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Still Reeling

August 18, 2008

First, thank you to all you ladies who have shown love in my previous post.  I’m sorry it has taken me so long to say/write it but I just wanted to let you all know that I really appreciate it.

Since my last post it seems that every where I look there is something about abortion.  It’s just reminder after reminder.  My grandmother also called and we got around to how she found out about my cousin.  A little background on that– when my cousin announced her pregnancy joy isn’t exactly the first reaction of many in our family (in fact I would say most were concerned because of her record of dropping things she loses interest in or when things get too difficult).  Almost immediately many in the family were throwing back and forth suggestions of whom would take in the child and a lot of names were tossed around- except ours.  I blogged about it because it made me feel as though we weren’t good enough (great thing to add on to already feeling like a failure in the family building dept).  I didn’t tell her how much it hurt, maybe I should have now that I am looking back on it cause then maybe she wouldn’t have told me what she did: “I called to suggest you and [insert Hubbs name] and thats when they told me”.  Yeah, rip open a barely concealed wound while at the same time inflicting another.

I love her- my grandma.  She is really the most important person in my life  and I would do anything she needed me  to do should she ask, but sometimes those closest to us have the most power to hurt us.   I wept when she first told me about what my cousin did because it really is the closest that abortion has gotten to me and the shock of it was really very overwhelming.  I mean I am very much pro-life which is very easy when its from a distance- as I assume it is the same on the flip-side of the coin.  When it slaps you in the face though- for such a frivolous reason- it most assuredly  puts me more solidly into the position.  I suppose that is odd since my mother had gotten an abortion before my brother was born-twins.  She told me (and I assume my brothers and sisters at the same point in their lives) the summer after I graduated from High School. It shocked me really but I saw the pain in her when she did tell me.  It kind of explains why she tells us “Happy Conception Day” (yes, its rather embarrassing) when that time of year rolls around and it explains many things that were kind of odd while we were growing up.  Every time any of us played a good game, made a good grade, accomplished something or just went through life-stages she would kind of be a little bit sad.  She explained these to me as bittersweet moments- moments that she wonders what they would have been like- if they would be doing the same things, etc.  Finding this out made me also start to wonder what they might have been like. I’m glad she told me though.

It didn’t hurt like this hurt. When my mom told me I was still fresh and naive. Physically, my mom got pregnant again..just three months after with my oldest brother and after that four more.  Now, my eyes are open and I’ve been going through this crazy hard road of trying to give up the dream.  I’ve been through almost four years of temping, timing, charting, doctors, tests– and here she comes, my cousin, trying for less than a full cycle and she gets pregnant then changes her mind with no thought (seemingly, based on past experience and what has been told to me) outside of “Oh, nevermind”.  It made me mad because she knew that there was an alternative- someone in the family would take care of the child. We’ve (as a family) have done it before. With what my Grandma told me the second phone call- it was like another, more personal loss. I can’t even expand on that particular line of thought and I am sure that the majority of you will understand why.

I don’t know what I have to do for some peace.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. August 18, 2008 4:02 pm

    I don’t even know what to say.*hugs*
    I too, hope you find peace.

  2. August 19, 2008 6:21 am

    I can’t imagine that kind of pain, honestly. I’m sorry you are experiencing this situation and pray you can let go to find some peace for yourself.

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