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I am not … (another thought vomit)

May 8, 2008

Yep, Mother’s Day is always a reminder of this.

Television commercial: Mom with the children (notice how it seems like its always younger children?), Hubs with the “gift from baby” (usually jewelry). Or how about the commercial of “mom’s knows best”.  I don’t get any of that– I am not a mother.

The corsages in church, given to women younger than myself through to that woman who is everyones “nana”. I walk with no corsage because I am not a mother.

I have planned and prepared for birth that I may very well never get to experience.  I have researched medical issues that will get filed away in my brain never to be used. I have dreamed and hoped. I have never been pregnant- I am not a mother.

 

I am a wanna be.  I have tried to be- but I’ve failed.  I have no hope of becoming a mother by any means (except naturally– which in way provides any kind of hope or expectation) in the next five to ten years.

My dogs are not children though they may have been gotten to subsitute- to fill a void- to give me something to care for.  I love my dogs and that will not change, but they are not children.  I am not their mother, I am their owner and their caretaker.  I can be replaced without much thought (though I wouldn’t give up my dogs for anything). 

 

The frist year we were married…Mother’s day came about six months into this journey.  The hubbs bought me a card because I would be the mother of his children– we still had the hope, we were still sure that this would happen for us.  That it would be the last year I would not be a mother. I cried because I was happy that this man who married me already saw me as the mother of his children and was so excited to be the father of my children.  Yet here we are.  Three years later– I am still not a mother and I cry over that.  Even the Hubbs doesn’t look at me in that way because– children may very well not be in our future. It really is quite painful to think of them at this point.  So now it is just a day we avoid.  We go no-where.  Our phone calls are quick- and not even made on the day.

I call my Grandmother and Mother the day before–wish them the very best as they celebrate the day with family.  I love them both so much that I would not have them think I miss the day by callin late.  My step-mother, well she can wait til after.   

I know some women take solace in the thought that they are mother’s of the heart.  I definatly think so of those women who’ve had to go through losing their children- early m/c, still-birth, unfortunate accidents at any point in life, illness- should very much be honored on this day.  Though not in the same way as mothers with living children.  Mother’s day for these women should be a day of support- in the way she needs the support and not by how others THINK she should be supported (if that makes any sense).

But for me, a woman who hasn’t conceived at all.. in any stage– I am not a mother.

I think (for me) that to think of myself as a mother without children just makes things that much worse.  Its like saying I am a lawyer because I wish it to be so, because I’ve gotten the schooling, invested the time, invested the money, stayed up late nights, but have taken the tests and failed them.  Just because I have all the experience that all other lawyers had before they became lawyers- I haven’t passed the tests.  So that would leave me as a wanna be.

Same with fertility.  I would love to be.  I have done all the things fertile have done for as long as humans have lived and died on this earth, without the same outcome.

So this is part of my mantra as Mother’s day comes.  I am not a mother, the day doesn’t apply to me just as foreign holidays do not apply to me and i go on with my day as normal. I don’t dwell on it or worry (yeah right– I wish– but this is my aim anyway).  While I know that won’t be totally true.. and that I still need to acknowledge the day for the sake of the women in my life- in my head I  need to get the point in there.  Dwelling on what I don’t have, or on how I think things should be or what I think I should be doesn’t change things.  It just makes me more upset.  It makes me less content .  I lose my peace.  I won’t think of “maybe next year”.  I’ll ignore the questions from family.  I’ll hide out in my living room- eating ferrero rocher and watching “non-mom” flicks from my own movie collection (the Rocky Series sounds good, or maybe even Lord of the Rings, or I could go through the first six seasons of Smallville).  No commercials, no families, no bellies.

I’ll make it through this year and figure out how to get on with my life.  Seriously, I am infertile.  That is what I am because I don’t just suffer from infertility.  Its in my life everyday, and has become apart of who I am.  Its a label that I can place in the “describe me” column, but its not only what I am.  Somehow I have to get over the dream and focus on something else.

I don’t know what that would be though. Some women throw themselves into their career- yet I don’t have one.  I don’t particularly want one either.  There isn’t anything I love enough to commit myself and our limited finances toward.  I keep house as well as I can between the hubbs’ lack of caring and my medical issues that tire me out pretty quickly.  I crochet– and don’t plan any baby projects for quite some time after im done with the ones Im on.  I am teaching myself to knit.  I hopefully will teach myself to quilt once we have some extra cash. I’ll help my man with what I can. What to do that will not have anything to do with the reproductive issue I no longer want to think about to focus on or mourn over.  It is what it is.  Nothing we can do about it now or in the near future.

Does it mean that things won’t bother me?  No.  I think I’ll still be sensitive to things, but that will be others bringing it to me and not bringing myself to it (if that makes sense). After this particular frame of subscription on fertilityfriend, I’ll not be subscribing again.   I’ll start there..and see where I end up.

 

enough babbling… Im goin to bed.

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. May 8, 2008 7:09 pm

    Hugs and kinship

  2. Pange permalink
    May 9, 2008 1:56 pm

    Oh boy. Do I get it. Early in our journey, we used to do cards to each other because one day we would be parents. Then we did cards for each other from the dog. Now it’s no cards at all. The less I’m reminded about what I don’t have, the healthier I’ll be mentally.

    {{{hugs}}}

  3. May 10, 2008 6:41 pm

    This is the first year Mother’s Day has been hard for me. What used to be so simple is now such a struggle.

  4. geohde permalink
    May 11, 2008 2:41 am

    Mothers day is rough,

    J

  5. May 11, 2008 1:44 pm

    I understand your pain
    I can feel the void this has created in your life.
    Know though that fertility does not extinguish or prevent this pain
    I was pregnant twice. My first baby died when the placenta tore loose early in the pregnancy and my baby was left with too little sustance to survive. My second pregnancy was full term and ended with my daughter dying 2 hours after her birth.
    Do not feel you have failed.
    The birth of a health child is the true miracle , unappreciated by many
    God Bless You.

    CJ

  6. May 10, 2009 8:29 pm

    WordPress connected your blog to mine because of our blog posts today. (I do have children now, so don’t go to my blog if you aren’t up to it)

    Your honesty is refreshing. Thank you for sharing your heart. I think you are experiencing one of the worst pains of life. You are in my prayers.

    -jess

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