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Floundering

September 24, 2008

Im sure some of you ladies out there have realized that I have not shown my self in our chatting groups over on LoungePlace.

I tried– I really did– to get involved in the other groups but for some reason none of it clicked with me. Even in the Child-Less/Child Free board.  I tried in the books (and I check there quite frequently but it doesn’t seem as though very many others do).   I tried to keep up with you ladies who have moved on but I can’t handle that.  I thought I could– but I can’t.  I don’t like the feelings that come up with it- and joy, happiness, celebration aren’t really on that list either.  I skim through the title page but don’t actually click on posts anymore.

The same can be said for you ladies on Conception Obsession.

I know it is all me though.  It is absolutely not any of you and I don’t want any of you (those who actually still read me- seems I’ve pushed the majority of you away without realizing it) to feel guilty in your joy.

I am not okay with being childless, but there isn’t anything I can do to change that status.  I am also not happy about feeling like I don’t have any other common ground with you wonderful women I have come to know while dealing with these things.  I would love to be able to read about your little ones and share in the joy that they give you- but Im selfish and all I can see is what I don’t have- nor will likely have any time in the near or far future.  The same can be said for those of you who have moved on, that are taking the time to enjoy life without children.  I am not there- and I don’t want to be.  I don’t want to live without children though it could very well be our reality.  Deal with it- I’m going to have to– accepting it though- it is not something that my heart will do.

I don’t know how this is going to go.  How these thoughts are going to be.  I do know that they get more consistant and are more at the front of my mind instead of some little box in the farthest reaches of my head- the closer- the more pregnant my sister-in-law (Lets call her “April” since that is the month she and my brother met- and it will save me from writing out sister-in-law and having to remember WHICH one I am talkin about) gets.  With April’s baby shower coming up, heck, with her being pregnant the family questions start.  Even she has made the statement more than once that this little one needs a cousin.  Another one of my cousins asked my mom why we weren’t pregnant yet and when she heard that it was taking a bit longer than expected she actually came to me and said that after April’s shower I was sure to get knocked up.  In case you are wondering the answer is- No, there is nothing too personal in my family.  Sex is a normal part of conversation, its the way it has always been.  No one on that side of the family has issues with gettin pregnant. By that I am not even exaggerating.  It is absolutely a foreign notion that anyone would have trouble conceiving.  Less than three kids is even an anomaly.  Heck, on that side of the family Im an old maid.  The farther along April gets I see how excited my parents are- their frist grandchild.  Im selfish, and I wanted to give that to them and now that opportunity is gone.  That was one of the issues that I didn’t have to deal with before because I (for whatever reason) just didn’t think about my siblings have kids.  I stupidly assumed or maybe hoped that we’d be the first and then it would be the ‘go-head’ for the rest of them.

Aside from my yarnie site, I sit in front of the computer- wondering if I can find another outlet.  I tried some communities centered around Fibromyalgia/CFS but that didn’t really work out.  I don’t like dwelling more than I have to on this condition.  I mean, my body reminds me every time I turn around that it is screwed up.  It reminds me when I try to fold laundry, do dishes, make the bed– heck sometimes even brushing my teeth and hair.  I don’t want to complain about it though.  I find it funny and just a little bit ironic that I am perfectly capable of sharing about infertility and not fibro.  I think it has to do with my father’s wife and years of seeing her complain about her imaginary illnesses.  I don’t ever want to be like her, even if mine isn’t just in my head.

I’m waiting on the word from my friends that C has given birth to baby Chloe.  I know she had another doctor’s appointment today which is 41wks.  The doctors are not going to be inducing labor or scheduling a C-Section unless it gets to be unreasonable.  They are letting C have this time with Chloe since her condition has a fatal prognosis after birth.  C told me that they are rather surprised that Chloe has made it through a full 40 week gestation- no “fetal demise”. She is strong and apparently rather active.

So with my time I’ve been growing my yarn stash in prep for the holidays.  Actually, I think I pretty much have everything I need as far as the yarn goes and it just comes down to actually getting things finished. I have started a shawl for April for her birthday (and if worse comes to worse I can always make it a Christmas present) that is coming along at a good rate.  That has kind of been put on the back burner for a bit since another friend of mine, Jae, is swappin goods with me.  I am making a dress, booties and a blanket for her niece (due early Nov–in yellow/lavender) in exchange for her beautiful hand-crafted baby shower invites for my sister-in-law’s baby shower.    I’ll get some pictures posted here in a bit as I go along with it.

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5 Comments leave one →
  1. September 24, 2008 1:55 pm

    I find myself in that same floundering sometimes. I think after so long we all seem to develop our own unique brand of pain and don’t really know how to share it as well anymore. That’s my theory anyway.

  2. geohde permalink
    September 25, 2008 5:38 am

    I am sorry you are stuck in this unwanted child-free situation. It is olay not to be okay with it, if you get what I mean.

    I get why you don’t want to rub it in by reading about the pregnancies of others.

    A virtual hug?

    J

  3. September 26, 2008 3:43 pm

    I feels ya. I can’t hang with the pg’ers either. ((HUGS))

  4. September 27, 2008 6:55 am

    Hello, I just wanted to chime in and let you know I understand how you feel. I am not willing to accept life without children and can’t bring myself to turn that corner where I need to start facing it may be a reality.

    I often think my stubbornness and refusal to accept is going to be enough to get me to that elusive place…parenthood.
    Deep down I know sheer persistence is not enough.

  5. texicaligirl permalink
    October 2, 2008 1:59 am

    well, i miss you. i wish there were more like you on CO. i get so frustrated with some of the girls on there.

    and i’m still…well…you know…on the ttc side of the world. taking our last shot at being parents. the final frontier, so to speak.

    anywho – miss you.

    xoxoxo

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