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Reproductive Genesis

February 2, 2008

This week in Un.Sung Lullabies we are reading the second chapter.  Its about recognizing our personal stories.  The influence of parents, siblings, extended family in what our reproductive stories are.

As I tried to think of my own story, the influences I have had a lot of “AH HA” moments. 

You know what though- first thing before anything of my own I think of my husband and his story.

He was born in the Philippines to a poor woman and the son of a weathy man.  From what I know Hubby’s father wasn’ allowed to marry but insisted that his son have his name (and his daughter as well when she came).  His father committed sucide later on in life—Hubby was six years old.  This has such an impact on the rest of his life– even though his mother had male figures in his life–none of them were as Hubby wanted to be.  These men influenced him in the sense that he saw them as what he did not want to become or behave.  Before we decided to even get married Hubby told me about how he wanted children.

How he would be there for them, give them the father that he didn’t have himself.  That he would live beyond the age of 26 (last years birthday was *such* a big deal and unfortunately he was deployed so we couldn’t celebrate like we wanted).  Hes looking forward to being 30 in a few years.

It breaks my heart that these are things he’s not be able to do.  That I haven’t been able to give him any of those things.  It really does hurt me more that his dream is lost then my own story isn’t going as I thought it would go.
Anyway, as far as myself.  I can’t say that I was always about “playing mom” because as far back as I can remember I was a tomboy.  But I do remember a time, when I had moved out of my dad’s house back into my Grandmothers– I had to be four or five years old– when I had told her I loved her and wanted to be like her when I grew up.  A couple of years later–after visiting my dad somewhere–we were standing on the subway platform in Brooklyn…waiting on the G train to head into Greenpoint.  I looked at her and loved her so much in that moment that I remember telling her “I love you so much, I promise you’ll get to be a grandma to my kids”.

Yet another part of my heartbreak- I want to be able to give that to my Grandmother.  Give her grandchildren that she doesn’t have to raise, that she can spoil and send back to us.  To fulfill that part of her own reproductive story that she gave up to give me and my brother a more stable life than my father had the ability or desire to do.  She has never regretted her decision to take us on and I love her more than anyone in the world.

Back to me–

My story had  a plan for sure.  Married after I graduated from college (which I did–three months after I graduated I got married).  I wanted (as well as my husband) to start a family right away and have all of our biological children before I was thirty.  Why 30?  Well, the women in my family have a history of hysterectomy between agee 30 and 35 as a necessity.  Also at 30 I would be old enough to qualify for any country’s adoption program.

But—that is not the case.  Infertility has halted it all.  We dont’ have good chances of having children which isn’t something that fits into our plans of a big happy family.  Dealing with that pushes adoption back.  Yes, its always been part of the plan…but thats just it…

part of the plan— not the sole option.

There is so much to reflect on in this chapter.  So much that can’t possibly written in one post.  What I have written today is merely the genesis- the beginning of realizing how my plans formed, the people involved both negatively and positively.  I’ll probably blog more as I realize more but for now my main reveleation is this:

As of this moment, the greatest part of my pain has nothing to do with myself but rather the two people in my life I would give anything for.  These two people who have shown me more love than the combined love of everyone else in my life and a baby is something that I *should* be able to give them–to give them the oppertunity to fulfill their stories and I can’t.  Even typing that brings the tears to my eyes.  More so then my own dreams of watchin my kids in dance class or playing sports.  Of watching them as they sleep, as they learn and discover the world and who they are.  Of seeing my husband’s beautifully shaped eyes in their faces. Aspects of ourselves in them.  Of investing ourselves in their lives and giving them the tools to be successful.  Of having our own grandchildren.

The story is no where near ended–but it needs to be re-written and I think thats going to be the most difficult part of this whole process.

Just knowing the why’s of the pain makes the path a bit more lighted and will make my own personal story that much easier to understand.

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. February 2, 2008 5:54 am

    Hi there-
    Saw on lost and found that you were looking for family of two-
    If you send an email you can be added to the list (the blog is now password protected)- here is the email-*********

    Edited by author to protect information

  2. February 2, 2008 4:59 pm

    I’m glad that reading and working with this book is bringing you so much introspection and healing. You and your DH have dealt with a lot in your lives, and I am so sorry that the hardship is continuing in your quest to build the type of family that you didn’t have. I think it does help to realize where the pain is coming from. Sometimes just understanding brings some healing. I’m wishing the best for you. Hang in there. Sharing all of your thoughts and experiences is helping not only you, but others like me as well!

  3. February 2, 2008 8:52 pm

    Ahhh heartbreaking. I so know what you’re saying when you mention your husband’s eyes and seeing them in your children. It’s always something I’ve wanted so much. As I’ve mentioned before, my DH is Filipino, and I’ve always wanted to see his gorgeous eyes on my children’s faces. It’s so hard to face that that may not happen.

    I’m also glad you mentioned our other family members’ reproductive stories, as that’s something I feel so keenly too, but I chose to highlight a difference aspect. I’m so glad of the blog ring for that reason.

    xoxo

  4. February 3, 2008 2:56 pm

    I just finished my own post for this week and am amazed to see that we’ve expressed the same thing! I am comforted to know somebody else understands how much it hurts to not give grandchildren to our parents.

  5. February 3, 2008 8:17 pm

    I love your blog and your insight rings similar to what I was experiencing this time last year… You just have a lot of love in your family, and I hope your dreams with this come true…

  6. February 4, 2008 7:54 am

    Wow. I didn’t know that about you or your DH. You both must be such strong people… (((HUGS)))

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