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I Need Help

May 13, 2008

Ok… I recently (ok not recently..but a couple of months ago) wrote about one of my very best friends who is pregnant but the baby has been diagnosed with Anencephaly.

So here’s where I need help.  She found out last week that the baby is a girl.  She still on target with everything (the exception being the condition– things still look as though the doctors have provided the correct diagnosis).

I want to make her something for the baby because I don’t want to ignore the pregnancy BUT the chances of the baby living through to due date is slim, the chances of her tolerating birth are slimmer, and surviving for more than a few days outside of the womb are even slimmer than those two.

Its not a matter of money– but sensitivity.  Where is the line?  Should I make her something for the baby mainly?  Should I make it for her?  Should i even make something but rather get a gift card or something (im not too keen on that since it seems so impersonal)?


I just don’t know what would be appropriate.


Help me please if you have a suggestion!

18 Comments leave one →
  1. May 13, 2008 1:30 pm

    I think I would definitely give her something. You’re right – a gift card would be too impersonal. If it were me, I would like something I could keep as a keepsake.

  2. May 13, 2008 1:36 pm

    I agree, too, that it would be nice. What to make, however, that’s a tough one. I had a friend who lost a baby due to a heart defect. She had difficulty with baby gifts she’d already received. Another friend suffered a m/c while I was making her a blanket she knew about and she asked me specifically not to give her the blanket.

    Some kind of keepsake would be nice or something for her. Maybe a nice throw that could be used as a large baby blanket if they have a miracle, which shows that you believe in miracles, but something that isn’t an obvious baby item that could be used to comfort your friend when she needs it, sort of like your way of wrapping your arms around her.

  3. 1120kat permalink
    May 13, 2008 1:46 pm

    I agree with Lizzy….something like that or a Prayer Shawl…as you think of her and her baby, then she could wrap her baby in it if she survives, or could wrap herself in it as she mourns, as if you were there hugging her.

    What a difficult point of life…I’m so sorry for your friend, and I love that you’re doing something for her

  4. Erin permalink
    May 13, 2008 1:58 pm

    I agree with the previous posts…

    I would make her something that could be a keepsake. Whether her little one survives or not… I think she would like something to remind her of what a wonderful gift that little baby was/is.

  5. May 13, 2008 2:07 pm

    I agree with PP. Maybe a blanket, or a charm of some sort. Wish I had some good suggestions.

  6. gbbgrandma permalink
    May 13, 2008 9:34 pm

    I lost my daughter when she was 20 and I buried her baby blanket with her. If the baby doesn’t survive, a beautiful blanket could be used for burial. I’m just talking from a mom’s point of view, but rgw loss of a child is totally different for everyone.

  7. May 13, 2008 10:58 pm

    There are a few patterns (both crochet and knit) for baby burial blankets. I know it sounds strange and sad … but perhaps the thought of burying (or even cremating, whatever they decide) their child with something made by you would bring them some comfort.

    I also like the idea of a charm. My SIL (who just recently loss her 4 mo old premie son) and her Hubby also bought matching bracelets to remember their son by.

    Just thoughts …

  8. geohde permalink
    May 14, 2008 1:25 am

    Had I gone to term with my pregnancy with anencephaly, I think I would have just wanted to know my friends were there. Something for the baby would have been too bittersweet.

    But it’s very individual,


  9. Nicole permalink
    May 14, 2008 11:34 am

    my son had anencephaly & things like picture frames were nice, stuffed animals, jewelry with my sons name I cherish!

  10. May 14, 2008 3:02 pm

    Do you know when the baby will be born? A charm or a pendant with a birthstone would be something she could wear always.

  11. May 14, 2008 4:07 pm

    What if you made two little matching hats? One for the baby and one for her to keep as a keepsake. Or something else in a pair.

  12. May 14, 2008 6:03 pm

    As others have said, this is very individual. Ask your friend. Tell her you are thinking of her, and want to make something that will be of comfort to her. Maybe offer her a few choices– a blanket for the baby. They can take pictures with it, and they can choose to bury her with it or to keep it as a keepsake. A birthstone pendant sounds lovely too. Several other ideas here. Maybe even a hand-decorated photo album. Some candles. The point, though, is that it should be of comfort to your friend, so gaging her reaction is most important. The surprise? Not so much.

  13. kalakly permalink
    May 14, 2008 6:26 pm

    Hi here from lost and found.
    When my son was stillborn the thing I most treasured was memorial keepsake jewelry. I have some links up on my blog for it if you want to take a look. Also, a care basket for the hospital might be a nice thing for her. There is a group “Now I lay me Down to Sleep”(you can find them on the web) that will arrange to have a photographer come (usually free) and take photos of the baby and the famliy, you could put a card in for them, some things to dress her in or small stuffed animals to be photgraphed with. You could also add a nice hand/footprint kit with nice cardstock so they can make cards with her feet/handprints.
    And lots of nice kleenex, hankies so they won’t have to use the icky hospital ones to wipe the tears.
    Your a good friendd to be so thoughtful. You’d be amazed at how insensitive people can be when a tragedy like this happens.

  14. May 14, 2008 6:53 pm

    Hey, here from FL/CA — I’m not exactly in the same boat as I didn’t know my child was going to die, but I really admire your wanting to do something for the baby, and wanting to do it right. I actually love, love, love the above suggestion for making something in a pair; a pair of blankets, a pair of hats, a pair of booties.

    Also, you might want to tell her about Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, a volunteer organization of photographers who will photograph you and your baby free of charge. The pictures are incredibly good, and it’s nice that someone else is doing this so the family can spend all its time in front of the lens with the baby. I wish I knew about this organization, so I’m trying to let everyone else know. You could look up a photographer in your area and coordinate everything (with your friend’s permission, obviously), and maybe even donate money to them in the baby’s honor.

    Most of all, you can be there for her afterwards. Just to listen, or stay with her in silence, just to be. You’re so lovely to think of this. Best wishes to the both of you.

  15. May 15, 2008 9:44 am

    I have no clue. But I wanted you to know I think you’re a real sweetie for wanting to do something.

  16. Kim permalink
    May 17, 2008 4:47 pm

    Some great ideas have been shared here for keepsakes. I lost a baby at 23 weeks and I wish I had more to remember her by. We did have some pictures taken after I delivered her. I sent one of the pictures to an artist who did a beautiful drawing. It is realy nice to have this to display because she was born so early. The few things I have mean so much to me. I think your friend will really appreciate any type of keepsake and you are so nice to think of doing that for her. Also, there are some good websites out there for support, as I know she will need that after her loss. Best wishes!

  17. Beth permalink
    June 2, 2008 12:59 am has something called a Butterfly Bag that is great for someone who loses a baby. It has a cd in it as well as a dvd, butterfly pin to wear in honor of the baby, some other really neat stuff. Everything they do is from a Christian perspective.

  18. Cindy Nguyen permalink
    June 6, 2008 10:49 am

    how about a music box, with baby’s initials on it.

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