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Little Deaths and Big Ones too

March 8, 2008

This is my unsung lullabies post and this chapter is focused on dealing with the loss of baby and pregnancy.

 Who was to know that when I started this read-along that this chapter would roll around at this point in time?  Was my first attempt to read through this on my own delayed because God knew that it would benefit me more at this point in time?

It certainly is an interesting thought isn’t it?  I tried to start going through this book months ago but with the holidays and all–I didn’t think I could focus on it and work through it in a way that would really be effective.

I started again in January when Barb so kindly reminded me that I had once offered to walk the road with the other ladies in this wonderful reading group.

Just those couple of weeks in organizing made all the difference.  If we had come to this chapter just two or three weeks before now- I wouldn’t have been able to fully grasp the meaning and principles.  As far as the infertility goes I could have totally related to the pain of every failed cycle but the past couple of weeks have really opened up the grief aspect of things. 

Funny how all things relate isn’t it? 

For those of you who don’t know I’ve had quite the bit of bad news come to me over the last few weeks.  My brother-in-law passed suddenly–and still we wait for the official autopsy report even though hes been buried these two weeks.  The day I left to come back home I found that another friend had passed unexpectedly.  Just Thursday I got quite the load of bad news.  An old coach from my high school days passed of pancreatic cancer this week.  There was Nat’s sad sad news of course.  An old friend from home- come to find- was suffering silently from some personal issues and turned to cocaine. Which happened to be spiked with something else–so I found out (Thursday of course) that he is now in the Physch. ward undergoing treatment for his issues and the effects of the cocktail that he turned to as a get-away.

Each of these things–these separate events in addition to dealing with infertility–has wounded me.  I’ve invested parts of my life in the lives of these people and with infertility I have invested so much of my life as well. 

I never really realized quite how much until I had to deal with everything else.  Sudden death really is a blow but when you’ve already been living in a form of grief the blow doesn’t hurt *as badly* because we’ve been living with it for quite awhile.

Is that the right way to look at it?  I don’t know if it is or not, but the chapter did say that when it comes to grief there really is no wrong or right way to think–it’s what gets you through a bit worse for wear on the other side–but gets you through just the same.

The book said something about marking the grief–to distinguish it in someway.  Hubby and myself used to do this when we were trying actively.  Our thing was dinner somewhere nice and to do something fun.  Now…we aren’t trying but I think we still get that twinge every cycle because still…things just seem to pan that we feel the need to just get out and do something so unrelated to child-bearing.

With infertility…we spent a long time in denial and in anger but now we’ve moved into acceptance (and admittedly sometimes we slip back into anger). I remember so vividly those days of denial.  I think those really were the roughest, especially when it mingled with those days of trying to bargain with God.  There is no trying to negotiate with God or any other powers natural or super-natural anymore.  We definitely no longer deny this is a problem that we have so my goal of late is to try and stay in acceptance of our situation as much as possible while leaving room for anger should it come.

Other than that I don’t know what else to do.  I don’t think there is anything else I *can* do really.  Being true to who I am, what Im feeling as well as respecting my hubby’s own cycles of grief– those I think are the best ways for us.

One Comment leave one →
  1. March 9, 2008 9:32 am

    Lovely and true. Losing my Grandfather brought all the pain crashing in for me too.

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