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Turning on the Light

January 23, 2009

I’ve done a whole blog of reflecting here and I have finally hit the bottom of the barrel. The underling issue of it all…

I know that wanting a child has to do with life plans, and biological urges.  I know that there are so many things I’d wanted to do with our child(ren): Watching them sleep, sharing the love of books, passing down the tenents of our faith, of going to the park/school- all the way through graduation, weddings, and grandbabies.

All of that isn’t something that is realistic at this point in time.  In all of those things the underlining issue is this:

When I die- will there be anyone there to pass on my story?  I never had grandiose plans of having the world remember me for any particular talent or contribution I’ve made, but I have always been conscious of recording things in my life just so that I could hand it down to my children and them to theirs.

Right now, I look at the family tree I’ve spent years putting together and I see nothing under my name.

And with my husband’s all I see is the end of his father’s name

I just don’t know how to handle that

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One Comment leave one →
  1. Erin permalink
    January 25, 2009 10:35 am

    My God… so well done. I am beside you. Nothing to pass on. An utter failure to our families. I have such a hard time dealing with this deep feeling of defeat. And the worse part: this feeling will never go away. The world keeps lapping me… passing me by. Stuck in quicksand. If I think about it too much, I’ll never get out of be in the morning.

    No advice. Just wanted to say I am with you. Totally.

    Love, E

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