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Ah Stink

January 4, 2009

Its funny how the new year starts off for us.  After an absolutely terrible December and end to last year, I thought for sure that I would be happy to see 2009.

Being completely honest I think that while I am very much looking forward to the birth of my niece, it is really bringing up all sorts of emotions.  I love my niece and I am worried about her condition and all that, but at the same time I am dreading being there.  I am actually dreading holding her- those first seconds where relief ends and self-pity pours over me. I didn’t think until today that self-pity would even be an issue in all this.  I mean, I am getting used to the pregnancy.  I am coping with it- staying as involved as I can without so much actual visual contact.  It’s better for me that way.  I guess its kind of like how my relationship with my dad works out: we have a great relationship when we talk over the phone on birthdays and holidays, but get me in physical proximity for a couple of consecutive days and he gets on my last nerve.

I know that all this isn’t exactly cohesive but it pretty much is a picture of how my mind is at this moment.  I am trying to work on my lace knitting but I am so distracted.  Its not that I am particularly thinking about it conciously, but I feel that its the source of my- I think the best word to use would be “aprehension”.

I know its crazy but thats where I am at

One Comment leave one →
  1. January 5, 2009 12:00 am

    I think it’s miraculous that you’re involved at all … even with the pregnancy complications and such. You are such a good auntie and I too would be anticipating the sigh of relief when the baby is safely here, but fearing the reality that will set in when you hold her for the first time and feel your loss. It’s very hard, but I think you’re doing the right thing. I pray for strength for you in this time.

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