through the motions but I don’t have enough heart left pieced together to get me through more failed cycles. I’ll do what they tell me I need to do but hope is no longer welcome in this particular part of my life. I wonder: Does that mean I am insane? I mean for almost five years now I have gone through the “natural trying” motions. Every cycle. Hoping and Praying that the result would be different. I thought that to start up with actual help (since we now live a state that mandates a certain amount of coverage for infertility) I would, emotionally, be at a good base-line. Instead I picked up right where I left off.
Moving right along.
A few days ago I submitted a request to get information from different schools. I’ve been trying to get back into school for a few years now. I love school and everything that comes with it (with the exception of any math based class…ugh).
The day before yesterday I spoke to one of the representatives who took my information. He said he picked three schools he thought would be a good fit for me. Told me to expect calls from all three inside of 72 hours.
So yesterday the first school called- a bit too early because I was still in bed. I didn’t think much about it. Yesterday afternoon I got a phone call from the second school. This particular school is a division 2 school with a well rated online program of study. A plus for this school is that in the finance department they have an independent military relations branch.
They asked me what I was hoping for and what kind of class load I was able to handle. The basic answer is that I will do whatever I can financially afford: Full-time, part-time or not at all. I am not looking to get another school loan out because I have enough of a burden paying off the four I already have. Basically I am looking for a sufficient mix of grants and scholarships so that I don’t have a second pound of flesh extracted from my body in exchange for education.
The admissions guy (who is a military vet himself) said that there was a new grant program that was for the advancement of the careers of military spouses. They award up to 6k and pay directly to the school. He said every one who had applied from their school had been granted a good amount (if not all). He also explained to me the new GI Bill rules regarding a spouse using a portion of the money available for the education of the spouse. He also brought to my attention that with their school- for military members and family the cost per credit hour is approximately half of what the usual cost! So since I already have my associated that means I only need two years worth of funds, but not actually two years if the cost per credit hour is half. That means that after it all the Hubbs should still have three years worth of the bill to use for himself! More if I get approved for some of these scholarships I’ve been looking into lately.
My admissions dude asked me if I had specifically requested their university and I told him no. We’d been talking about my rather decorated educational path (at this point I’ve been to five different colleges/universities) and my first two (Trinity Baptist College and Pensacola Christian College) were private Christian colleges. Turns out this school is a private non-denom Christian university meaning that I have some interesting choices when it comes to my electives which I am extremely excited about.
So of course this also means that in the interview process they want to know what my own particular spiritual path involved and my own personal testimony. Which is cool.
Then we got to what I wanted to study. Now I have my Associates in Business Administration, but I didn’t exactly want to continue in that path. So we started talking about the different programs available to the online program. As we are chatting he breaks out with “Have you ever thought about teaching?”
Now I had thought about it way back in the day. Not seriously though because at the time I was very focused on getting through my pre-law studies program. The realities of the PRICE that goes with getting a law degree is part of what motivated me to change my major (the other was I was working in an office setting and was aiming for promotion to administrative assistant).
Now, with having just the one car, it would be too much to teach on top of dealing with his potential strange hours. He submitted to me a plan that got me really excited! He said that I could Major in English Lit (which is my absolute favorite- I can probably save in matriculation fees because I already own so many of the books that will be used) and Minor in Business to enforce my associates. After that I could apply to teach in an online setting- which would be PERFECT! They have a job placement programs for their alumni.
The total amount of credit hours totaled from the Major and Minor would amount to 138 credit hours over two years (if I can swing a heavy case load then it would be less than two years).
A bonus is that the loans I have now would go into deferment- which would help us out quite a bit.
I am hoping to start 28 Sept. He said if I wanted to push it I could get into the 31 August class but that would be too stressful. 28th is perfect because I’ll just be getting back from Florida- all rested up and ready to go!
If I am not gonna be a mom then I have to find something else right?
I know that this cycle didn’t work. I have that heavy feeling and it feels the only thing keeping AF away is the progesterone supps. So I just want to stop dealing with them even though my beta is in 2 days. Since I am (admittedly) in a crazy kind of funk I am askin those of you who stop by to give your opinion.
That is how I am feeling today.
I know that at this point I must be sounding rather redundant but that is just where I am at this point. That and family issues (more than just my sister)- which I’ll be writing about today. Maybe at the end of this I’ll write about my cycle…maybe.
So I believe I’ve mentioned how my dad (the one I like- which would be my step-dad technically) has a non-functional kidneys and that we all got tested to see if any of us were potential donors. It has been months since that day but the results finally came in: F___, my youngest brother, is the closest match. They did additional testing to insure they would be completely compatible and all those results came back (far quicker than the initial testing.I suppose since its one instead of six – the Hubbs got tested as well just in case- that it is what should be expected).
So his surgery was scheduled for the end of this week. Thing is that Medicare shut down the Kidney Center at my Dad’s hospital and transfered all their patients to another hospital whose kidney center was already overloads. So now my Dad has to wait until November for a chance at surgery- even though they already have a match! So that is three more months of four day a week dialysis sessions. Three more months of living on what little he gets for his disability. Which brings on the next issue:
They (being government) have decided that they will not be giving cost-of-living increases for the next two years- which is essentially a cut. On top of that they have “invented” some fee that my dad has supposedly not paid and so they’ve been taking a large chunk of what little he gets already. Also piling on is the fact that they lowered the overall amount they issue him to spite the fact that with his dialysis schedule he absolutely cannot work a job. I mean my dad in the last five years has had back surgery, emergency triple by-pass surgery, and now waiting on this kidney transplant. To say he is disabled is almost an understatement. Anyway, because of this my parents now have to find a house where they can afford the rent. Lord only knows where that will be.
More great news that I just found out is that my Grandpa (the only one still alive) is being tested for cancer. He already has Parkinson’s. They (being my step-grandma) have tried to down play it but actions do indeed speak louder than words. She is getting things in order- legal matters- and tried to get my mom to give up her rights to inherit! Anyway, that is just more drama.
Side Note: You know with five branches of family(My Dad’s side, Mom’s Side, Step-Dad’s Side, Step-mother’s side and Husband’s side) to deal with there is always family drama in my life-sigh.
So my Mama is preparing herself to have to travel to Puerto Rico dependent of course on what happens with my Grandpa’s biopsy.
My step-brother is still doing Chemo for the leukemia. I can’t imagine what he is going through. I called and left a message on his phone- I called while he was out of the room- and am waiting patiently for a return call. I am hoping that there is some progress.
A ray of sunshine does break through the clouds however because I just got a phone call that my brother in law (who got into trouble for stupid decision about a year ago) went to court this morning and they are only sentencing him to 18 months probation (I am hoping they’ll give him credit for time served because that would mean he’d be free completely in December) after which his sentence would be expunged and the records sealed! Whew. We were all tense about that- worried they’d make him go to jail. So at the end of tis probation he’s going to sign up for the Army. That and I should be getting more pictures of Jaelyn. He told me that she has kept all of her hair (which is substantial) and that she is developing rather quickly!
This cycle I think is a bust as well. This morning I woke up with my customary back pain and low cramping, so I think the only thing keeping the witch away is the progesterone suppositories.
Can’t say that I am surprised in the least. Ah well, beta in 3 days.
I spoke to my mother-in-law after I talked to my brother-in-law. Of course she asked about us having kids so I just came out and told her that I am barren. She thought I was joking so was like “No really…”. So I told her I wasn’t kidding but I made clear to her that it isn’t anything to do with the Hubbs- that he’s just fine. I think she was shocked. All she said was “Well as long as you two have each other you should be happy”. I know the truth and she is telling it, but it did make me cringe a bit. It stung.
Well, at least that is one more person off my back. It’s just another one who’ll look at me with pity.
Sigh
I suppose that it is to be expected but to be completely honest the level of my anger might not be considered proportional to the situation. Maybe even considered excessive.
I don’t even know where to begin in describing the – rage – that bubbled up fast and fierce when my sister told me she was pregnant…again.
Maybe it has to do with my beta test coming up. I am willing to concede that particular point.
Maybe it is selfishness.
Maybe, just maybe, the kindling is pure hopelessness.
I called my grandmother today. As soon as I possibly could- knowing that she would be in church and then, as is customary, out to lunch with her friends. I wanted to call her last night but my anger isn’t enough reason to wake her in the middle of the night. My feelings did not blind me to consideration.
She tends to have a calming influence on me but she allows me to “get it all out” before she gives me the verbal shakedown. By that I don’t mean that she in any way negates my feelings, but rather she reminds me that extreme emotions that bring on stress bring on flair ups. Which is completely true.
I’ll be suffering in more than just my mood over the next couple of days I suspect. Good thing that Friday afternoon I have my acupuncture appointment because I needed it last week. I can’t imagine the number of needles that he’ll have to use to get all this tightness and pain out of my back and shoulders.
Now, I don’t know if my sister will carry to term. By that I don’t mean that she’ll abort but rather if she will or won’t miscarry like her previous pregnancy. My grandmother pointed out that I was upset when my younger brother got “some girl” pregnant but that when I met her and got to know her my feelings changed. I love my niece (as any reader of the blog since the beginning of this year will know) and I love my sister-in-law. My brother has stepped up (finally) and is beginning to see that he is the one that is responsible for his wife and child. That his actions affect more than just himself. His mistake is the best thing that has happened to him in his 23 years.
That situation though I was upset but I got over it pretty quickly. With this situation there is so much more rolled up into it. In November it will five years we’ve been on this road- five and a half if you count the “prep” before hand (for those who don’t know I was on Depo-Provera which of course requires a far longer adjustment then say pills or any other form of birth control). We’ve done four clomid cycles already and will probably end up doing two more. I’ve had all those “stirrup-tests” (as the Hubbs likes to refer to them) done repeatedly. I am looking at a laparoscopy in September. Every night I deal with progesterone suppositories. Every day I take my prenatals- like I have for so long- hoping that it will be for a good reason.
And not once in all that time have I been pregnant.
I also don’t understand the motivation behind my sister’s actions. That part adds to the frustration side of things. I have a theory but I hope that it isn’t what happened.
I asked my Mama about what she thought about the situation and she told me that she just threw her hands up. Apparently my sister is doing that whole subversive demand that they, being my parents, support her, and I am not talking about moral support either. My Mama is almost in the same boat I am in. I think that maybe part of her frustration is my situation.
I don’t know.
Sometimes I wish I played music. Really because while I know that this is long and there will probably be post upon post about my feelings- there are things that I just don’t have the words necessary to express or describe how I feel about it.
I can’t drink so I turn to Vavaldi, Mozart, Chopin and other composers. Even then- I want to purge these things with my own fingers. Alas, I cannot.
Sigh.
My sister is pregnant….
again…
not by the same guy that got her pregnant at the beginning of the summer.
My beta is in 6 days and its not out of this world to feel that its gonna be negative.
and (if the sun goes round the moon, pigs fly, and faerie tales come true) even if it happens to be positive then I’ll just be in the shadow of her pregnancy.
I know this sounds selfish- but I want the time I’m pregnant (snort) to be MY time dangit.
That is of course going on the assumption that sometime in the next 8 months I’ll actually be pregnant- which is as unlikely as my aforementioned list.
Ok so I got this from a friend of mine who got it in an email. Usually I wouldn’t re-post or even send it on. Forwards usually get the delete treatment- BUT this was too funny to pass up. So ladies (and men) check this out:
ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS ..yep, only a man!
Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety….??
WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave..
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately y on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, ‘no possible way!’ What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best.. .?
I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, ‘don’t do it dipshit,’ reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and .. ..
OH MY WORD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room..
Note: If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that poin t), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.
P.S… My wife, can’t stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
I’ll start with how this cycle is going. Today is cycle day 19 and I think I may have ovulated on Saturday which would be cycle day 17 (I think). Anyway, our timing sucked- majorly.
Well, the last two cycles in which I ovulated on Clomid the first was on CD 17, the second on CD15. Because of that we were thinking that maybe this time it would up itself again though we did time everything until CD15. No cross-hairs and we’d run out of lube (cause you all know Clomid dries everything up) so we were up the creek for a couple of days. So while before I wasn’t optimistic because early on all the twinging came from the right side (the side that is blocked) but over the weekend (and especially on the left side) there was all kinds of activity going on in the uterus area of my upper body. Two quick pangs later on in the day from the left side and then everything eased up (which is why I think I O’d on CD 17). So beta draw is scheduled for 28 August and if I am right that will be 13DPO.
Moving right along. I am going on a diet. I don’t know how difficult it will be to shed 15 lbs but I am going to try. Probably wondering where the weight came from- MEDS people. The thing with my meds though is that four of them have weight gain as a side effect, the other two have appetite suppression as their side effects.
I should probably not call it a diet but oh well. I am going to work on trying some at home video’s for activity and hopefully it’ll work out. I hate the way my body looks now. Maybe I would say the same if we did already have children but I don’t know. From this side of the coin all I can say is at this point I am dealing with the weight gain with none of the benefits of having a baby and it really sucks. Part of the program that I am doing has a goal of keeping a journal so I decided I would just roll that here into my blog. So you, Dear Reader, may (or may not but should) be seeing notes on my progress thrown into the mix here.
In terms of “Gains and Losses”, I have ‘gained’ a healthy dislike for my friends husband T. She called me the other day to vent about what he’s been up to and while I try to keep things positive while I am talking to her- I seethe with rage on the inside.
And that isn’t even used in exaggeration.
She has 40 days until her due date, but Beebee is already in position and is gaining weight at a good speed to expect that she just may go early to spite the fact that this will be her first baby so it is not unexpected to expect that 40 days to be more like 25 to 30 days. They are in the process of selling their house in West Virginia to her brother (we’ll call him CD- ohh wait that might get confused with cycle day so lets make it CG). CG has done everything needed on his end for the paper work to go through- K’s husband T was supposed to take care of the deed since his ex-wife’s name is still on it as co-owner even though as part of their divorce she gave up her rights to the house. The only thing is that T never went to the county clerk’s office and got the deed changed. Even though they do have her signed statement waiving the rights it isn’t good enough- they have to have her name off the list. So K asked T a few months ago to go through his paperwork and find the relevant things. He never did it.
That money is supposed to help them pay the bills until December (when she graduates with her nursing degree). It is also what she was counting on so that they could set up a nursery for Beebee. I am hoping that K gets a bassinet or a pack-n-play at her baby shower next week because that poor child won’t have anywhere to sleep!
Anyway, so one day last week K asked T to get up and find the paperwork they need and the man just grumbled. At this point it is looking like before they can move on they are going to have to find his ex-wife- which will take far longer than 40 days.
That is not all. K is doing clinicals so that she will graduate on time. She spends 12 hours every day of the week on her feet. That alone would be trying but add on top of that being pregnant! T works 8 hours a day if they need him- meaning that he doesn’t always go to work each day. Friday she gets home and T is sitting on the couch. He’d been home all day because they didn’t need him at work. The first thing he says to her is “I’m hungry”- expecting her to make him a meal! She went into the kitchen and none of the dishes had been done, the table had piles of junk on it! So she does the dishes, cleans up the table and goes to the room to take a nap- only when she gets there she finds that to lay in the bed requires she fold the clean laundry that had been dumped there.
A few hours later she wakes up and T asks her if she wants some ice cream. She says no because she hasn’t had a meal yet and asked him what he had for dinner. The ice cream was meant to be his dinner apparently.
He is still (on top of all those things) acting resentful toward the pregnancy and makes it known by muttered comments. The sheer disrespect and apparent disregard toward her makes me so upset. It is like he looks at her like a live in maid that he gets to sleep with and that pregnancy is an unfortunate consequence. I don’t understand why he married her if he felt like it would be “prision” (words that have come out of his mouth by the way), and I don’t understand why he didn’t tell her he didn’t want kids before they got married- since from her end that would have been a deal breaker since she has always wanted a family of her own. Another question that comes to mind is if he didn’t want to have kids why hasn’t he had a vasectomy?
I told K that T had better watch out because if he says one cross thing about her or Beebee while I am there I will most certainly let loose on exactly what I think about him. She says that she has already warned him- which is funny but sad at the same time. The man is old enough (he is three years older than K’s father) by now to know how to treat a woman- especially one who is his wife. But maybe that is why he’s already been divorced once before?
Ugh it really makes my blood boil!
