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Happy Birthday, Bro

October 9, 2010



Happy 27th Birthday, Brother!


Today would have been Germy’s birthday and I am conflicted about what the importance of a birthday is when someone has passed away.  It isn’t really something I can put into words…at least not yet.  What I have been thinking over lately that Germy was so talented that maybe he was only supposed to be here for 26 years.  If it was supposed to happen though- that is a pretty rough way to make the transition. When I say Germy was completely talented I really mean that he was.  He was playing first chair violin and could rock out with his band.  Music was his hobby though- food was his love (which kind of surprised everyone when he said he wasn’t going to school for music).  He, at 25, became the executive chef at a small, atmospheric place in Missouri.  Oh man and he could bake! Pastry chef was his goal in culinary school- and he did make it- then got something better.  I wrote before that I am having some issues – a kind of stunted grieving.  This knowing that he isn’t in the world being happy scares me- so I tuck it away for awhile.



I miss you Germy and I love you always

❤ “The Short One


RIP Lori

October 1, 2010

I don’t know how many actually have heard about what happened here at Ft. Stewart over the last week.  One of our unit wives, Lori Arrowood, (whose husband is serving with mine in Iraq) went missing Saturday, 25 September 2010.  Her body was found early Wednesday morning and later in the day an arrest was made.  She was a mother and a newlywed- this October would have been their first anniversary.  My heart breaks for her husband and her children because the man charged was no stranger to the family.

He started his trip home to search for his wife and arrives stateside with the worse possible news to greet him.

If you are a praying person then please pray for this family and her friends.  Our FRG (Family Readiness Group) and the community are very supportive but there is no possible way to even imagine how they are processing this.

Someone- I don’t know who- put together a kind of tribute of Lori’s life the past couple of years so I thought I would post it.

A New Nephew

September 9, 2010

I have a new nephew as of today: Riley Paxton

Happy Birthday Lil One

He was 5lbs 14oz and 19in long.  My brother cried when he held him.  My baby brother- the one I taught to walk- now has a baby of his own.

It is interesting how life works…my brother, Germy (Jeremy), died in March and a month later my sister gave birth to our precious Azik.  Today is 09 September- six months since Germy died.  His 27th birthday would have been a month from today.

My heart is joyful but it is sad too.  I can’t even bring myself to delete his phone number from my cell. I miss knowing he is alive in the world- and I wish he could have seen his nephews.


July 9, 2010

and only half way through. I dread what comes next.

RIP Cousin Miguel

Killed in Florida

15 August 1979- 8 July 2010

Survived by his Wife and 5 children

Hit by a Truck

July 8, 2010

We’ve all heard the saying before- But I mean it quite literally. A truck…well- an SUV (but I don’t know anyone who doesn’t call an SUV a truck).

As I seem to begin most of my posts- it has indeed been awhile since my last post. I still feel odd about posting in the new space. It isn’t “broken in”. I want to say its like breaking in new shoes but I love shoes and I kinda just suck up the pain of breaking them in whereas a new blog I kinda of just avoid posting in it.

Anyway back to the truck.

No one in Hollywood could possibly write my life. Not in one script.  I don’t think they would think it completely possible that so much can happen in so short a time. I read that I think “Oh my Lord! Does my self-centered-ness know no bounds?!”. It is my blog though so really what else would I focus on, right?

Anyway- back to the truck- for  real this time.

About a week and a half ago I got a phone call from my Dad.  My Grandma was hit by an SUV. Literally.

She doesn’t drive.

She was standing at the corner waiting to cross the street. She was on her way to catch the bus to a birthday party of the little granddaughter of one of her friends

A guy was so busy trying to text and drive that he checked the curb and didn’t even realize he hit her.

He dragged her behind his truck for a block and a half.

She was standing in front of our building so thank God the tenants were outside and saw everything. These people have been renting the space from us for years (over 20) and so really they are like extended family.  One of them literally picked her up and ran her to the hospital (its not the greatest hospital in the world but it is the closest). Another called my Uncle since they all have his number because he is the emergency contact for them. He lives an hour away in Long Island. A group of them detained the driver and called the cops. It helped that my Uncle is a cop- he’s almost retired and has been teaching at the NYC Police Academy for the last 7 or 8 years.  I don’t know what is going to happen with the driver.  I can say that I am not yet reasonably objective about what happens to him at the moment.  Whatever time can be slapped on him I want him to get, whatever punishment.

Who knows? Maybe that is reasonably objective, right?

When my dad called he asked me if I was home and if I was sitting down. When he said “There’s been an accident” my heart started racing.

Okay, let me just stop here for a second and make an observation before I continue. It is relevant so it isn’t really one of those rabbit trails that I am known for.

This whole experience has me wishing that family feuds were as easy to resolve as it is on television or in the movies or books.  Its not that easy though.  My Uncle (subsequently his wife and my cousins) has had minimal contact with our entire side of the family- with the exception of my father- for the last 20+ years. I won’t air out all the dirty laundry by going into all the reasons but I will say that the separation was sustained by my Uncle and Aunt and then for whatever reason my cousins took up the banner.  I’ve always been really – proactive- in sending cards for Christmas and inviting them to our wedding.  Anything big so that it can’t be said that I perpetuated this. My Grandma and I had decided awhile ago that it would be a policy of politeness- only its been one sided.

I have great memories of my Uncle from when I was really young and wonderful memories that are shared with my cousins. Fact of the matter is that they are strangers to me now and based in actions that they have chosen to make in the recent past, I don’t trust them.  I don’t trust them and neither does anyone else on this side of the family- my Grandma’s nieces, nephews, brothers, sisters, etc.  Yes, he and my Aunt were at the hospital first but I wasn’t comfortable until I called my cousin and he was there as well.

I’ve had to suck it up though and it has been alot harder than I thought it would be. I am not a rude person and I am so grateful that he and my Aunt are stepping up to care for her now. Especially since I can’t be.  I can’t afford the plane ticket. My husband is deploying within a week. When I got the phone call I hadn’t been home an hour from the hospital.

Oh yeah, I was in the hospital for two days. I had a couple/few of  “severe” infections (UTI, bladder and kidney) with everything that goes along with those and with the stress that created within my body triggered a fibro flair and a CFS flair.  So when my dad called and asked if I was at home and sitting down I literally had been home about 45 minutes and was just beginning a week of ordered bed-rest. I couldn’t lay on my back or my front because of the tenderness. I missed the first three of his phone calls because of all the situating that happens when one gets home from the hospital.

Life is odd.  My Uncle is all of a sudden making plans to come down and visit me in September.  I didn’t tell him no- no matter how much I dislike family I don’t ever say no to something reasonable.  Now, I’ll kick them out if they bring something I don’t agree with into my home but for family my home is open if they want to come. It’s the way my Grandma raised me. Like I said before- I won’t be the one to perpetuate separation when the issue isn’t mine. It’s kinda throwing me off though cause he’s never wanted to come.  He lied to me about coming to my wedding so I am not exactly holding my breath.  They are taking far better care of my Grandmother than either one of us expected- though part of it could be that the eyes of the family are all on him while he has my Grandma.

While the estranged son makes his way into the family, my father withdraws from it.  When he called he told me in a very matter of fact matter and then ended with “Well, I am going back to sleep- I have to go to work in the morning.”  He didn’t ask if I understood what he’d said, if I was going to be okay, or anything.  He spoke directly to me and is probably the only one that doesn’t know that I was in the hospital.  The whole situation with my Uncle isn’t my issue but the situation with my dad is my issue.  You know he’s only called my Grandmother ONCE since she was admitted to the hospital and then it was for less than a minute. She termed it a ‘courtesy’ call.  But he had plenty of time to go to the movies, out to eat, spend time in front of the television and going to friends houses (we do have mutual friends even though we don’t actually talk to each other).  Those of you who read here know how I’ve written of the betrayal I have felt from him before. You would also know how much I love (and how much I value) my Grandma.  If this incident were stand alone I would have a really hard to get past but as it stands I don’t see how that is going to happen.

What kind of person shows such disregard for their own mother when she is in such a situation with no reason to warrant the action?

Maybe That’s It

June 4, 2010

Sometimes I am confused.

Well, that really something that isn’t new.  I don’t know — well, remember– if I wrote here about this situation with our oldest Niece and Nephew (ages 9 and 12 respectively).  In case I didn’t let me briefly review: The Man’s oldest two years ago was completely unknown to our side of the family. My husband’s parent weren’t married and not even 18 and so when C was born she was taken to be raised by a distant relative. Two years ago she found my sister in law Rae. When asked why his mother failed to mention another sibling, my Mother-In-Law told them she was waiting for the right time to tell them.  I find it interesting that in 28 years there was no moment good enough.  I would have like to invite them over for our wedding.

Anyway, they live in the Philippines and C approached my Mother In Law about having the kids sent over because the opportunities in education and living conditions are getting poor.  She- in turn- mentioned it to the Man and at the time we agreed to take them both should the family choose to help out.  We scheduled a “family meet” to talk about options for next week.

Naturally, when my Grandma called I told her about what was going on. After I told her the background and the tale she says we shouldn’t adopt the kids (which C and their father were willing to do so they could be here without worry about their resident status). Then she says that they should go and we chip in money. Then she says chip in money and keep them over there because I shouldn’t want to separate the children from their mother. Basically what the conversation meant was that I wouldn’t know how to be a good mother and that I wouldn’t even if I created a support around me. We should not adopt at all.  I am just lonely .She asked about the Man’s other siblings and why they haven’t offered to do anything.  When I told her of J and D (sister and brother in law who have recently moved to Jersey City from Cali) and their deep desire to not be parents she says “They are smart”.

And in the meanwhile she can help plan the 125 guest baby shower that the family is throwing for Aracely- my 19 year old, unmarried cousin who apparently is somehow more able than I am.  The Seattle branch of the family are flying to NY to attend.  See this will be the first baby born to the younger generation so there is a lot of excitement

Maybe therein lies this lesson that I am not learning.

I am going to go ahead and tuck that into another compartment in my head and stack it on top of the rapidly growing compartments .  I don’t know how much more I can take or how much longer I can keep tucking these things away to deal with individually.

I love my family but recent comments have left me scratching my head about how it is they see me exactly

I Miss My City

May 29, 2010

I am having terrible home-sickness.  Its almost been 10 years since I’ve been in New York and now is when its setting in.  It was the last place in my life that was honest. Not easy or without its pains but it was honest.

I never felt rejected or lied to– not in anything that mattered.

Im broken now. Completely. Fully. In a way I never expected to be.

I can’t seem to bring myself…to anything