This may be long. I’m just putting that out there first and foremost (is that redundant?).
I have waited a few days to kind of filter out the petty stuff and focus on everything in general.
I think it should make this particular entry shorter than it would have been if I had written as soon as we got home.
So things went well overall. I’ll start with the beginning of the week since it was pretty hectic.
29June was the day I was (again) supposed to see my doctor but she called in sick so that day was pretty laid back. I (looking back) should probably have packed at that point but I didn’t feel like it. I don’t even remember what it is I did do outside of prepping the dog food and whatnot to drop the dogs off at the kennel on tuesday.
30 June started early since I had to drop the Hubbs off at work. Then it was back home to let the dogs out and get them all packed up to go. They are all crazy about car rides and so keeping them OUT of the car while I was trying to load it was more work than the actual packing. Once my dog, Blade, jumped through the open driver’s side window and sat there..behind the wheel…waiting for me. The ride there was easy (as easy as a hour and a half into another state can be) and as soon as we pulled up Skye was gearing to get out the door and into the kennel. She truely loves it there as evidenced by the fact that she went through the front door, to the back, and onto the lap of the receptionist/check in lady. Thankfully she didn’t mind.
Blade is usually torn. He loves being there but doesn’t like being left behind. What I also see is that with Blade he sees Skye excited and he wants to be that way but then he sees Chubby straining to get to me and wants to stay with him.
He’s such an old soul.
I just love this kennel! Which is why I am willing to drive so far to leave them there if we have no other choice. I feed my dogs Merrick food (love it!) and I also buy their treats for the dogs. I completely forgot about treats when packing them up but the kennel looked ahead and ordered the treats for them already! I was really happy to hear that (and have no problem at all paying for it). I’ll get back to the dogs and their kennel experience later in this post.
When I got back home I had maybe an hour before I had to head back out for my appointment (yay acupuncture!) and to pick up the Hubbs from work. We were hoping that they would allow him to sign out early, but our luck just doesn’t run that course. So home it was so that I could wash and pack what we needed to bring with us. The Hubbs slept and asked if I could wake him at Midnight so he could drive to the post and sign out. That way we just had to get up in the morning and get on the road.
Can I just insert here that we went through what I call “responsibility withdrawl”. We just were kind of lost in not having to care for the dogs!
Ok, so I wash and fold. Didn’t pack because he was sleeping in the room. Midnight comes and I go in and wake him up (getting him actually out of the bed took about an hour). So I left the rest of everything for the morning and get ready for bed. I am all tucked in, reaching over to turn off the light and my phone rings.
It is the Hubbs.
He is at the gate and doesn’t have our new proof of insurance in the car. I have to call a cab to get to the post and the cab company wasn’t answering the phone. So I found a new place (and happen to like that company better than the one I’d used previously- which is a good thing) and they said they would be here as soon as possible. While I was waiting they (the military police) decided they weren’t going to wait at the gate for me so they brought him to the MP Station farther within the post. He wasn’t arrested…just detained. It doesn’t matter cause it was still inconvienent. The old proof was only a day (A DAY) invaild. Apparently no one has the ability to pick up the phone and call the insurance company to verify. Anyway, so I finally get there around 3 in the morning (we were planning on leaving at 8 but that certainly wasn’t gonna happen). They glance at the new POI and then say “Ok, you can go”. ARGH.
So we went and signed him out, stopped at the rent office and dropped off the check through the mail slot and came home. SLEEP!
Woke up later at around 9, loaded the car and went to sonics! Yeah, they opened up a brand new one right down the road from us. Less than five minutes.
I tell you it is not good for us.
So we hit the road and its 10:30 which I think was a good time. Anything before noon was fine with me.
The roadtrip (thankfully) was very uneventful but faster without having to stop with the dogs.
I was TIIIRED. The Hubbs sleeps most of the ride so he’s no help when I start to get drowsy. The good thing (one of the many) about going home is that I don’t have to drive anywhere. We basically park the car for the whole time we are there.
Thursday (2July) was eventful in a good way. That morning- after we dropped off my Big Daddy for dialysis- I went to the church to drop off our letter of permission (to sponser my niece outside of our parish- which is a good thing because we are in El Paso and they are in Lubbock). I went (the Hubbs was at home with the guys) with my mom and sister and met with Father David- who surprisingly knows our Father here- and then we went to get our hair cut.
To save money we go to the beauty school where we can get a cut for five dollars. I originally was going to go for just a trim and get my bangs a bit heavier but when I got there I really wanted a new shape since what was goin on wasn’t lookin so hot. Tina (the woman my mom reccommended) did a wonderful job and I absolutely love my hair!
My sister got the same hair cut and she is crazy (in a funny way). She was all like “IM BALD” which isn’t true at all, but her hair was shorter than it has been ever though so it will take some getting used to. She loves it though and it does make her look like she is about to be in her 20’s (her birthday is coming up on the 29th). The day went by really well.
Some concern though as far as my sister and her boyfriend. I don’t know how to articulate the frustration that I am feeling about their relationship. My sister and this guy apparently are talking about marriage.
Not to toot my own horn but I have a history of feeling good or bad about relationships. Right now I am battin a 1000 and so I trust my instincts. It seems like they (my sister and parents) are overlooking the reason why he is jail! While I was home we got a copy of his indicment: he has been charged with burglary with intent. I also found out that he has also been charged in a seperate burglary (going through a window and stealing game consoles and games). My sister doesn’t want to see…and my parents are choosing the same because (I believe) they feel like they need to support her and are hoping for the best.
My mom was telling me that he was a nice guy and that she couldn’t visit him in the jail anymore because she didn’t feel like he belonged there. UH, HELLO! The man was involved in a burglary where the victim was raped. Even if (and that is a big one considered this seperate burglary charge) he didn’t DO anything he still stood outside KNOWING what was happening inside. He could have called the police at that point. He could have called the police anytime in March, April, May or the beginning of June but he didn’t. What does that say about his character? What does it say about the kind of person he TRUELY is– not the persona he puts on to impress people? What does it say about the people who he CHOOSES to associate with?
I did make my opinion known so that it can’t be said that no one said anything. I don’t believe though (and I may just be really hoping) that he is going to get cleared of the charges so that means prision for at LEAST 5 years- enough time (hopefully) for my sister to get a clue.
Also talked to my parents about my middle brother and basically told them both what I have heard from the both of them seperately. He has to make a move to support his family himself- a step that shows he is trying at least. They (at some point) spoke with him and said that he has a month to step out on his own (not necessarily move out though no matter what they will have to start paying part of the rent in August as well as a portion of the utilities) or he will be forced to step out (meaning they will have to move out).
So my brother spoke to the Hubbs and they had a long conversation about the Army (which I believe is a good thing). My Bro of course had questions that the Hubbs answered as well as he was able. My sister in law and I spoke and I answered the questions she had as well as addressed the concerns about deployment, training, etc. I asked her if this was something that was spur of the moment (which mybro is infamous for) and she told me that he’d actually been talking about it for a long time.
So then we (all six of us- my parents, my bro and his wife along with myself and the Hubbs) sat down and had a chat. My dad said that he didn’t think the Army was anything but a last choice and that this particular decision is really his best option. So Bro is supposed to meet with a recruiter this week. We’ll see what happens with that.
Also spoke to Sister and younger Bro about helping Mama and Big Daddy out because they really need it. I don’t think they realized how much but they did end up giving them money for the month– 500 and 300 respectfully. Hopefully they will keep that up and I won’t have to be the one to “remind” them again that they are adults now.
My older brother bought my mom a netbook- which she is really excited about since she is left today and would have no internet access at my Grandma’s house. We had gone to Best Buy thursday…
Left Turn: ok we went to best buy originally because I can’t find the cradle charger to my HP camera. Since I bought it at a Best Buy in Georgia I thought that they would have some way of charging my camera. Can you believe this particular BB doesn’t sell HP camera’s or any of the accessories!
…and I had shown her the one I have been looking to get the Hubbs for Christmas this year (maybe our anniversary if the money works out). She was gonna get the one from Target- which is cheap but for 100 or so dollars more the improvement in function is well worth it.
The Hubbs went out with my siblings Friday night. I don’t go to the clubs (as I said before) so I got to watch Az. Before they all left we’d gone to the sports bar and had a great time. I think bars in general are more enjoyable than the craziness of clubs. Anyway, so I stayed up long after I put Az to sleep because I didn’t want to take my meds and not be able to hear the baby monitor should she wake up hungry or wet.
So they get home and we all try to go to bed. To say that it was a long daywould be an understatement. I don’t understand where any of them got the energy to even step out the door. Anyway, so we go to sleep and my husband starts to cry. “I can’t believe Michael Jackson is dead”, “I have so many memories”, blah blah blah. Seriously crying. Shaking the bed crying.
I should probably say that my husband is an “emotional” or “honest” drunk. Which is -I suppose- better than a mean drunk, a violent drunk, etc. He rarely gets this way but its always entertaining when it happens because he doesn’t remember a thing about it. While he was in Korea he would drunk call me at work- tell me things like “I really really love you”. You can tell when he’s been drinking because he voice raises a couple of octives (is that spelled correctly?). At least I know that he really does right?
Anyway, I went to sleep and woke up (I don’t know how much later) to him rubbing my stomach (actually the bulge that is the result of these freakin medications). So I asked him what the heck he was doing (imagine that in a scratchy voice) and all he said was “wishing”.
So Saturday was fun for the most part. My dad had a hard time of it though because he had to be up at 5 to do his dialysis at 6 so he could make the reunion that started at 10. There are a heck of a lot of people in my family! I was MOST glad to see my cousin, Cooter. See there was some sort of issue where his wife made him choose between us and her. My Tio Steve (his dad) told him that we would always be here and it was ok. So we haven’t seen him in YEARS. I’d never met his kids until last Saturday. He is the only one who still calls me “Mississippi” and I am really the only one who still calls him Cooter- his daughters thought the name was hilarious- especially when I told them the story behind the name.
We had a few new members- spouses and babies.
Oh man, Im tired- so I’ll finish this later in a “Part 2″. There is so much more that happened in such a small amount of time. I think that I am in the middle of a severe flair up- both CFS wise and Fibro. It really is kicking my butt and the hubbs almost brought me into the ER yesterday.
Thanks for reading it.
Failed.
Bust.
Negative.
Today’s heading should have read (Conclusion) but unfortuanately I don’t have that at this point.
It seems as though something out in the universe does not want me to get a beta draw.
I have mentioned it here already but as a recap:
1) Appointment originally scheduled for 13DPO- 26 June. Had to reschedule because Friday was made a training day for the clinic.
2)Today- 17DPO- I am called this morning because my doctor is ill and unable to get in today. My primary is out on vacation for the next two weeks so I can’t go to her. No appointments available until Thursday.
Only thing is we leave for my family reunion on Wednesday morning. So my main internal debate is if I should just stop the progesterone-makin last night my last night and having flow begin on the drive up to home or to go ahead and finish out the supps I have and not start flow until possibly Thursday or (more likely) Friday.
My follow-up appointment at this point is set for Monday 06July.
And more likely than not next cycle will be a forced break
I am not really beginning this post with any specific purpose, just to type I suppose. To do something other than the laundry or vacuuming. I could play games but I am watching a movie on the television while I type this and I don’t fancy continually dying (in the case of world of warcraft) or having some sort of disaster (in the case of Sims3) happen while I am not looking.
Ohh, my Sim- she had twin girls and she is rockin it as a single mother.
So we took a walk just now. The only fools to be out at 4 in the afternoon. Here noon isn’t the hottest time- its the late afternoon and we five (us and the three dogs) took a walk in the park. So now we five are sitting in front of various fans. I must say… won’t be doing that again.
I went to bed thinking that I would wake up in time for church this morning- and actually looking forward to it.. but I didn’t wake up.
There has been drama. If you read a previous post then you know that there has been/continues to be an event that I was reluctant to touch upon because I have readers who share these particular fora with me and did not want to alienate them. That and I was respecting that it was in a private forum- thus meaning, naturally, that to pull it from that “private” out to the “public” made me a bit uneasy.
Now though (on top of wanting to get things off my chest) it has been pulled from that private forum within the site to a public forum- not only that but placed under the heading of debate. I won’t go so far as to specify which site it is but I do feel as though I shouldn’t have to worry about the topic anyway. So lets sit down and let me tell you a story.
Once upon a time,
On a website not so far away there happened a migration of sorts. From a place where lurkers dictated to members of a private group what they should and should not be feeling on this difficult journey of infertility. These lurkers argued with members of the board that they were too angry, too bitter, and that they must consider the feelings of the people who were outside the group. These lurkers claimed the entire site as their own- they could roam and post in whatever thread they wanted because they felt it their right. No matter that the members of said group understood where each was coming from and there was no judgment- not from within. A migration was needed and a destination was provided by one of the members that appealed to all. This new website provided a space that was private. A place where each member could say what they felt- be it infused with bitterness or with whatever we felt comfortable sharing from our lives. All new members were screened and it felt good to the members to know that there was a finally a place for them to be ugly if they so chose. Even as members graduated the understanding of the motivation was still there and support flowed quite freely (for the most part) from those who moved on and those still fighting the battle. The support was about the one hurting-no matter what words came from them. It wasn’t about the feelings of those reading the post and most certainly not about the feelings of those who lurked but came out of the woodwork when THEY were offended. These migrating members brought many others to the site with them- not just those within the group but in general.
As the number of graduates grew there were some growing pains. There was a question of how both those trying still and those who were going down the new road of pregnancy could still share and support without feeling guilty about asking for support- and so in the pregnancy section of the site a new forum was added for the infertility graduates. It was nice that those still on the road could keep up with the friends they had made. That they could share in the worry and in the good news when they felt strong enough to do so.
There was a bump in the road when lurkers decided that the graduates group was too “isolated”. That it was too exclusive. The decision was made to combine the high risk, newly pregnant and infertility graduates all into one group. How this was considered a good idea I will never know as those newly pregnant had the first trimester board- I can understand how high risk and infertility could be combined as it seems the percentage of “infertile” pregnancies tend to be high risk. Ok.
Apparently though the IF’ers made (like it was on purpose) those who didn’t have a problem getting pregnant but also had high risk as though they couldn’t post. There are always those who will say hurtful things on purpose- things that diminish the journey of another to that person.
See there is a difference between the two.
There are of course the every day troubles of being infertile in a fertile world. Everywhere one goes, where one looks there is that reminder of what they want so badly. Dealing with co-workers, employees, and family who seem to have easy fertility- especially when they don’t make smart decisions in the rest of their lives (which if you read my blog for any amount of time would know I have personal experience with).
We most certainly cannot share these feelings out in the “public”.
Now, since this is getting long and I don’t believe I need to continue on this particular descriptive path lets us fast forward a few years. One of our group had a failed IVF. That in and of itself is so difficult to deal with but her journey to just GET to IVF was very difficult as well-dealing with situations that were really out of her control. Those of us in the group KNOW what those circumstances were and provided her a sympathetic ear and comfy shoulder many a time- the same as she has provided for each of us during our darkest moments.
She vented and in the totally appropriate space.
Then lurkers came out again. Offended, they went to their own groups and brought the drama. This seems to always happen.
Pain Olympics.
Telling her that she was TOO angry and she should be thinking of them/others while she vented. That it was no wonder no one liked us. When I joined the conversation it was while (like I said previously) it was located on our private (supposedly) forum. Yes, then came into our living room so to speak and told us how it should be.
Making it about them rather than about providing support for one who was so obviously hurting.
Things came out that make me extremely wary of getting anymore involved in the website in question. Apparently our presence is resented. Again, we are the ones in the wrong. Again, we are the ones who need to watch what we say because it is “their” site and we are merely tolerated. There are those who apparently at the time of the migration were opposed to us being there.
See what I mean about not knowing where to go?
No matter that with the rest of the site most of us are productive members (I say most because there are those like me who do not venture outside the infertility aspect of it- because I know what I can handle). It has once again become about the lurkers feeling validated in their own journey WAS rather than providing the support for one who is so obviously hurting.
It is so frustrating! So much so in fact that the last few sections that I’ve written don’t really seem coherent.
I am sure though that most of you understand. Those dealing with infertility should have that space where they can say what they REALLY feel without worry. I mean, we all have blogs but that doesn’t always provide the same kind of comradeship as a forum is wont to provide.
I don’t understand why people can’t get it into their heads that the pain is different.
It is different when you are on the motherhood side and there is one still trying- after YEARS.
It is different when a couple has invested their life saving with ART’s and failed than going through something like clomid for a couple of cycles.
It is different when one has lost a pregnancy and one has never been pregnant.
The pain is different when one goes through infertility and ends up with a take home baby than those who suffer still-birth/infant loss.
Does it make any other journey’s less? No.
I am going to say it again: when a person is venting it doesn’t matter what they write! Its the pain- the motivation behind the words that need that ear, need that word of support. The person who is offended by what is said should walk away (well click away)if they cannot get past the words to offer support. They most certainly should not lecture or preach at the one already hurting because of their own personal reaction.
Things said like “you are too angry” or “you need to go to therapy” or “you need a more concrete support group” absolutely do not help and only add fuel to the fire.
And telling an entire group of people that “..this is why no one likes you” or things along that line is fruitless. Not being “liked” by those who have no business in a private space and come out of the woodwork to fuel drama when they can’t offer a word of support at any other time- is a the bottom of the care list.
GEEZ!
It’s the same argument- over and over again.
What are we supposed to do? Find another forum? Again?
It took me awhile to figure out what I was going to call this particular post since I didn’t feel like making two separate postings. I think it is kind of finny how I usually can’t even begin a post until I come up with what I think is an appropriate title. I’ll get back to contemplating that later (maybe…no promises). Also, I have pictures of Jaelyn and recent ones of Az that I will be posting at the end of this post (a warning for those of you who are sensitive at this point in time).
So, I’ll begin with “Sim Life”. I don’t know if I have mentioned it here, but I love games! I know the usual somber tone of my posts belies the fact, but it is true just the same. It isn’t just console or PC games either. I think that a good board/card game is a great way for families to connect and compete. Anyway, so Sims3 was released a couple weeks ago and I was at the store first thing that morning then came right back home and loaded it right onto the computer. My Hubbs says that I have a ‘god-complex’ because the main appeal to me is that I can control everything (mostly) that happens within the world that I create (I have Sim City + packs as well).
The only thing that really threw me off was the fact that I am so very used to all the expansion packs from Sims2 so I think my game options are pretty limited until they start releasing those.
So my new Sim is living the high life in a shabby house. I have yet to move her even though in her career she is now “Leader of the Free World”. Would you believe that I had to get the “fertility treatment” and a new man before she fell pregnant!? I had her first as a young adult and she hooked up with a guy that was a bit older. I had to find her a new man when the first one died and at that point she was just 10 days from becoming elderly- so I would say she is definitely “advanced maternal age”. Go-figure.
What is it they say about life imitating art?
Anyways, so I (and my hubbs) would like to announce that our first Sim is expecting. Because of the “fertility treatment” we have yet to find out if it will a singleton or multiples. I’ll keep you all posted.
(It’s kinda crazy, right? Blogging about a game. I can’t believe I let the Hubbs talk me into this!)
As far as my cycle goes- I believe that it is another bust. So much so that I almost stopped my progesterone last night. I would have if the Hubbs hadn’t harassed me until I got my behind out of bed and placed the thing. I am also really tempted to just cancel my appointment next week. I was talking to my Grandma about it last night and she told me that it isn’t time to give up and that I shouldn’t until they tell me absolutely that it is pointless to continue to try. Really, I don’t know (or maybe don’t believe) if I have the strength that I’m going to need to go through the process. Of course, in thinking about it, no one really knows until they reach that point.
Anyway I may just decide to keep it just so I can see if I could get a bit more progesterone- enough so that I don’t go through my bleed in the middle of my family reunion/Az’s baptism. I mean, its not gonna hurt anything and next cycle is a forced break since he has field problems from the 8th to the 20th. We’ll see.
I find that once again I am mentally beginning to pull away from the infertility community- back into the limbo of not really belonging in any particular niche of the online world. Some things have been said that I don’t really want to get into here, but generally made me feel as if I don’t belong to any of the groups where women have been trying awhile like I have (some more, the majority less). I most definitely do not belong to any of the “lesser” groups (meaning those who are just getting diagnosed with an issue, beginning testing, or just beginning to try) because mentally I am not in the same place, even though I do put in my two-cents when the topic is something I feel I can contribute a bit of my knowledge toward.
There are precious few topics though.
I find myself annoyed by the questions of the “newbie” and “fertile” crowd even though in my head I know that the questions they ask are completely normal. I answer them in what I hope is a positive way because I know that it is all me (totally bad break up line, right?).
But let me just put this out there:
Google (well now I use Bing because I totally love it) it!
Some answers are so incredibly easy to find if you just type in a couple of terms!
Back to my thoughts:
When we started back up truly and actively TTC again I renewed my subscription to fertility friend for six months since Dr.N is all about charting and also used that as a “thinking pause” where we were going to reassess where we are in addition to what the next steps will be. We are half way through now and I am already defeated. Well, I may not be all the way but I certainly am going down that path. I just don’t know how to be optimistic about these kinds of things anymore.
Maybe its the meds. Even last night as I watch the premier of America’s Got Talent (Sidenote: 1) anyone ever wonder why it isn’t “America HAS Talent? 2) I LOVE Nick Cannon as the new host! He is incredibly funny! and 3) the Song dedicated to David Hasselhoff was HILARIOUS while being really creepy at the same time) I cried. I am doing way too much crying. I don’t like it one iota! Thing is I can’t seem to help myself sometimes. Just watching the television is becoming dangerous territory. Dealing with the online world is definitely dangerous territory. I guess that could also be a reason why I am into the gaming thing.
Interesting thought.
I think I’m going to throw in a bit of “Family Matters” into this post pot as well. My Big Daddy called me last night just to chat a bit. He asked if the Hubbs and I would be bringing our DVD recorders and our digital camera. Most definitely! We will be recording the goings on of our family reunion, our time with Az and her baptism as well. We have “His” and “Hers” cams. His is small, but mine is smaller- and red.
He tells me that for whatever reason he can’t seem to find his equipment. This is unusual because he usually takes very good care of things and he had it in January when Az was born.
It almost shames me to admit that I think my younger brother has something to do with the disappearance. I didn’t mention it to my Dad because I don’t have any proof, just a feeling. My brother has a “whats mine is mine, whats yours is mine” mentality when it comes to my parents and their things. I hope that isn’t the case and I’ll be squeezing into the far reaches of the attic when I get home on the hunt for it all.
Woo hoo!
You know, while there are some issues that I feel I need to speak with my siblings collectively about when I get home- I am really really looking forward to going. I think it is because we have so much fun together as a family (and probably the fact that I don’t have to worry about my sister being pregnant after her m/c- though I still plan to see how she is doing emotionally about the whole thing).
I am hoping that the questions about children are few and the requests for clubbin are nil. My Siblings are all about going to the club but I just don’t feel comfortable there. Even when we were teens and went out to the age appropriate clubs I didn’t like it. The whole environment is just too…
dark?
predatory?
Hum, I can’t really put my finger on it but those words are the general direction I am going. I mean, the last time I went some dude grabbed my sister-in-law’s behind. Not just an accidental tap while speaking or walking by, but full hand worth of her behind! And she was still pregnant at the time! My brother ended up in a fight (which I don’t usually condone but in this case totally appropriate). Anyway, everyone always wants to go and I don’t so I end up at home with my parents. Which isn’t bad because I rarely get alone time with them, but I do have a bit of guilt because they do beg me to go.
Sigh. I am going to go and do some laundry and wait for the phone call that puppy Chubby is ready for pick up. He is at the vet for his yearly comprehensive exam.
And I’ll probably play Sims too.Have a great middle of the week!
OHH I almost forgot: Jaylyn pictures!
Welcome to the World
Sleepy Girl
So Serious! Looks just like Daddy did!
Can you believe the amount of hair that girl has?!
And some new ones of Az:
Love these Bows!!
Rockin the Shades
Chillaxin on the Couch
The title is only partially right since there isn’t much going on at this point in my cycle- at least not physically. I will list here though some of what I felt through out the day so I have a record- just in case.
Today was crazy. I felt like I was having hot flashes, and when the temperature outside is 95 the flashes are more than just a little bit uncomfortable. No sore breasts (last cycle they were crazy sensitive) but they have done their customary filling out- I swear I am such a full C that in my luteal phase I have to wear D’s (I know way too much info, but since I am listing my issues I feel as though the observation is appropriate). My coffee made me nauseous this morning and I couldn’t even finish it (make me way sad). I had a headache but I think that was more due to the fact that I was really late in my med dosage today combined with my lack of java. I got all caught up in making the grocery list and what stores I needed to hit up before I ran drove to the hospital to pick up meds from the special order pharmacy. The guy, Sean is his name, asked me how the supps were workin and I told him that next Friday was the day. I told him that he would know since I’d have to order the progesterone supps for the duration of the first tri-mester.
Side Note: I think it is kind of sad that I can walk into any pharmacy on this post and they know me. They ask me how my other appointments are going, if results are in, etc. My grandma joked that all my friends here are my doctor’s and their various assistants. Its true though. I don’t even need to show my identification card anymore. Back to the physical…
I must say that with supps attempting to track CM is pointless. I take mine at night and I must say that I think it is working quite well. I don’t know how women who use it during the day function!
That is really about it.
Now emotionally things are up and down. Today started out badly. I don’t know what I was dreaming about but my very first thought when I was “I am going to make a sucky parent”.
How irrational. The panic and the fear were there though in a way that is new for me. At the commissary today I got one of those baggers who just doesn’t know how to say the right thing. I must say that I am a bit (ha!) bloated at this point so I am wearing a rather lose shirt. I expect people to think “I wonder if she is pregnant” but I certainly do not expect to be asked about it. Not only asked, but then the prying that came after my answer.
She asked me the question with a smile- like the only possible answer is yes. When I told her no she then asks me if I have recently had a baby.
HELLO SHERLOCK! The middle of the day on a WEDNESDAY- doesn’t she think that if I had a child (especially a baby) said child would be WITH me?!
So I just tell her that its the medications I am on and she then asks me what medicines! I just ignored her at that point. Her tip certainly wasn’t as generous as is the norm for me. Though the difference I gave to a woman in need so I feel good. When I get home I look in the bags and the dimwit didn’t even pack things correctly! I wasn’t in a good mood at all and poor Hubbs had to deal with it. It was so bad that he decided he would go take a nap (which at this point I believe will last the rest of the night LOL).
Anyway, on to some good things. I must say that opening my fridge and seeing my grapes, cherries, feta cheese, goat cheese, water, juices makes me happy. Our pantry is what one would call “loaded”. I make sure we have sufficent canned food(veggies, meats, fish and rice) to last us at least a couple of weeks if things get hairy in any particular pay period (not to mention easy for the Man to make for himself when I am not up to making a meal). I do love my fresh fruits and dairies though. At the end of pay periods the fridge is usually empty and sad looking- though it is ideal for keeping it clean!
Today they had some good lookin kiwi and asparagus so I got those things as well (we LOVE roasted asparagus with salt and pepper as a snack!) I chose a great day to go too! Hardly anyone in there since the pay day rush had passed. It is a much more enjoyable experience.
Today I went into Babies-R-Us to see if my friend had registered there as of yet and they were having a sale! Oh my Lord! So many cutie things and I had to put some back to stay inside my budget. It was just $25 so I didn’t think I would be able to get much. I also wanted to price christening dresses for my niece, and there were gorgeous ones there! Anyway, with the sale I ended up getting SIX full outfits for Beebee! I was/am very excited about a great deal. The Hubbs made the observation that maybe I am projection shopping- meaning I am shopping for her but wishing it was for us. I understand how he can say that but in all honesty I’ve just picked up little things here and there that were on sale and never once wished it were for us. I think maybe that has more to do with me not thinking it is ever going to happen for us- which I think in this case is a good thing. I mean, I really enjoy getting these things for my one of my Best Friends and I am glad that there isn’t sadness attached to it.
I also stopped by JoAnn’s Fabrics! I picked up a pattern for baby slings. So that is my next project just as soon as I finish this blanket and I am very excited to be making it. The only thing is that I have an idea of how I want the fabrics to look but there are soo many choices.
I’ll jot some ideas here.
I want to do a bamboo fabric shell- easy breathing, easy care- in like a chocolate brown. Now its the inside lining I am conflicted about! I want a pattern that has slate blue, lime green and the chocolate color. I’ve seen some great patterns in paisley and polka dots as well as some great geometric patterns. Then I saw the Toile and it made things that much harder to decide. So I walked out with the pattern (which was a full five dollars cheaper than I thought it was going to be- yay!) but no fabric. I have decided to look online and this has become a problem of too much choice. Who’da thunk it?! I mean I thought I was pretty specific in fabric and pattern but apparently it still isn’t narrow enough.
Ohh I almost forgot! While I was in the Commissary I got a phone call from the clinic telling me that I need to reschedule my beta draw because the 26th has turned into a training day. So now my wait is the full 15 days and my draw is on the 29th at 2:50.
It’s gonna be crappy timing should the test be negative. That is the week we go home for the family reunion. Dealing with the disappointment as well as a period could be hazardous to the health of many members of my extended family.
Anyway, this is kind of long. Tomorrow I am going to attempt a light hearted post.
thanks for reading!
There’s a post comin…
I just have to simmer down the anger from the level of eruption…
The wait begins- 10 days until my beta draw.
Sigh.
I want to be excited and hopeful but in all honesty at the moment I am just feeling a bit–
Numb?
Indifferent?
Apathetic?
Detached?
Lukewarm?
Nonchalant?
All of those words fit my general feelings about this cycle. I think that in my mind there isn’t a possibility even though I know that our timing is great, I have three rounds of clomid behind me, and begin the suppositories tonight.
Can I say that I am not looking forward to supps?
Not that I am not glad that I’ll be pulling up my numbers, its just that in the interest of charting and looking for those clues will be absolutely pointless.
Now what to fill the days with? I could of course pick up my knitting that has just been sitting the last few months. There are things that certainly need to pick up and finish.
Now… later I should post about the barbecue we went to yesterday. Definitely interesting considering the point we are at in my cycle.
At least this wait is ONLY 10 days considering my usual luteal phase is 15 days!
So, the title of this particular post is in all actuality a warning. This isn’t going to be pretty (well some of it may be) but really- from my perspective- its just stuff I need to get off of my chest. I hope that even if the pervasive tone of this particular post can be taken as “caustic” I can inject an undercurrent of humor.
Now that I have my warning up I can move along to something that has been gnawing on my peace mind since it popped up in my moderation queue for comments. Now before I move on I just want to say that the intent of this particular comment is obviously one of comfort but because of it wording it just ends up causing more discomfort.
I haven’t (before now) directly addressed a comment in a post before but this is such a perfect example of what not to say to a woman (yeah, now that is singular since we are assured that the Hubbs is just fine) who is suffering from primary infertility.
I know how you feel. We couldn’t have any more after our first child. We spent years trying to find solutions. My son prayed for years for God to send him a baby brother – at every meal, no matter who was there. Sometimes these challenges are designed to draw us closer to God. I reached out, full throttle – and God delivered (do you like the pun?) Study all the women in the bible who had fertility issues. Start there. Then read Psalm 139. Meditate on that for awhile. My son had to take a picture from every year of his life and tell a story about it in the 6th grade. He explained how he’d prayed for a baby brother for years. “Be careful what you pray for because God blesses abundantly. I now have 3 baby brothers.” Well, four now. I remember being obsessed,depressed, crying until I put it in God’s hands.
This comment has been sitting, waiting for the click of the “approval” button. Every time I went to make a decision on if it should be approved I would read it and just get angry. My primary impression was “How is this woman going to tell me in her first sentence that she knows how I feel yet in the very next sentence saying ‘…after our first child‘?”.
Like I said, I know the primary motivation of this comment was to provide comfort and encouragement but this absolutely doesn’t. There is no way a woman who is already a mother knows what it is like to face a lifetime without children. That isn’t something they will (hopefully barring an unfortunate happening) never understand. It isn’t even something they can begin to grasp.
Then to continue on to say that these things are sent to us to bring us closer to God assumes that I don’t already have a close relationship with Him or that He is using my fertility as some sort of leash. To suggest I make a study of infertility in the Bible is one thing, but to phrase in a way that assumes that after four and a half years of primary infertility I haven’t already made a study of the subject comes across as a bit high- handed. I wonder if said commenter realizes that every single woman in the Bible who suffered from infertility went through exactly the same things women today do- there was no resolution until they had a child. Hannah wept at the feet of God. Sarah (who I am sure also wept at the feet of God in her child-bearing years) laughed at the mere suggestion that after decades of infertility, followed by decades of menopause that she would bear a child. Granted I haven’t gone through decades but at this point I do feel like laughing at any suggestion that I could have a child of my body. All things are possible with God, but lets be honest here- its not looking like the probability is that great at this point in time.
“Handing it to God” is right on par with “relax”, “take a vacation”, “don’t think about it and it will happen”. None of these things are something you tell a woman living through infertility. It doesn’t help. It (to me) is something that is said by people so they feel better- not so the person they are telling it can feel better.
It is also something that is easy to say when your life is filled with caring for the child you already have- while you experience what I cannot but desperately wish I could.
The only thing I am perfect at being is imperfect and that fact is not a surprise to God. It is no surprise to Him when my faith wavers. The thing is that it is absolutely alright for me to be human. I have not cursed God but like Job I question why I have to go through the trials I face. That is allowed. The bible also tells us to “cast your cares upon Him” and I don’t see how that can be done without all the emotion that comes with those cares.
Back to a general observation of this particular type of comment. What if I weren’t a Christian? If I were someone who wasn’t a believer, the tone of this statement would cause offense and over-shadow any comfort that was intended. What if I were in a place where I did curse God? This comment would merely deepen my disbelief and anger because it would be like infertility were a punishment for some deed done. I know this from spending so many years in the infertility community. From reading the accounts from atheists, agnostics, and disaffected believers about their interactions with well-intentioned women (because let’s face it more often than not it is women who say these things) these comments do more harm then good.
I think it is pretty safe to advise that if a person has not made their spiritual beliefs known (either in their bios or a previously made post) then it is best to say something about how YOU will send them your thoughts/prayers, about what YOU hope for them rather than telling them what they should do and then telling them where to start. Additionally, when you are coming from the other side (meaning of course that you are a mother) can I suggest that when leaving these kinds of comment you remember that rather than tagging on the specifics of your success (in this case saying that you now have four children) just keep it to that you have suffered through IF and while coming from a different place you still empathize.
Moving along.
So I think that in my last posting I said how my sister was having bleeding. Last night she knew she was having a miscarriage. I am sorry that she is having to go through this kind of loss. I know that it is hard- but she is in no way ready to be a mother. My mom called me just now to talk about her feeling about the whole situation.
I am going to take a second here and say that I love that I am my mom’s best friend. She calls to talk to me about things she doesn’t feel she can talk to anyone else about. Ok..back to the main event…
If the pregnancy had continued then I don’t know what would have happened. I don’t think her boyfriend would have been very involved but I do know that my parents would have allowed them to stay home. My mom would have taken on the care of both my sister and her child. Now here is where some of my ire arises at my younger siblings- all three of them.
Right now my dad can’t work. He has a failed kidney and does dialysis three times a week- four hours a day. That means that my mom is the one that has to drive him there and be there with him. My two youngest (sister and baby bro) seem to insist that she continue to provide their transportation for them-not seeming to take into consideration the strain she is already under just trying to keep my dad healthy. Not only does she bring him to and fro but she had to daily wash the dogs because of the catheter. Still cooking and cleaning house for the whole immediate family PLUS my middle brother’s wife and child. None of them help in any way and that pisses me off more than anything. My mom asked my middle brother for help with paying the rent and he had the nerve to tell her no! He and his wife pay no rent to live at home. They don’t pay for any portion of the utilities. They doesn’t pay for groceries. They don’t pay for childcare. They do go out to eat for dinner more often than not and go out to the clubs (did I mention they don’t pay for childcare?). My sister at this point in her life would just add to that and based on current level of care- would EXPECT Mama to provide the care for her and her child in the same way. Mama has reared her children already and if anything they should be offering to help her! She shouldn’t have to worry about anything but my Dad at this point.
Taking this into consideration I thought let my sister know that if she were willing to pay a third of the rent then she could stay with us and not have to worry about childcare. I don’t know if she would have taken the offer though I don’t know if she would have taken it-who gives up free for having to pay (granted far less than if she went out on her own).
(This post is taking me all day to write).
My sister and I just spoke and she had decided that maybe she should probably get on birth control and she went today to re-enroll in school. I think it is funny that the same words that came out of my mom’s mouth came from hers. She is sad…but she is glad because she isn’t ready.
I think that this is definitely long enough for now. I have wiled away the whole day in the composition of this … and Dear Reader if you made it this far then go ahead and pat yourself on the back. I apologise that there was very little humor to cut the sour.
At least I think this is the 2nd… it may be the third. I am just too lazy to go through and try to find the tag.
Anyway, I don’t think this is going to be a very long post (but who really knows? We’ll see as we go along).
So yesterday my 2nd niece Jaelyn was born (those of you who have me on Facebook might have kept up with the updates) yesterday at 11:43 PM EST. She came in at 21 inches (no surprise as her parents are both rather tall) weighing 7lbs 11oz. I am waiting for pictures.
I also got a call from my mom yesterday saying that my sister started bleeding but they are not sure what is going on. I asked if they did a beta draw to see if her numbers were dropping and my mom said they didn’t. I may not be happy about my sister being pregnant but that doesn’t mean that I don’t care when doctors treat her nonchalantly. I mean if its a miscarrage then with the numbers she can somewhat prepare and can know what to expect over the next few days. If she isn’t then at least she can know that as well and be less stressed out about it.
I haven’t heard from my brother (J____ who is currently fighting leukimia) as to what his status is. I know that he’s tired and going through so much now that I am taking no news as good news though I pray for him every day.
As far as Az goes… getting things set for her baptism is getting a bit complicated on my end. I never registered us at the church we were going to go to but when I went yesterday and we went through all the paperwork- come to find that they moved the parish lines and so we are now just one street from the parish the church we had gone to- figures. Anyway, so now I have to find the church that we actually belong to- where the address says it is and what is actually there doesn’t seem to jive.
That is pretty much it as far as mi familia goes.
Cycle wise… well nothing goin on over here. My temp jumped this morning but I am pretty sure that is because I overslept by a couple of hours. Even then it isn’t more than .02 above the highest previous to it (which was by a few days). The hubbs should be home tomorrow (I was hoping for today and he said yesterday it might not be until Friday-no one knows). I am hoping they don’t go the extra day because we need that time for us.
ETA:
I should have kept my fingers to myself when it comes to saying that was all that was goin on with mi familia.
My sister’s boyfriend- the contributor to pregnancy- is in jail and it isn’t for something minor…
police arrest robbery/assault suspects
Good grief. I won’t specify which particular suspect he is but this does not make me happy to say the very least. I don’t understand what she is doing running around with these guys. Apparently her B/F is saying that he only stood outside and has convinced her that was the extent of his involvement. The incident happened before they started dating. She believes him and I suppose we’ll just have to see.
Why does life continually kick me in the head?
My sister found out last night that she is pregnant. She just texted me.
she is seven years younger than I am. She isn’t going to college. She doesn’t have a job (unless you count clubbing as such). Lord only knows what her boyfriend is gonna do with himself.
In a couple of weeks is our family reunion… I don’t even want to go anymore. Just say that something came up and use the leave just to hide at home.
I have been wanting to make a post for a few days now. I don’t know where my time goes because I swear it seems like a flash from when I wake up til when I go to sleep.
I know I always say that, but its true.
So whats going on here? As you can probably tell from the title I am not really doing much of anything fertility wise at this point in time. In fact, I haven’t had an appointment since CD3.
I did have my acupuncture and amazingly things have really kind of improved- which is always a good thing. The only odd thing is that most of my bad spots/pain was on my right side. Its like the spots decided to move.
And I finally got in my laser appointment. I had to keep postponing because of where I was in my cycle- the original appointment for this session was 10 April! So it was rather interesting. I called after my acupuncture appointment to see if perhaps they had any cancellations so that I wouldn’t have to drive home just to leave an hour later for the other side of town. Unfortunately, they didn’t so I did precisely that: went home, let the dogs out to play for an hour then hit pre-rush hour traffic (you know what I am talking about- those people who take off early on Fridays) to get to the other side of town.
So I get there and find out that they have a new laser! See I am doing full leg and bikini line (woot!) and normally it takes awhile- like a hour and a half longer than what it took this time around. My usual lady couldn’t do my appointment because she was told that she already had too many hours this past week, so I had a new lady. Well she’s been there for a few months but I haven’t been- so she is new to me.
There is always time for chit-chat while going through the treatment. I suppose most experience some level of pain, but to me its like a warm washcloth so I have no problem yakin it up- especially when the Man is gone and I have lots of words! So she was telling me that after me she had her first genitals appointment and she was really kind of scared about it. I totally understand where she is coming from- it isn’t that difficult to do a Brazilian on a woman, but there are significant differences in doing male genitals. I mean, with women we feel the zap but usually its not like we get aroused. Guys on the other hand…well.. that’s a whole lot of “stimulation” if ya know what I mean (and I know that you do). Anyway, so we thought that we had finished early enough that I wouldn’t have to run into this particular gentleman but we were wrong. The man decided to come early! AWKWARD!
But funny just the same.
That is pretty much all that’s happened on this end. I know! What an exciting life I lead!
Mentally, (we are gonna do a quick left turn here to a previously discussed topic from earlier on in this post- just a warning) as far as this cycle goes I am kinda there and not there. I am not thinking about what my temps are doing, what my ferning is doing, or when I’ll ovulate. I kind of just go through the motions at this point as far as the “technical” goes; however, the other day while I was driving I completely zoned out for a second when I passed an empty playground (that is just accross in the next neighborhood). Good thing I can drive home on autopilot. I was just imagining a little girl of mine. I am not sure if it has to do with wishing for a future daughter (which I don’t really think is it since I would be happy with any healthy-or unhealthy even- pregnancy and a live baby) or if it has to do with Asiana (which I am thinking is more likely).
I would like to say that I don’t know what brought it on but then I would be lying. I know that the probability is that since she was the closest I’ve had to being a mother that these random daydreams would of course be of her instead of a baby we’ve never seen. I suppose that a part of my heart is still trying to reconcile that we probably won’t even see her again (as I doubt her grandmother is going to let her call- even though she has our number). I just worry about her out there in a foreign country and how she is coping with her grandmother. She should be starting school as well. Sigh.
Anyway, I am off to spend my Sunday watching the Disney Channel.
I will make another post later today, but I have to do errands (which happen to include a trip to the post office so it will all get done this morning).
I just want to make aware that today is June 6- it is the 65th anniversary of D-Day (Normandy, France). Remember all those who fought for something greater than themselves and gave all they could give. For the families who lost loved ones on that historic day and for those who survived it all. Remember that we did not accomplish it on our own.
Thank a veteran and remember the fallen.
I am so very uncreative these days with my post titles right? I find though that it is easier for me at this point in time to keep track of things- that and I am just lazy.
I know it!
Anyway so today is CD4 and tomorrow I start the third round. I have the suppositories in the fridge- sittin on the bench ready to be called into the game. Found out that tomorrow my Hubbs is going out for field problems until the 11th which is absolutely fine as I should be CD13 at that point. We will have the full fertile window this cycle provided I ovulate around the same time as last cycle (CD17) which really ups the chances. I hope and pray that I ovulate from the left side which will be optimal.
I am also hoping that they don’t extend this particular exercise- even though based on past experience it will be.
My GYN was incredibly pleased that today was cycle day 1 and I was right on target in making my appointment for today.
I found out a couple of things today but I’ll start out with the plan for this cycle.
We were both “YAY” excited that I actually ovulated this cycle and that I actually bled on my own. Not so happy that my luteal phase was only 12 days (and my progest. numbers weren’t where she was happy). I stay on the 100mg days 5-9 this cycle but am adding progesterone suppositories 1-15 DPO (and if I do get pregnant at any point then I will remain on the supps through to the beginning of my second trimester).
My HSG… sigh. Like I said before the right side is about 2/3’s blocked. (I want to slap the next person who tells me that I only need one tube by the way). Also apparently my cervix is a bit “tight” (which would explain the cath problem). Generally they said I tolerated the procedure well.
The Hubbs S/A- is perfect. In fact the man has “overachievers”. His morph percentage was 56.7% and Motility was at 64.6%. Both numbers well over what the standards are and the Hubbs was more than happy with his full results (he asked that I not put ALL of his info out there so he could have some privacy- the crazy man). I am happy for him (a bit grudgingly if I am going to be completely honest) because I know that he was really worried about it. He was scared since his first S/A wasn’t so hot. There was a lot going on before that so I am sure that played a bigger role than we gave credit for.
So its me.
Go figure, right?
(Okay, from this point is just a recount of the day–if you don’t want to continue reading then I totally understand)
Can I just say that the pharmacy was out of control? I got my clomid just fine. The supps though weren’t so easy. I had to wait at the clinic TMC until they figured out that they didn’t have any and they sent me back to Dr.N to tell her so and that she should put in an order at the hospital outpatient pharmacy (like they couldn’t pick up a phone?). I went back there anyway and passed the message along so that I could stop by to see if Dr.D had anyone in with her (she did so I didn’t get a chance to talk to her about butt-wipe endocrinologist).
So I get over to the hospital and thankfully the parking wasn’t so bad. At this point I was really crossing my fingers for a quick in and out since I did call ahead to see if they had any supps on hand (since they have to be made) so that I would know if I had enough time to go get them and stop by the post exchange. So I wait for my number to be called and its always a bit slow. Then I get up to the window and there was a whole issue with the supps on hand blah blah blah. They asked me to sit down and they would call me. I waited and waited…
and waited…
and waited…
Then someone called my name. I had my supps and even got an express pass for my next pharmacy visit! It doesn’t sound like much but seriously- a skip to the front of the pharmacy line card is like GOLD!
Oh I also found out that as of 22May the outpatient pharmacies would not be carrying my Lyrica! Now when my refills run out I have to go to the speciality pharmacy to get it. Not such a big deal as I have just had my refills renewed and the refill pharmacy will still issue refills. I was all sighing with relief when the guy tells me that in August, I will have to go through loops to prove that it is medically necessary for me to be on Lyrica. I would think that the fact that I have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia and Lyrica is FOR fibromyalgia patients it would automatically be deemed medically necessary. Besides when I was first put on this particular med I had to jump through all those hoops to get the stuff from the speciality pharmacy. BAH HUMBUG!
The time waiting though did cost me. I needed to get to the post exchange so that I could get shoes, make-up and undergarments (all of which cost far more than the dress itself) for this ball tonight. I grab some taco bell (because the last ball had awful food) and proceed to rush as much as one can during rush hour to get home. I run in the house with my shoes, hose, undergarments, and make up and proceed to get myself ready (sort of). The man can’t find his dress shoes so we have to stop at the post exchange AGAIN so I can run in my very high (but very gorgeous- so worth the pain) heels to the clothing & sales to grab him some new shoes. We get downtown and find that the hotel where this ball is being held happens to be in the very center of street detours- so we first had to find parking downtown then walk there (I might remind you that I have now run in brand new heels and was now pounding the pavement in them as well). Then it hits me what is wrong with his uniform. It isn’t the placement of medals, patches, etc. It is the fact that he is wearing a GREEN shirt instead of a white one… and a necktie instead of a bowtie. No way he can go in there like that so all my rushing was for naught (along with the god- awful dress shopping expidition).
So we came home. I got all dressed up for an hour in the car. Go me. It really was alright with me though. I hate balls and I really hate getting all dolled up.
So this morning flow beat me to the punch once again and this cycle is busted. I already have an appointment today with the GYN so I suppose the timing is good to get the Rx for this cycle of clomid. Not so good that I have a Ball to attend this evening and I am not sure I will be in the mood for talking to strangers. I am supposed to get my HSG results today as well as the S/A. Hopefully both those things will be on record before my appointment this afternoon
Hey, at least I don’t have to take provera right?
Here I am– back again.
But really it is no surprise as this is my blog.
Where am I? Well physically I am 11 or 12 DPO (right at this moment I don’t remember). I am having what would be considered a good luteal phase. I have all the symptoms of a good level of progesterone. Sensitive Ladies, expanding my relationship with John in the bathroom, etc etc
Do I think we are pregnant? Nope sure don’t.
Remember my last post? Where I said there was some optimism? Yeah, that is pretty much gone today. I am thinking that all the great symptoms are those of have a good strong ovulation- which is a step above last cycle right?
Emotionally I am not so hot. I don’t know if it has to do with hormones or just my plummeting self-confidence. I found out Monday that there is an Army ball on Friday. I don’t have a dress in this house that fits me now–thank you meds for the extra poundage… NOT. I figured that I could find a good dress at JC Penny’s for a good price. I usually do and so I planned on only having to go down the street.
Ha! Yeah right.
First I had to figure out exactly what my size was- which sounds easy but it wasn’t. Apparently I am between sizes- and I mean all sizes. In Women’s I don’t quite fit into certain sizes. So I tried the mid-size (which of course brings one into the junior’s sizes) and that one didn’t quite fit either. So I thought to try petites and that wasn’t quite right either.
So I had to go to the mall. I went to Sears, Macy’s, Penny’s (again), Dillards, and those little speciality stores in between and still didn’t like any of the formal dresses. I ended up buying the one dress that fit the best and I don’t even like the thing. Plus, it is more suited for cocktail hour than a ball.
Some would say I could dress it up with accessories or my hair, but my hair is too short to do anything outside of straightening it- but I wear it like that all the time.
I know it really shouldn’t matter since I am pretty positive since this was planned on the fly that once again it won’t be great. The last ball we had was Christmas 07 and it was awful. They should have called it a banquet with an all you can eat bland food buffet. Considering all this I really shouldn’t worry about the appropriateness of my attire but I can’t help myself. I was raised primarily by my Grandmother and that generation you most definitely dress to the occasion (meaning that travel meant wearing a nice dress, nice shoes, etc rather than comfort based- I don’t dress to fly because of all the security but I do feel guilty every time I do). At this point, I am seriously considering just having him go by himself since he is required to be there. The one chick I have a great time talking to won’t be going because her mom is out of town and they have no one to watch the boys.
You know what sucks about this weight gain due to these meds?
That I look like the stuff has worked–but it hasn’t and because of that I just want to hide so no one asks.
UGH bah humbug
OHH I am wondering if anyone has experience with beta blockers and how they affect temp charts?
Well, with my temps it seems as though this time for sure I did ovulate so I am glad for that. In the interest of too much information I am wondering if gassy-ness is a side effect?
Cause seriously… it is getting completely out of hand.
Over the last few days this has come upon me and this morning it woke me up it was so loud! I kid you not! I am so glad at that point that the Hubbs wasn’t home because he would never let me live that one down. He is naturally gassy- to the point that there is always a can of nutra-air whenever he comes and sits in the same room with me. I have been known to tell him that I think something crawled up there and died! I rarely have gas and even then it is usally in the restroom- the one place where it actually belongs in my very honest opinion. Yesterday, I had a tweet and he heard accross the room and thought it was one of the dogs (they are quite gassy as well at times). I certainly did not correct that particular view point.
I must say that I am a bit hopeful this cycle-” reluctantly optimistic” is probably a good descriptive phrase to name what I am feeling. There is still a good percentage though that is what I would call “realistically pessimistic” though.
Ok.. thats enough of all that. Right now I am 10 DPO… I have my appointment for my beta draw on Friday and that is when we will get back the S/A results as well as the “offical” results from my HSG.
If you want a peek at the chart then its linked up top.
Have a great Memorial Day! Make sure to thank a veteran, and remember the fallen- those who are truly heros.
If those of you who read here would do something for me I would be so grateful.
My little bro (step-bro) J….. (I say “little but hes 25) has just found out that he’s got a form of leukemia in the bone marrow. He’s already begun chemo and they are doing more testing.
Keep him in your thoughts/prayers please. He’s such an amazing person and it will be very difficult for him to all of a sudden be so limited in what he can do.
Please, thoughts and prayers for the best of a very bad situation.
Updated to add: the type of cancer he has is Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia….
You know I have been thinking the last couple of days that I should make a post here, but really what else is there left to say? I realized that here in about three months I will have been blogging my feelings and experiences since July 2007 and there really isn’t anything new.
It does appear as though I have had some response to the clomid- but only by my temperatures. Cervical mucus has been minimal but that is to be expected with the clomid. The only thing I am unsure of is the date. Yesterday was a day filled with low crampy feelings and the “Ladies” hurt a bit. It wasn’t bad but it was enough for me to take notice.
I must say that the hubbs came home and thankfully we didn’t have a baby makin session- we had a “I really missed you and Im glad your home” session(s). I didn’t really give thought that I might actually produce a chance for conception because it was already past the window that it should have happened. This body is so freakin defective! Nothing can be easy when it comes to me it seems. It seems as though we have a slim chance if I ovulated late in the day on CD16- so our session would be less than 12 hours. So I made a ticker (which I haven’t done in quite some time) and I have a beta draw scheduled for the 29th which would be my CD30/14DPO (that is of course provided I actually responded).
Even then we must consider that it could have very well ovulated on the right side- the side where the tube is partially blocked- in which case we again are on the wrong side of the stats.
So my motivation for the ticker? Well I don’t rightly know but until I come to my senses I’ll leave it up.
Maybe I’ll make a ticker countdown for my beta draw…
IM GOING TICKER CRAAY-ZEE!!
Since October of 2006 I have come across more than my fair share of doctors.
Most of them have been absolutely wonderful. In fact I hadn’t ever chosen a bad doctor so my experiences were good overall.
Moving here though, with an MTF (military treatment facility) making it impossible for me to technically choose my own doctor I have come across doctor’s I would never willingly choose. The first doctor I was assigned to neglected me for a year. I had to have an emergency for them to give me an appointment with a different doctor and even then it was only supposed to be for that one appointment. To prove just how uncaring that first doctor was- he passed me in the emergency room and didn’t even realize that I was his patient.
There was no way I was going to go back to him! I loved her and so from that point on I just made all of my appointments as follow-ups. I guess Tri-care caught on and sent me a letter telling me that I had been re-assigned. For the last year, Dr.D has been absolutely amazing. She knows me and she keeps up with all of my referrals and asks me to make appointments just so that we can make sure we are on the same page as far as progress, procedures, and results go. She got me into Internal Medicine so that I could get my Fibro under control. She got me into Neurology so that we could find out why I was having tremors. She got me into Cardiology to figure out why I am tachycardic. She got me into Physical Medicine/Acu so that I can be fully functional. She was able to get me to GYN for fertility testing and basic help.
With everything going on she was/is concerned that there may be a metabolic issue. Something with hormones so she got me into endocrinology.
And I finally met one. I finally met the biggest ASS of a doctor.
He basically tells me that my thyroid is fine and there isn’t anything he can do. I know that there is a reason for my crazy cycle and my non response to meds. I know that something could be going on with my ovaries- which produce hormones as well- which is his supposed specialization. And if there was nothing he could do then why did he call me in on the first day I didn’t have an appointment? With a day like yesterday I just needed a day of chillin out but I figure if they are callin askin for me to come in that there is a good reason for it. I sat in the waiting room and watched him yak it up with other doctors.
He made me feel stupid for even being there.
He didn’t even read my chart. I know that because he sat there and stared at me like I had grown another head when I made a comment about what I know to be in my chart. He asked me why I was there— uhhh duh there would only be one reason for me to be there. I wasn’t there because I like making appointments in random departments of the hospital! A major concern is my rather abrupt gaining of about 20lbs. Another would be that I gained weight to spite the fact that I don’t feel hungry. I can go a full day without realizing that I haven’t eaten anything. My heartrate is out of control. I am obviously having fertility issues.
Would you believe the man said that it was because of my weight gain! Last time I checked 20 lbs didn’t render a female infertile or cause increased heartrate. If so there would be a lot less children in this world that is for dang sure. When I expressed this opinion he looked at me like I didn’t know what I was talking about.
So then he says that I’d have to stop taking my meds if I wanted to lose the weight and get my appitite back (which used to be really healthy by the way). I was off only ONE of my meds last week and couldn’t even function by day 7 off- how am I supposed to stop taking them all? Doesn’t he think I need those? Perhaps he feels as though I just pick and choose meds like I would if I were in the candy store.
So I told him about last week and he says to me that I shouldn’t even be trying to get pregnant because I won’t “give up” the meds I’m on.
UGHHHH!
I can’t even keep typing. I don’t even think that what I have written makes much coherent sense.
It is just one more nail in the coffin of the dream of children.
Today was one of those days that I wish I got paid for going to appointments.
I left this house at 9:15 this morning and didn’t get home until a bit after 5:30. That is a full work day- and I didn’t even get lunch!
This morning I had my beta draw where I ended up waiting for an hour and fifteen minutes which made me late for my Cardiology appointment which in turn made me late for my HSG appointment.
In all it was a crazy day so let me bring it back to the beginning (a very good place to start…)
So I set my alarm only I didn’t hear it when it first went off. I initially thought that I would give the dogs a couple of hours to run around before I left but alas… they got like 45 minutes. I thought that the time allotted (an hour for the lab, thirty minutes to get to the cardiologist) would be plenty.
I say that never again will I agree to go to the hospitals lab. It is right there by “Woman’s Health” which is really just OB/GYN issues. I was surrounded by pregnancy and newborns. Talk about wanting to shove my head in a cushion. At least at the troop medical clinic (AKA: TMC which is where both my Primary care physician and my GYN operate from on the main post) the lab is by physical therapy areas. The Childrens waiting room is on the far side of the clinic so I don’t have to deal with the whole fertile thing outside of the main waiting room.
So I called the Cardio office and told them about what was going on. I was glad that they said they understood and to just call when I was done with the lab and they would let me know if I could still get in to see him. Luckily I could. So I went in and they checked my heart rate and there was no change. He asked me how I was feeling and I told him honestly: Like crap. I have slept every night for seven days and I feel like I have gone seven days with no sleep. I can’t function during the day because I am exhausted. This past weekend I literally went from the bed, side trek to let the dogs out, laid on the couch, got up to let the dogs in, laid on the couch, etc etc until it was time for the dogs to go to bed- which is when I went to bed. So he told me to continue with the nortriptyline and added a beta blocker to try and get my rate down. He said it should take about four weeks to be able to tell if it is working so that is my first appointment for the month of June. He also made it so far out because he has yet to get my “official” results from the cardio lab at the hospital (Beaumont is not pullin through for me that is for sure).
So at this point I only have about 45 minutes to get back to the hospital and with lunch traffic I wasn’t holding out much hope. I get to radiology and fortunately when I got there they hadn’t gotten my lab results in yet so I got to sit there and wait.
Then the Sgt hands me a folded piece of paper and tells me that I have to go over to “Woman’s Health”- pshaw- and that I may not be able to do my HSG! Who doesn’t want to walk into a waiting room full of women in various stages of pregnancy? So of course on my way there I look and see that my HcG is a bit elevated but not enough to stop an HSG. I know this but he apparently doesn’t have a clue. The man is going to make me go over there so that someone can look at the puny number and sign on the line saying I could go ahead with the procedure. I get there knowing what was coming up I was not going to particularly enjoy. So I walk up and hand them the paper- which apparently caused some sort of issue. I had to wait until someone could “sign off” and they didn’t “know how long it would be until someone was available. Sigh
The only thing I wondered was what was causing the slight elevation. I have had my share of beta draws and never had any discernible level present. I got a beta draw before my last dosage of progesterone. Yet another one before beginning my clomid this cycle. Humm, tomorrow I am going to have to try and remember to try and figure out what could have caused it. There is no way this side of Hades that I believe for a second that there was conception considering I had no indication of ovulation last cycle. Anyway, back to my rather interesting day.
So I get back to radiology for my HSG and I sign all the papers stating that I understand what the procedure is yada yada yada. Would you believe that it took three different catheters before they could find one small enough? Well yeah. That wasn’t pleasant I must say.
The results? My left side is fine, my right side is almost completely blocked. The dye did nothing to clear it so he pretty much told me “Hey, you only need one anyway”. Yeah, sure, whatever. You’d think that after 4 and a half years of infertility that I’d need 100% of my uterus for even a 25% (we all know thats for a normal couple with no known issues- which we all know I am not). It makes me all the more certain that this just isn’t gonna happen for us. I mean as of right this moment I haven’t responded to meds, and even if I do respond this cycle who is to say it will be from the left side? And even if it does happen a crucial half to the party isn’t even present. Does that mean that only every other cycle we have a decent shot? It’s not like I have 12 cycles in a year or even 10. At the rate I’m cruising through cycles lately I have seven… and that in half is what? Three and some change? This doesn’t even take into consideration my husbands s/a.
Looking at the trend I am not holding high hopes at all.
Anyway, after I was done with radiology I went over to see my doc so I could let her know what was going on as far as my cardio, and so she could put in my new perscription. We made sure that my referral for endocrinology was in the system and called up to the cardio center at Beaumont to find out why I hadn’t been called to schedule my TTE as of yet? She was put through the ringer so she is going straight to the head of the cardiology section because really- it is has been entirely too long for simple results and heaven forbid someone actually answer the phone! Anyway, found out that the pharmacy at the TMC didn’t carry the med I needed so I had to drive back to the hospital. The gate guard was like “Is this the 3rd or 4th time I’ve seen you today?”
Anyway, after all that I finally got to come home and just lay on the couch. Cramping is a word to describe how my general feeling was- back pain definitely.
So that was my day. This is certainly long enough and I am more than ready for a good nights sleep.
I miss my hubbs.
I want him home so that I can cry and be crazy.
I still have more than a week though here all by myself….
I think I should warn you, dear Reader, that for this week I am off my happy pills and it is the worst timing in the world. I am not happy, chipper, or even floating on the surface. I am drowning in my own self-pity, sense of failure, and straight up mad at life.
This Sunday is Mother’s Day and I can feel it coming- the same way that I feel the rain. It hurts.
This week in the land of Blog you will read about women in all phases of this journey. Many of us say the same things. The one’s who are now Mother’s will express their joy-along with can only be described as “survivor’s guilt”.
As for me I think I may be at my breaking point. There are many times I have written here that I haven’t yet felt like I have hit the bottom of the barrel, but this week has just be rediciously difficult. This week I feel like I hit the bottom and it fell out.
I just want to be normal.
I just want to feel that for once the universe is on my side.
I’m tired of doctors. Of appointments. Of testing. Of finding out every time a test comes back that there is something else wrong.
Today I had to go to the pharmacy and I cried because the woman next to me was picking up prenatal pills- excited by the news they just received. I was leaving with pills for another test.
I don’t care about the story behind it if there is one- I just know that she is where I want to be.
I had to stop by the lab- which is right in between Ultrasounds and Maternity.
A young woman walked out of the same room where I had my Vag ultrasounds and I tried not to cry, but I sobbed when I got to the car because she got to leave with a picture of her little one and I just left with another problem- another procedure that needs to be done.
I spoke (kind of) with my mother in law yesterday. She basically accused me of using birth control. I can’t right now write about the entire conversation, but if you are on Fertility Friend and apart of my group then I wrote about it there. Actually… here is a cut and paste:
My mother in law called me yesterday- and accused (yes that is the nicest, most appropriate word) me of using birth control. She said that she didn’t understand why I wouldn’t want children since I “stay at home”.
When I told her that I was offended- she brought up that my brother in law (who is only 19 mind you with no job, and has been trying to finish his high school for two and a half years) is “ahead of us” since Jaelyn (my niece who is due in June) is coming and it shouldn’t be like that, especially since we will be married 5 years this year.
and didn’t I want to celebrate Mother’s Day?
I hung up on her.
I think that part of why (one of the many parts) this is so much more painful than is because this past year I was a mom- a mom for 8 hours- and she was taken away because of a technicality. Something we had absolutely no control over and no way to fight to get her back. That was so difficult- I couldn’t even write about it any more than the facts of what happened.
You know how sometimes you feel like something isn’t meant to be?
I am becoming more and more convinced that motherhood isn’t meant to be for me.
Three years and 10 months of infertility- during which we had no coverage for anything beyond diagnostic testing.
We stopped trying because we kept falling on the wrong side of the odds- but hope was still kind of there.
Then came the news that our friend had passed and we were the ones named in his will to get his daughter, Asiana. That failed.
Five months of limbo.
I finally can start doing something and I don’t even respond to the meds.
Just now I found out that the Hubbs is not going to be home this month so this cycle is already busted no matter if I happen to respond this time (which I am confident I will respond since there is no chance of anything happening anyway).
I found out yesterday when i talked to my mom that my cousin is pregnant with twins. Six months and she didn’t even know- she didn’t even realize. She is in jail for the next 18 months at least. The father is gone- an illegal who got deported back to Mexico, back to his wife and children. Her parents have legal custody of the children she already has- and the only ones who will have the same father are these twins.
This really was the wrong week to be off my happy pills.
So I have said here that there seem to be quite the number of things wrong with me- outside of what is considered apart of fibromyalgia and CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome). I am having heart rate issues, weight gain beyond what I should have with the meds I’m taking (fertility related as well as fibro/cfs management), Infertility, etc.
I had yet another appointment today with my primary physician- the dreaded (but nothing compared to everything else) annual. I have said many many times that I absolutely love my doctor. She absolutely takes the time to talk about what is going on with all my other doctors and the tests/procedures results in people-speak instead of doctor-speak.
Today, she again proved to me that she is the absolute best. After my appointment I went to the lab for yet another thyroid panel- this time specifically for antibodies then went home because I am tired. See, my cardiologist is trying to figure out if it is one of my current prescriptions making my heart rate so high- so for one week I am without one and the following week it will be a different one until I cycle through all of them (except the Lyrica). This week I stopped nortiptyline and yesterday was my first night without it and the result isn’t good. Sometimes I forget exactly why I have to take a particular Rx and it is times like this that bring the realization straight to the front. I slept but got no rest- so waking up this morning I felt as though I had no sleep at all. I wanted to come home and take a nap.
Which I did.
Then I got a phone call from Dr.Draluck about 5:30 or so. She had been looking over my records and taking into consideration what we talked about today as well as what she saw with my body and she has decided (after looking at many different possiblities) that I should start testing for Cushings Syndrome. I must say that it certainly covers all the things that seems to be piling on. I am not looking forward to another issue but to have a diagnosis and a treatment is really kind of a relief. Not that I have it yet- but I am looking forward to knowing what is going on rather than trying to do something for each individual symptom.
So tomorrow and Thursday I have one test.. then next week there is another test then I go to the endocrinologist. After that I have no idea what is next.
I had told my Grandma when I got home (on the phone of course) that I was glad that I was done with my appointments for the week. I should have never opened my mouth!
As far as fertility testing- I got the instructions for my husband to get his S/A done- which will happen the first Thursday that he is back from this field problem. Today is day 3 of Clomid round 2 and I am just hoping that they work through the weekend and get to come home early so that we have a shot should my body decide to produce an egg.
Ohh totally abnormal bleeding! I normally bleed three days- Light, Med-Heavy,Light with maybe a half-day to day of spotting. I’ve currently bled five days- I won’t get into the gory details though.
