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I’ve Got A Feeling…

April 21, 2010

I have this admittedly odd habit of being a human music reference machine.  My friends find it both amusing and annoying (which is understandable for drives that last more than 6 hours) that I have all this music just stuck in my head.  Sometimes the words will pop out of my mouth unbidden.  This is especially uncomfortable when I am talking to someone I don’t know and they say something that triggers this odd reaction.  It sounds like I am being rude for interrupting and/or not really listening to what they have to say and nothing can be farthest from the truth.

Why did I say all that?

No reason in particular.  It’s just that I have been sitting here in front of the screen trying to sort myself out. The radio isn’t on or anything– Black-Eyed Peas just popped into my head- so there ya go.

To be complete forthright I had thought of naming this post something like “The Feeling Is Beginning”

You know Mother’s Day is coming up. The dreaded holiday for people in my particular branch of the fertility tree. I feel like this time around things are some how worse. I hate to sound like a broken record year after year…after year…after year

To spite my attempting to be positive throughout every other holiday of the year it just doesn’t seem possible with this one.   I don’t want to celebrate motherhood and yet am forced to by having a mother (which I am so very grateful for and love dearly) and now my sister is a mother.  I can’t even type it without tears.

When my nephew A was born I was on with Skype and my sister-in-law was all like “Welcome to the Club”.  I feel like I’m not the one she will turn to when she has a question.  Already I feel like I am just on the outside looking in.  No one thinks to ask me anything seems like lately.

And I have to admit that I am so incredibly jealous. I don’t even know if there is a stronger word but if there is then that is where I am on the scale.  I’m jealous because I wanted to be the daddy’s girl who … I don’t know

We were very close to losing our Daddy just a couple of months ago.  It’s a very real possibility that he’ll be gone and I won’t get those looks of pride and joy.

Yesterday was a potluck at The Man’s Battalion. Everyone there had kids.  Everyone asks “Do you have kids” and having to answer it over and over again has not helped this depression from setting it.  I just wanted to get up on the stage and make an announcement but somehow I don’t think that would reflect greatly on The Man- you know- to have a crazy wife.

Useless. Insignificant. Irrelevant. Invisible.

Those are the feelings setting in.  These television commercials.  Going to the store or a restaurant and everywhere I see pregnancy and motherhood.   What did I do in a previous life to deserve this?  What lesson am I not getting that warrants the continuation of this misery?

You know I’ve stepped far away from the IF community over the last year or so because I know I can’t handle it.  I’ve tried to approach our childlessness a few different ways and while it seems to work for a little while it always comes down to those four words. I tried to be positive.  I tried to be helpful to other women who have questions and I can’t just keep answering questions and watching the anonymous people have success.  I decided with The Man’s help that I just can’t do that anymore.

In the last two years all three of my younger siblings will have become parents.

In the last two years all of my very best friends have become mothers.  The most recent being my very best friend who married in March and became a step-mother- which is perfect for her because she never actually wants to be pregnant or particularly wants to deal with those early years.  She is happy with her place in her daughter’s life.

And I swear on all that I hold dear if one more person tries to tell me I am a “mother” because I have dogs might just be the straw that breaks this camel’s back.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. Polly permalink
    April 22, 2010 1:11 am

    I just wish I could give you a hug.

    Although I am on the other side now, my heart still breaks for my sisters in the trenches.

    Big hugs,
    Polly

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