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I’m Angry

August 24, 2009

I suppose that it is to be expected but to be completely honest the level of my anger might not be considered proportional to the situation.  Maybe even considered excessive.

I don’t even know where to begin in describing the – rage – that bubbled up fast and fierce when my sister told me she was pregnant…again.

Maybe it has to do with my beta test coming up.  I am willing to concede that particular point.

Maybe it is selfishness.

Maybe, just maybe, the kindling is pure hopelessness.

I called my grandmother today. As soon as I possibly could- knowing that she would be in church and then, as is customary, out to lunch with her friends. I wanted to call her last night but my anger isn’t enough reason to wake her in the middle of the night.  My feelings did not blind me to consideration.

She tends to have a calming influence on me but she allows me to “get it all out” before she gives me the verbal shakedown. By that I don’t mean that she in any way negates my feelings, but rather she reminds me that extreme emotions that bring on stress bring on flair ups.  Which is completely true.

I’ll be suffering in more than just my mood over the next couple of days I suspect.  Good thing that Friday afternoon I have my acupuncture appointment because I needed it last week.  I can’t imagine the number of needles that he’ll have to use to get all this tightness and pain out of my back and shoulders.

Now, I don’t know if my sister will carry to term.  By that I don’t mean that she’ll abort but rather if she will or won’t miscarry like her previous pregnancy. My grandmother pointed out that I was upset when my younger brother got “some girl” pregnant but that when I met her and got to know her my feelings changed. I love my niece (as any reader of the blog since the beginning of this year will know) and I love my sister-in-law.  My brother has stepped up (finally) and is beginning to see that he is the one that is responsible for his wife and child.  That his actions affect more than just himself.  His mistake is the best thing that has happened to him in his 23 years.

That situation though I was upset but I got over it pretty quickly.  With this situation there is so much more rolled up into it.  In November it will five years we’ve been on this road- five and a half if you count the “prep” before hand (for those who don’t know I was on Depo-Provera which of course requires a far longer adjustment then say pills or any other form of birth control).  We’ve done four clomid cycles already and will probably end up doing two more.  I’ve had all those “stirrup-tests” (as the Hubbs likes to refer to them) done repeatedly.  I am looking at a laparoscopy in September. Every night I deal with progesterone suppositories.  Every day I take my prenatals- like I have for so long- hoping that it will be for a good reason.

And not once in all that time have I been pregnant.

I also don’t understand the motivation behind my sister’s actions. That part adds to the frustration side of things.  I have a theory but I hope that it isn’t what happened.

I asked my Mama about what she thought about the situation and she told me that she just threw her hands up.  Apparently my sister is doing that whole subversive demand that they, being my parents, support her, and I am not talking about moral support either.  My Mama is almost in the same boat I am in.  I think that maybe part of her frustration is my situation.

I don’t know.

Sometimes I wish I played music.  Really because while I know that this is long and there will probably be post upon post about my feelings- there are things that I just don’t have the words necessary to express or describe how I feel about it.

I can’t drink so I turn to Vavaldi, Mozart, Chopin and other composers. Even then- I want to purge these things with my own fingers.  Alas, I cannot.

Sigh.

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