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Nagging and Unwanted

March 14, 2008

So really should post more here.  Its not that I am uber busy or that I am angry (cause if you’ve read this blog more than just a couple of times you know that anger usually warrents a rather long posting).

Just that lately I don’t know what to say.  That is really very odd for me because I don’t normally have that problem, especially when it comes to writing my feelings.  More often than not (but not as of late) I can much better articulate myself with the written word.

As for the title of this post.  I am getting a bit frustrated with my mind.  Somewhere from the depths the whole baby issue is naggin its way to the fore front of my dreams.  Every night this week I’ve had some dream relating to pregnancy and childbirth.  I think it was tuesday night that I had two dreams back to back (one was rather disconcerting involving a very “Alien” kind of birthing experience).

It’s not to say that I don’t *want* to be pregnant because if that were the case then what the heck were the last three + years all about?  In pure honesty, I am working on healing and I think that I have been doing a pretty good job of it as of late.  I don’ think that it is entirely prudent to jump back into things while I am in this fraile state of mind- this place I’ve worked hard to be in and feel that I need more time in this space so that if we go back to TTC I can deal with things alot better than I did before.  I have no idea if that last sentence really made any sense.

Its not just been the dreams either– but just general things in life.  You know I accidently stepped on my therm the other day and broke it clean in half.  I felt sad about it even though I’ve only used it for about six days out of every cycle.  My infertility thread broke off of my right wrist and I felt almost naked without it.  A friend brought up an IVF study where they would pay for the procedure– and I honestly sincerely thought about it for a good few days.  Even now its there….making its way to the front of my mind.  Hubby is out in the field doing exercises so he won’t even be home for a few days so I can’t talk to him about it.  I am trying not to think about it since all probability would lean toward the program being full by the time we can sit down and have a good heart to heart about it.  

Maybe its just a hurdle thats part of healing? It has been six months since we stopped trying.  I would guess that after so long of being in a particular rut–sometimes a body must feel the need to go back to it “for old times sake”?  I just don’t know, but it certainly is leaving me a bit unsettled.

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. March 14, 2008 11:56 am

    I don’t have any answers or wisdom or insight. Just wanted to give you a (HUG).

  2. Lisa permalink
    March 14, 2008 11:14 pm

    As for the IF study, can you sign up and cancel once you have a chance to talk to DH? I’m sure they could easily fill your spot if you back out.

    GL!

  3. WaterBishop permalink
    March 16, 2008 7:45 pm

    I think this is a natural process. you must go back and forth, sometimes in actions, always in emotions. If you feel uncomfortable leaving the space you’re in now, then stay.
    And for the IF thread, I actually took mine off and threw it out when we stopped trying. I thought holding on to it would hamper my progress to get to my happier place.
    Good luck and hugs.

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