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Assessment of Myself

January 18, 2008

Well,

 I’m finally getting this thing on!  By that I mean working through UnSung Lullabies. 

I thought that a great way to start wouldn’t be with the book at all. Instead a reflection and a record of where I am at today.  Hopefully I can look back and see that I have walked a long way and gained a better understanding of myself and where my expectations come from.  I hope to look at where I was (am at now) and realize that I love myself more and to live with this with the knowledge and tools so I don’t get this deep in the sorrow bucket again.

Right now  – at this very moment I am just here.  I don’t socialize as I used to because I don’t feel secure enough in myself to open up to new people.  To face the questions, the children, the pregnancies that will surely come.    I have to admit that I have to succumbed to almost hating myself for being broken and have apologized to my husband for being so. I know that he does not think of me in that way or even considers it- but I guess its all about the failing. 

I am not used to failing and while I don’t want to accept failure— maybe I just need to not look at it in that light. 

I think my dream of family has died and it really doesn’t need to be I just need to revamp/rewrite the “plan” that is in my head…. not because it needs tweaking but because at this point I am so far behind where I feel I should be in the old plan.

In the most raw feeling of right in this moment:

I’ve just ignored it all.  I’ve pretty much withdrawn myself even from the wonderful ladies who are on the same road.  I have really even stopped bloggin about it and I can see the difference it has made in myself.  I’ve withdrawn into myself and not in a good way.

 We are not actively trying at all right at this point.  In fact, we haven’t even brought it up and it sits as a huge elephant in our bedroom.  I won’t even get into my feelings on our bedroom right at this point but I am sure I will address it.

Words that would describe me at this point:

Bitter, Barren, Broken

I can’t do much about the second but I am working on the first and last.

Please follow this link to offer support for the next in the ring–Not Ashamed of My Infertility

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. mtarms permalink
    January 19, 2008 9:53 am

    well put!! I could have written that myself (well except my wording would sucks and stuff) but tally in the same exact place feeling the same way!

  2. January 19, 2008 12:29 pm

    I understand your feelings very well. Let’s help each other stop doing that to ourselves!

  3. etrish permalink
    January 19, 2008 7:36 pm

    Wow! You really hit the nail on the head with that post. You’ve described perfectly all the things I’ve felt about myself and my infertility.

    Thank you, and if it helps to know it, I think you do get beyond the constant raw pain to something more like a familiar dull ache with occaisional flare ups. It never goes away. But it does become manageable.

    Trish

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