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What to do?

February 20, 2009

Note: New pics of Az are going to be posted at the bottom.  If you want a healthy dose of cutipie  then I would not mind in the least if you skip what I have to say.

My husband asked me yesterday if we could start trying to conceive again.  He went back to Jville to visit his family as well as to reprise his role in the second wedding for his friend.  His youngest brother is going to be a daddy (that would be Jaelyn’s daddy) and the Hubbs spent quite a bit of time with them.  Not to mention Azuriah’s influence on the decision.  Personally, this request has left me… unmoved.  I suppose that would be the correct way to say it.   It is actually a huge turn off for me when it comes to sex as well.  It makes my mind focus on the true purpose of the ac t (reproduction not pleasure) and it just reminds me of the failure that we’ve waded (drowned is probably a better description) through at this point.   It has been awhile since we’ve stopped-  17 months (but not that many cycles).

It itsn’t just the failure either, but rather the deep set feeling that we aren’t meant to be parents.  If we do get to be parents, I now have serious doubts about our ability to be good parents.  I guess I am most scared of more failure, especially after what happened last year with Asiana.   I am supposed to be going back to the doctor next week to get the results of my expanded hormone testing, looking at my three month charts (Im still in the second cycle so I don’t think that is going to tell her anything more than what I have already- but its alright.  These are the steps she wants to take and I suspect she’s trying to work around the restrictions of fertility based testing), as well as more results about my heart issues.

I think that I may ask about therapy while I am there. I have no idea if it is covered by insurance, though I wouldn’t be surprised if it wasn’t.

Ok.. enough of that:  Here is Az!!

Call Me

"Call Me"

Happy Smiles Smiles!
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2 Comments leave one →
  1. February 20, 2009 1:37 pm

    “the deep set feeling that we aren’t meant to be parents.”

    I honestly can’t imagine why you would say this. I know sooo many people who are not very good parents. Yet because they conceived they were “meant to be” and you’re not? Infertility is not a punishment.

    Its not a feeling of being punished… its a feeling of being looked over for a reason. A reason not in the past, but for what could possibly happen. I know that it isn’t a rational thought at all (especially considering the kinds of people you mention) but its still there. Anyway, thanks for posting! I haven’t heard from ya in a bit

  2. February 20, 2009 2:55 pm

    I hope you can find the answers to your pondering. Good luck in whatever comes your way.

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