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Everything and Nothing All At Once

November 20, 2008

I am truely sorry that it has taken so long to get back to this.  So many things happened and yet nothing resulted except a freshly broken heart.  I’m going to cut and paste entries from Loungeplace that I posted so that you all can read what has happened during the time of the previous three posts:  

29 Oct 2008

Hey ladies! 

I know that its been awhile since I’ve posted here but there is so much going on right now that I am literally about to burst. I don’t know how many have seen my blog but here’s whats goin on

Yesterday was a crazy day for us. I found out from my mom that the house she rents is being sold by the owner so they have to move. They are waiting for approval for a house they bid on and that is kind of stressful because my sister in law’s baby shower is coming up in about a month. Found out that my BIL (the youngest brother of my husband) not only has a court date on Thursday but also found out yesterday that he is goin to be a daddy– his girlfriend is due in June 09. He is only just 18 and she is 17.

My Husbands best friend died in an auto accident. It was raining and he tried to brake to avoid another accident but ended up sliding into that wreck.

His funeral is this weekend, my husband is torn up and will be leaving tomorrow to be there until Monday afternoon. 

Here is where my stress is coming from: As sad as we are about losing him, we found out that he named us as guardians for his daughter. The mother is a wreck: shes been in drug rehab for a couple of months, before that she spent two and a half years in jail for drug possession. The little girl does not see her and our friend was in the process of gaining sole custody. She has a lawyer. Wayne, the grandfather, and his daughter are on our side so much so that they are the ones that have paid for my DH to go there and any expenses attributed to whatever happens. 

No one knows if the lawyer is there to contest the guardianship, approve of it, or the relinquish rights outright. The meeting will be on Friday of this week and all paperwork will be completed on Monday morning. 

Her name is Asiana and she is a beautiful 4 year old— and this whole situation has my hopes so much higher than any other aspect of the journey. We all know how far the fall is and how much it will hurt.

So I need good thoughts, prayers, or whatever you personally subscribe to because I want it to be Friday already so that I know one way or the other if I’ll be picking up two people from the airport on Monday


 30 Oct 2008

This is the absolute WORST waiting that I’ve had in four years of TTC

I want it to be tomorrow already! I want to know if Asiana is coming home with my Hubby. 

He left this morning to head out there- and he said to me “Make sure you keep your phone on”– like I wasn’t going to have it attached to me!

I can feel the hope building in my heart- even though my head is very much focused on the reasons why this might not happen.


31 Oct 2008


Bit of an update on Asiana. 

This morning she was as good as ours. The DH even spent most of the day with her and absolutely fell in love. 

Her mother was deemed incapable of caring for her (she showed up to the meeting with the judge HIGH! Who the heck does that?!). 

The third guardian is a single guy in a new relationship and pretty long hours so he deferred to us. 

Her Grandpa, Wayne, was already for us. 

however, no one even thought about the Grandmother since EJ (our friend who passed) wanted nothing to do with her over the last few years. So the Grandmother showed up with a lawyer and with rank. Her husband is a Lt. Colonel and just recently deployed. Which means they have more income than we do. So now we are back into not knowing, but more invested than we were yesterday. 

I am trying to stay positive but i must admit that at this moment its not working so hot. We aren’t totally out though and more meetings tomorrow so back to wait- and see.


02 Nov 2008

well… we didn’t get her because of a technicality with signatures and such. 

I thought I would let you all know and thank you all for the great thoughts. 

Asiana will be going to Germany with her grandmother.

I am pretty low though–


03 Nov 2008

I’m low– I feel like no matter what– we won’t be parents. It doesn’t matter how much we want it, how much we pray for it, how much we trust that there may be someone out there who thinks us as qualified- it won’t happen. 

The DH comes home today- Im not entirely sure yet just how much he’s affected. I do know that Asiana called him yesterday and he brought her to the County fair and he won her a couple of stuffies. From what he said she had a blast. I know him though– 12 years I’ve known this man and I know that he’ll hold it all in until he gets home. Im expecting it and trying to prepare myself emotionally for it. It is difficult though because Im kinda lost with it all as well. 

I mean- she was ours for a little while and in that little while we both fell in absolute love with her- so this is really like grabbing our hearts- hearts broken from years of IF, with big ugly scars- and throwing it on the ground. Give it a good stomp for extra measure. 

She doesn’t know her grandmother. EJ and his mom didn’t have a great relationship at all and I can’t help but worry that Asiana will be so confused. I mean, she’s lost her daddy, lost us (Wayne was confident that there wouldn’t be any issues), and is being taken to a foreign country and a culture she is in no way familiar with. I doubt the Grandmother will keep us updated on her. 

It has been a year since we stopped trying but we haven’t stopped hoping. This whole situation was sad because we lost a friend, but the ray of sunshine was Asiana. Life is cruel.

Today it is a bit over a year but the time frame of all this was right on that year mark.  I’m honestly still reeling a bit from all that happened.  I don’t even have the words that will explain more than what I have already written.  My husband tried to make the entire situation seem minor when he got back home.  I suppose it is his way of dealing.  My way of dealing is to just not do anything.  I don’t feel like it and so I don’t.  It doesn’t really help much but at least I feel like responsibility can’t touch me for a few days.  I’ve spent the time in yarn and the Hubbs (God bless his soul) has even taken an interest in crocheting so everyday we have a teaching session.  He hasn’t quite gotten past single crochet though he has nailed the chain!

My parents did find another house to rent since my family didn’t step up and help my dad out so that he could buy the house he had applied for to buy.   That really ticked me off since my dad has always been there for anyone in the family who needed him: money, lodging, time, effort.  All he needed from them was to borrow some money so that he could fulfill the last requirement for the house: which was to maintain a balance of 4400 in their checking account for two months.  It isn’t that hard to do for most but my parents live on a limited budget since they are both legally disabled.  All the fam had to do was let him hold it for two months and they would get the full amount back at the end of it.   it really pissed me off and disgusted me at the same time.  Would you believe that this same family who would help them out had the NERVE to complain that they moved to the opposite side of town– away from them and their neediness. 

My brother in law- the one who got arrested for being stupid- is lucky.  Two of the felony charges were dropped and the third was dropped from a felony to a misdemenor.  Good for him.  He finished his GED program so now he’s done with High School.  He’s gonna have to find a job of some sort to support this baby he’s made.  I haven’t talked to him in a bit and I think he just may be getting a phone call from me today or tomorrow. 

My sister-in-law’s baby shower is this weekend.  For all the soul searching i have done and the berating of myself that has happened because I feel guilty about my feelings was all for naught.  We can’t go anyway.  I must say that I am a bit relieved and upset about it all at the same time.  Relieved because I won’t have to pretend to be 100% excited, I don’t have to play stupid games or deal with the women of my family telling me that we’ll get pregnant because it always happens after a baby shower.  Like somehow her preggy-ness will rub off on me and the Hubbs.  It is such a stupid notion and yet I still wish that there was some truth to it. I am upset that i can’t go because it is my first blood niece (we have a niece on my husband’s side of the family) and I worked so hard for those invites, thinking up the theme, finding what stores had a supply etc from here. 

The reason why we can’t go is because my husband’s leave was cancelled.  If it had not been then I would be home in Lubbock and not here in El Paso at this moment.  The reason for the cancellation you may be asking?  Well, he is on the standby list.  What list?  The list for deployment.  We haven’t heard anything in the last week about it but its the Army– they aren’t exactly known for being convient about providing information.   So I might be stuck here in la la land all by my lonesome with my three doggies for God only knows how long.  Life— its such a ride.  I’d like to jump off the one Im on though and onto a smoother one.

My birthday is in four days.  Our 4th Anniversary is in six days.  Four years of being childless marks the day as well.  Looking back on the four years is not pretty though this last year I have made efforts to reach a point where I can deal.  Im not at that point to say the very least but I can say that I am closer than I was last year.  I can also say that I am not as close as I was back in September.  Decline. That’s the word that would best describe how this journey is moving along the last few months. 

This is way to long as it is so I am just gonna end things here.

7 Comments leave one →
  1. geohde permalink
    November 21, 2008 2:54 am

    Hon, I am so sorry. That’s a lot to deal with.


  2. Coach Louise permalink
    November 21, 2008 9:47 am

    my healing and loving thoughts are with you.

  3. November 23, 2008 11:16 pm

    So much to deal with sweets. Nothing but love and support on this end. I’ll be thinking of you.

  4. November 26, 2008 4:40 pm

    Wow, I had no idea what you were dealing with. Now your absence really makes sense.

    I bet your heart just aches for Asiana (sp?) and her new “situation” I think it’s crazy that grandma did that. That’s just wrong. She’s sunsetting and in a foreign country and you’re here with the rest of her family and in the prime of your childbearing years. It bothers me that the courts would do that … what’s ganna happen in 10 years when grandma needs to be taken care of?

    I’m so sorry for your failed “adoption” … which is kind of what it was. On top of all you’ve been through … just so painful.

    I’m so sorry. And thank you for sharing.

    How are your holidays going? They ahve to be rough?


  5. November 27, 2008 11:13 am

    Happy Thanksgiving, friend.
    Wishing you peace.


  6. November 30, 2008 7:25 pm

    Happy belated birthday. Happy belated anniversary. And so sorry about the suck-o-versary. Lots of luv honey.

  7. December 2, 2008 3:47 pm

    Just thinking about you… praying and hoping. It is a lot to deal with… don’t deal with it alone. Many hugs… Beth

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