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Random/Drama of the Interwebz

June 28, 2009

I am not really beginning this post with any specific purpose, just to type I suppose. To do something other than the laundry or vacuuming. I could play games but I am watching a movie on the television while I type this and I don’t fancy continually dying (in the case of world of warcraft) or having some sort of disaster (in the case of Sims3) happen while I am not looking.
Ohh, my Sim- she had twin girls and she is rockin it as a single mother.

So we took a walk just now. The only fools to be out at 4 in the afternoon. Here noon isn’t the hottest time- its the late afternoon and we five (us and the three dogs) took a walk in the park. So now we five are sitting in front of various fans. I must say… won’t be doing that again.

I went to bed thinking that I would wake up in time for church this morning- and actually looking forward to it.. but I didn’t wake up.

There has been drama. If you read a previous post then you know that there has been/continues to be an event that I was reluctant to touch upon because I have readers who share these particular fora with me and did not want to alienate them. That and I was respecting that it was in a private forum- thus meaning, naturally, that to pull it from that “private” out to the “public” made me a bit uneasy.

Now though (on top of wanting to get things off my chest) it has been pulled from that private forum within the site to a public forum- not only that but placed under the heading of debate. I won’t go so far as to specify which site it is but I do feel as though I shouldn’t have to worry about the topic anyway. So lets sit down and let me tell you a story.

Once upon a time,

On a website not so far away there happened a migration of sorts. From a place where lurkers dictated to members of a private group what they should and should not be feeling on this difficult journey of infertility. These lurkers argued with members of the board that they were too angry, too bitter, and that they must consider the feelings of the people who were outside the group. These lurkers claimed the entire site as their own- they could roam and post in whatever thread they wanted because they felt it their right. No matter that the members of said group understood where each was coming from and there was no judgment- not from within. A migration was needed and a destination was provided by one of the members that appealed to all. This new website provided a space that was private. A place where each member could say what they felt- be it infused with bitterness or with whatever we felt comfortable sharing from our lives. All new members were screened and it felt good to the members to know that there was a finally a place for them to be ugly if they so chose. Even as members graduated the understanding of the motivation was still there and support flowed quite freely (for the most part) from those who moved on and those still fighting the battle. The support was about the one hurting-no matter what words came from them. It wasn’t about the feelings of those reading the post and most certainly not about the feelings of those who lurked but came out of the woodwork when THEY were offended. These migrating members brought many others to the site with them- not just those within the group but in general.

As the number of graduates grew there were some growing pains. There was a question of how both those trying still and those who were going down the new road of pregnancy could still share and support without feeling guilty about asking for support- and so in the pregnancy section of the site a new forum was added for the infertility graduates. It was nice that those still on the road could keep up with the friends they had made. That they could share in the worry and in the good news when they felt strong enough to do so.

There was a bump in the road when lurkers decided that the graduates group was too “isolated”. That it was too exclusive. The decision was made to combine the high risk, newly pregnant and infertility graduates all into one group. How this was considered a good idea I will never know as those newly pregnant had the first trimester board- I can understand how high risk and infertility could be combined as it seems the percentage of “infertile” pregnancies tend to be high risk. Ok.

Apparently though the IF’ers made (like it was on purpose) those who didn’t have a problem getting pregnant but also had high risk as though they couldn’t post. There are always those who will say hurtful things on purpose- things that diminish the journey of another to that person.

See there is a difference between the two.

There are of course the every day troubles of being infertile in a fertile world. Everywhere one goes, where one looks there is that reminder of what they want so badly. Dealing with co-workers, employees, and family who seem to have easy fertility- especially when they don’t make smart decisions in the rest of their lives (which if you read my blog for any amount of time would know I have personal experience with).

We most certainly cannot share these feelings out in the “public”.

Now, since this is getting long and I don’t believe I need to continue on this particular descriptive path lets us fast forward a few years. One of our group had a failed IVF. That in and of itself is so difficult to deal with but her journey to just GET to IVF was very difficult as well-dealing with situations that were really out of her control. Those of us in the group KNOW what those circumstances were and provided her a sympathetic ear and comfy shoulder many a time- the same as she has provided for each of us during our darkest moments.

She vented and in the totally appropriate space.

Then lurkers came out again. Offended, they went to their own groups and brought the drama. This seems to always happen.

Pain Olympics.

Telling her that she was TOO angry and she should be thinking of them/others while she vented. That it was no wonder no one liked us. When I joined the conversation it was while (like I said previously) it was located on our private (supposedly) forum. Yes, then came into our living room so to speak and told us how it should be.

Making it about them rather than about providing support for one who was so obviously hurting.

Things came out that make me extremely wary of getting anymore involved in the website in question. Apparently our presence is resented. Again, we are the ones in the wrong. Again, we are the ones who need to watch what we say because it is “their” site and we are merely tolerated. There are those who apparently at the time of the migration were opposed to us being there.

See what I mean about not knowing where to go?

No matter that with the rest of the site most of us are productive members (I say most because there are those like me who do not venture outside the infertility aspect of it- because I know what I can handle). It has once again become about the lurkers feeling validated in their own journey WAS rather than providing the support for one who is so obviously hurting.

It is so frustrating! So much so in fact that the last few sections that I’ve written don’t really seem coherent.

I am sure though that most of you understand. Those dealing with infertility should have that space where they can say what they REALLY feel without worry. I mean, we all have blogs but that doesn’t always provide the same kind of comradeship as a forum is wont to provide.

I don’t understand why people can’t get it into their heads that the pain is different.

It is different when you are on the motherhood side and there is one still trying- after YEARS.

It is different when a couple has invested their life saving with ART’s and failed than going through something like clomid for a couple of cycles.

It is different when one has lost a pregnancy and one has never been pregnant.

The pain is different when one goes through infertility and ends up with a take home baby than those who suffer still-birth/infant loss.

Does it make any other journey’s less? No.

I am going to say it again: when a person is venting it doesn’t matter what they write! Its the pain- the motivation behind the words that need that ear, need that word of support. The person who is offended by what is said should walk away (well click away)if they cannot get past the words to offer support. They most certainly should not lecture or preach at the one already hurting because of their own personal reaction.

Things said like “you are too angry” or “you need to go to therapy” or “you need a more concrete support group” absolutely do not help and only add fuel to the fire.

And telling an entire group of people that “..this is why no one likes you” or things along that line is fruitless. Not being “liked” by those who have no business in a private space and come out of the woodwork to fuel drama when they can’t offer a word of support at any other time- is a the bottom of the care list.


It’s the same argument- over and over again.

What are we supposed to do? Find another forum? Again?

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