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On the Outside

September 5, 2008

Its has been awhile and that,the title, is the reason.

I feel like I am on the outside of life– everything operates independent of me and there isn’t anything I can do about it.

Thanks to those who check in with me here to see how my life is going.

I’ll start out with some good news (for me anyway).  Today I went to my Local Yarn Shop because she posted on Ravelry that she was having a 50% off sale on some yarn .  So I went and got six skeins of lace weight yarn and three skins of a wool blend to make the Hubbs some hats for his early morning fall PT session for work– and I only paid 30 bucks.  Those of you who are yarnies know that is pretty awesome.

More good news: I have started acupuncture to help manage the pain of fibro and CFS. (Someone remind me to explain more about these illnesses– i’ve had emailed questions about it and I really mean to do it but I forget). The interesting thing is though is that it isn’t traditional acupuncture.  What I am doing (well my doc not me–but you all know what I mean) is called Ear Stimulation. Right now I am in my third week (but not really because I had to skip this week b/c the doc was fully booked).  The plan is that I go for new placement points once a week and I am give a little magent to stim the point that correlates to the part of me that is hurting.  I do this for about six weeks then I  switch to once every other week for about three or four months and then we re-evaluate. I like it so far- until the stud falls out- thats the only downside cause they last just about a week.  Another plus is that I have finally been perscribed a pain killer for those times when my regular meds and the ear stims don’t work (like now).

As far as my cousin goes… im still very upset about it when I end up thinking about it… but I’ve compartmentalized it (at least I hope I have).  I haven’t spoken to her and pretty much severed any avenue of communication.  I know where to find her if I change my mind.  I did determine though that the biggest and most relevant feeling wasn’t hate (although if I am being completely honest- and this is my blog so I should be- that is pretty high up on the list) but rather disappointment.  I think. I really haven’t sorted through it all quite yet.. mainly because I wanted to not think about it overly much during my brother’s wedding.

Ahh, my brother’s wedding.  It was crazy just trying to get there.  Let me explain.   Here in the middle of nowhere it takes a bit of a drive to get anywhere that isn’t here.  The hubbs put in paper work for a milage pass (because if he isn’t within 250 miles of the post and gets in trouble– it could get really bad).  We originally thought (because he had been told) they would have off Thursday and Friday (with the four day weekend) so our inital plan was to drive Wednesday night so that I would be there to help Momma and my Dad get the house ready.  Someone then informed whomever that Labor Day was actually Monday so the days were changed to Friday and Monday for the four day.  So I call my mom to let her know what is going on and figure all is good because I’d still have friday to help.  So the hubbs goes in to check on his pass (took forever to get it signed–UGH) and finds out that they again changed it to Monday and Tuesday. ERGHHHHH(X’s 100.000.000).  On Tuesday AM it went back to Friday Monday and on Wednesday it went back to Monday Tuesday.  WHAT A HEADACHE!  I was trying not to stress out but really– how could I not?!  Stress is a major no-no for me.  It triggers my Fibro as well as my CFS (more so than the fibro).  That is one of the reasons why I can’t work outside the home.  Technically I am supposed to only plan a maximum of two extra tasks a day.  Anyway, because of all this I did actually start to flare and that involved shaking, headache, fatigue, etc on Thursday so I just didn’t do anything.   (I’ll have to get more into that when I type about the neurologist appointment I had a couple days ago).  Friday we thought he would get out at noon, then three, then he actually got out at 4:30.  We left here at 6 and got into Lubbock around midnight.   I missed my brother’s bachelor/ette (they had a joint one) party and that made me really sad.  I was worn out though so I probably wouldn’t have been the greatest attendee.  Saturday was CRAZY (involving waiting for quite the number of people who didn’t show up to help even though they CALLED and said they were on their way).  I had to calm my brother down a bit– he was nervous (which is understandable) but his irritation level was rising.

As a side note: It was kind of surreal.  Calming him down, reminding him that the rest of the stuff that wasn’t done in the house wasn’t changing anything about why we were there.  I almost cried when I saw my brother standing there with the JOP and I saw his face when my SIL came into view- being walked down with her father (the wedding was in a gazbo at the park- very nice though the mosquito’s weren’t).  The tears rolled down his face and he was so *happy*!  It was a happy time.

Of course though I got the questions and the statements about how we need to get on the ball because my neice/nephew is gonna need a cousin. I am sure that I am not going to have to re-hash that because many of you who read this know the questions I am talkin about – Infertile or not.  Two of my baby cousins had a birthday party on Sunday- one turned one and the other turned two and again that was all about asking about kids.   I guess that was kind of where I started getting the feeling of just being an observer on everyone else’s life because I don’t feel I contribute anything worth anything to it.

Sunday we also started planning the baby shower. I really just put my heart away for that and plowed through dates.  I put my heart away and life just pulled it back out.  The only weekend where everyone she wanted to invite would be able to attend was 22 November.

That is the Saturday before Thanksgiving Thursday.

The Saturday before our 4th Anniversary Wednesday (as well as year 4 of being without a child–its great right– but wait for it…)

Its the Saturday before the Monday of my 26th birthday.

Man… I can’t finish this.  I’ll have to come back to it later.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. September 6, 2008 9:42 am

    Just reading all that stressed me out.
    I hope you can cope well with it all. *hugs*

  2. Damiane permalink
    September 7, 2008 10:17 am

    I got yoru blog link through a blog of a blog of a blog…got that? LOL. Anyway, I too dealt with the same infertility factors (for 5 yrs) so I know just what you mean by living on the outside of your life and those around you. If you ever need a shoulder to vent to, please email me at

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