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In a Wierd Place

April 17, 2009

Today I am still feeling off. I don’t know if its med related or if it really is just me.

Either option is possible, but then again both options are probable.

A year and a half into this particular journey we were faced with a choice. Where we were located our insurance didn’t cover anything infertility related except diagnosis.  Great, right? “Yeah, the reasons are X, Y, and Z but there is nothing we can do about it. My doctor at the time (love him!! I still call him if my doctors here are doing something shady- I haven’t had to lately cause my new doctor here is wonderful) did basic fertility testing for me and things came up as normal.

This choice was to pay for further testing (which on one income wasn’t entirely possible) or to leave things as we were- continuing to try with as many alternative methods (supplements, timing patterns, etc etc).  Our choice (which is some where in the archives of this blog) was to not test any more.  It didn’t mean that we didn’t want a child, or that we weren’t really trying. Our issue (that was a difficult one to resolve) ended up being the blame game.

We love each other. We got married with the full intent of beginning our family together.

We eventually came to the conclusion that if there were no way to get assistance from the insurance company then we didn’t want to have one issue that would allow for blame: male factor, broken ovaries, etc.

We eventually agreed that we would be enough for each other no matter if we add to our family or not.  It sounds odd, I admit, that we had to come to this conclusion but understand that we married fulling intending to share our love with children. It was an adjustment when that became improbable

Now we are here. Now I have a GYN who is there getting the tests done and working with us and meds.  Now the situation has changed and he isn’t here for me to talk to about this abrupt change in my mentality.

See, in the interest of being completely honest, I feel like now I am to blame.  I sit here taking my progesterone and waiting for my period to withdrawal bleeding to begin. All that to start with the same protocol that failed me once already. I have no faith that it will work this time because (as I have said before) our history consistently puts us in the unfortunate minority.  For some I understand that they hold on to the faith that if they try long enough eventually the odds will have to be in their favor.  I admire that faith but do not hold it.  I do not know how my friend went 13 years with more than her fair share of miscarriages and still held onto that faith.

This year- in six and half months or so- it is going to be five years on this road. I have friends who got married after we did, prevented, and are now on their third pregnancy in that space of time. One friends little boy- who I have known since the day he was born- is going to start school this year.

Maybe I am just throwing myself a pity party.

I am also wondering if I really want to know what his S/A will reveal. I’m scared that should it not be good news that I will hit the bottom of the proverbial barrel.

/sigh

Can I jump onto a smaller rollercoaster please?

Oh and I just found out that an old friend is pregnant with her 8th. She is due (to the day) the same as we might have been if this cycle hadn’t busted from the beginning- not giving even the slimmest chance.

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. April 17, 2009 9:47 pm

    The blame game is interesting. One time early on in our journey, I was talking with MIL about our testing. I was told I probably have PCOS. But then The Man also has abnormally low morph. He has really high count so maybe it counteracts it but the RE was still “concerned” about it. So I was telling MIL about this and she basically told me she didn’t really think it was The Man. I just stared at her. Without realizing it she had put the “blame” for our IF squarely on me – even though my “diagnosis” was no more firm that his. As supportive and loving as my MIL is, and as much as I love her, I will never be able to forget that. :p

  2. April 20, 2009 2:37 pm

    The testing is scary, but having an adversary is better than just wondering what the heck is wrong with you – at least that’s how I feel. Although, come to think of it, they don’t really have 1 clear culprit for me, they have many!

    Any how, just wanted to encourage you – I hope you get entirely off the roller coaster soon.

    Big hugs,
    Polly

  3. April 21, 2009 4:37 pm

    i am going to be keeping track of your rollercoaster on here more. i’m leaving ff – or trying to – you know how that goes. i don’t see you there much anyway…so this will be better.

    i remembered what i couldn’t remember about your doc – but i will keep it to myself since you seem happy with her.

    i am about ready to get off of the rollercoaster entirely. i would like to just walk around on solid ground again.

    xoxoxo

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