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Frustration

December 16, 2007

So what happens when you don’t like any of the adoption agencies in your city?  We decided to look them up yesterday– all two of them and read their policies, neither of which seemed very conducive to a military family.

I mean for both of them they want references from the community but we just got here so we don’t know anyone IN the community to give references.  Then they say they determine your level of readiness (which is fine and I understand that) but that is dependent on things like you philosophy on discipline for a child. 

Don’t get me wrong- We do not condone the beating of any child.  We have very specific rules and ideas about it but it does not exclude spanking (in a very specific area). We believe in progression discipline (if that makes sense) and Hubby said that may be a problem for these people (based on what information they have posted).   We aren’t going to lie to the people cause that would be wrong.

And even then…with all the waiting that is involved…they require six months of in-house check ups after placement.  That would normally be ok BUT say we start this process in May.  At that point we will have been here a year.   Hubby may or may not have a desert exercise over the summer in the middle east/Africa that will last most of the summer.  There is rumor that they are talking deployment at the beginning of 09.  Even then….the longest we have been anywhere is 2.5 years so that would be summer of 09—may get orders anywhere from Jan 09-June 09.

Do we start the process anyway? 

We were lookin mainly into international adoption.  Our country of choice however is Guatemala and with everything so up in the air with them and the Hague Convention we won’t know anything solid until the middle of next year.

So we looked into Puerto Rico since that is where my entire family is from and its not really “international” since they are a province of the U.S.

The problem there?  You have to reside in country for a minimum of six months to be eligible to adopt from there.

Everything just seems to point to making it the absolute hardest for us to become parents in any capacity.

Hubby just got up and walked away after we’d looked around on the internet together for a while.  I was excited because he suggested we look–so that we could “start a savings plan”.

He just said:  “Maybe we really are not supposed to be parents.  Maybe we’ll suck and someone already knows it

I have to say at this point..I can’t even argue the sentiment.

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9 Comments leave one →
  1. geohde permalink
    December 16, 2007 8:25 pm

    Argh, how sucky and red-tape irritating.

    I love your seasonal blog layout 🙂

    xx

    J

  2. December 17, 2007 10:26 am

    I am totally feeling your frustrations with adoption. We’ve been looking into it and sometimes it just seems so impossible! Ugh. I just want to be a mother, and I think I can be a good one. There are babies out there who need help. Why can’t i help them??? sigh.

    On a happy note.. Fancy new digs! Love it!

  3. December 17, 2007 10:40 am

    Ok, if you’re not going to argue that sentiment … then I am (even though I know I have those same feelings, too).

    You will be great parents once you’re given the opportunity. If anything, you’ll know more about good parenting by the time the “red tape” clears, because you’ve had time to dream and learn about what you would or would not do. You will love that child unconditionally once he/she is in your arms and it will be worth the wait to have him/her in your lives.

    Okay. That’s it. That’s the same thing that I keep telling myself over and over again, too.

    I know how frustrating and overwhelming it is to be researching the adoption process. And I can only imagine how difficult it is to do so, being in the military and all. Just know that I’m thinking of you and hope you, too, will find a way to get pass all the red tape.

    Like your festive background, by the way!

  4. December 17, 2007 11:32 am

    I don’t mean to come across as mean, but adoption ain’t for sissies. On a gentler note … and I am kind and gentle, especially when it comes to adoption … it’s most likely that your child is simply not yet ready to be found.

    Do NOT lose hope, or focus, because the process takes both, and a whole lot more. Go to the US State department web site on intercountry adoption — http://www.travel.state.gov/family/adoption/country/country_369.html — and go country-by-country thinking about possibilites and checking out viability. Read blogs. Join forums. Get info.

    You’re in the military? There’s help there, actually. Here’s a url for loads of stuff — http://www.childwelfare.gov/search/search_results.cfm.

    Good luck! And don’t give up. You wouldn’t believe the problems we had trying to adopt internationally from a little island in the Indian Ocean. My now 5-year-old son and almost 3-year-old daughter, both home at 13 weeks, were most certainly worth every minute and every ounce of stress that came by the ton.

  5. December 17, 2007 1:50 pm

    Hello There! You were my first person to comment on my new blog. Thanks for making me feel so welcome…already!!!

    I definitely agree that there is something to this blog thing…cathartic as you say…and that’s why I decided to jump in. I need something cathartic right now.

    I’m so sorry you are having such trouble finding even the beginnings of a feasible adoption plan. That must be very difficult being in the military with so many unknowns! I commend and thank you and your husband for serving our country in such a self-less way!

    I know how frustrating looking into adoption can seem because I’ve looked myself. And it’s almost like the first obstacle takes the “fight” right out of you. Especially considering your first choice would probably not be to adopt anyway.

    I think it’s just the frustration that what should be easy, having a child…is not easy for us and that can be infuriating!

    I will definitely add you to my blogroll too so I can keep up! Thanks again!

  6. December 18, 2007 3:31 pm

    Ok, I admit, I didn’t read your entire post, I was in a hurry, but I’m commenting anyway. Have you considered using an agency in a different state. The one I’m using didn’t require any community references. Plus, you get to use the laws of that state. Texas actually has pretty good adoption laws. The only problem is that you will probably have to travel for placement, but you could end up doing that no matter who you use.

    Anyway, I will catch up when I have more time. Should get back to work. Good luck!

  7. etrish permalink
    December 19, 2007 10:55 am

    Hey there. I really feel your frustration, not only with the beaurocratic red tape of adoption, but even with the conflicting emotions your husband expressed. As hard as it is on us, as the women, it’s equally, if sometimes differently hard on our husbands. They want so much to make a plan and fix everything, including our brokenhearts, and sometimes they just -can’t-, and to them, that’s about as large a personal failure as they know. No matter how strong or supportive they are, they can’t make this thing come out right.

    I don’t have any sage advice for your situation. My hubby and I opted not to pursue adoption at this time, so we haven’t personally faced these challenges. But we have faced the challenges to our marriage posed by infertility.

    Be strong. Support each other. And always remember that you’ll express your grief and frustrations in different ways.

    Fondly,
    Trish
    etrish.wordpress.com
    blessedarethebarren.wordpress.com

  8. December 19, 2007 4:33 pm

    Honey you have to know that’s B.S. There is no cosmic decider of who gets to be parents and who doesn’t. (Jamie Lynn Spears is proof of this fact.)

    Just from my interactions with you on the net I know you will make a wonderful mom someday!

  9. December 20, 2007 8:54 am

    Just wanted you to know that you are certainly not limited to working with an agency in your area. I would recommend looking into other agencies that specialize in the country in which you are interested that may be located somewhere else. You can have a local home study done. Also, none of the three agencies (small, medium, and large) reqd local references- only that the reference know the couple a certain period of time.

    Also, have you read Elizabeth Falker’s book on adoption? The exact title escapes me right now, but I found it really helpful. Oh and also “Adopting After Infertility” is a must.

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