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The Darker Side of Myself

November 29, 2007

I was sitting here in the living room just chillin watching Ma.lto M.ario.  I love Italian food and I think he’s in my top five of celeb chefs out there.

 I was wondering what in the world to blog about today because I feel that I need to (not out of any obligation to anyone else but for myself).  I was thinking about the things that have been makin me kind of raw the last couple days and bad bad thoughts go through my head.   Yes, I am generally a nice person- both online and in “real” life (the line is so blurry these days).  But my mind does have the nasty thoughts.

For example.  Another site I visit (for military wives) I have pretty much turned into a lurker. There is alot of inane conversation (whats for dinner? Help me pick a dress…etc etc)but occasionally someone will have a good tip or a question that I feel I can answer so I do.   There is also a group of women there who are so self-righteous and snotty.  They have their own “bashing” site where they cause drama on the one site to talk about the results and how proud they are of themselves.  They mock women TTC calling them “breeders” and “cows” because they can’t possibly know what they are getting themselves into with wanting children (and yes, some of them have children of their own) and they just want children because its the fad.  Now I know from my own experiences that there are indeed those women out there who think this way, and while I am upset that their fertility comes to easy to them and they take it for granted- I in no way think of them in these terms. 

One particular woman is who I have in mind (and here is where the dark side pops into play).  Over the years I have watched her (yes.. I can be a lurker and a pretty good one as well) make these kinds of comments about some of the women on the site.  I have seen her mock a friend of mine (who went through a really scary time when they thought she may have had cancer) and say that S was making it all up just for attention.  S is pregnant now and the filth that spews from the mouth of this woman *almost* pulls me out of lurkdom.  S is infertile and is so much more open about it than I am.  Her reasoning is that she can’t find help and support from other people if she doesn’t make known her struggles.  Understandable but not the way I operate really–especially before I started my own blog.  So she asked questions on the boards- seeking those other few wives dealing with IF.  The forum only has one forum for “families” and so there is where she went.  This woman mocked her journey, bad-mouthed her husband and insisted that he would leave S because of her inability to produce children.  When S got pregnant and made the announcement on the boards- said “woman” offered her congrats just to go back to the other board and call her a breeder/cow/soon-to-be on welfare mother (because apparently spending money on IF procedures means you won’t have any to  actually provide for the child).

So this woman–whose got three kids of her own and two grandchildren (and her daughters are still living at home with her with the fathers not in the picture)–decided she wanted another baby.  She tried for two months (thank God no complaints from her on how long it took).  I think she is like 15 weeks or something.  Anyway… today she posted about how there are complications and she decided to terminate the pregnancy.  She did not go into details about what those complications were or what the options could have been. 

But you know what?  I was GLAD that another child wouldn’t have to deal with her hypocrisy.  I was GLAD that karma kicked her in the ass.  GLAD that she wouldn’t be blessed with another life in her.  And I don’t feel bad about it.  (hence, the darker side of myself).  For once I think that “fate” or “luck” or “fairness” got it right this time.   I mean– in what universe where one woman puts down another one who facing the possiblity of fatal cancer, her infertility, and then then has the gaul to tell that woman she should question faithfulness of her husband because of that infertility-ENTITLED to bear another child?  Not in mine and I am not ashamed of that.

I do hope that for my regular readers here…this admission of this darker side doesn’t turn you off to reading here .  I needed to get it out though because so often in the area of fertility things don’t seem “fair” and this is one instance where I feel it is.   To clarify- in general- I really feel for women who have complications in their pregnancies and it hurts when they have to terminate esp when they try so hard but even if they didn’t.  I also don’t generally make the assumption that all who goes through this aweful experience deserve it in anyway, shape or form because most times it is senseless.

This is the only instance–because I have seen how she has treated and talked about those who struggle (either with IF or any other serious medical condition-as well as those honestly seeking those women who have lived the military life and askin for the experiences so they aren’t blind).

5 Comments leave one →
  1. November 29, 2007 1:14 pm

    I think Karma is a Bitch and what goes around comes around. Tragic as the situation is, it sounds like this woman had it coming for a while. Further, if this woman is as bad as you imply, I wouldn’t put it all together out of the question that she a.) wasn’t ever really pg or b.) there wasn’t actually anything wrong with the fetus and she just decided she didn’t want another kid after all.

  2. geohde permalink
    November 29, 2007 7:27 pm

    I don’t know, hon. You know what happened to me, I think.

    I wouldn’t wish what that woman is going through right now on my worst enemy.


  3. November 29, 2007 8:24 pm

    As far as the dark side goes… I know I’ve experienced it in myself a time or two.

  4. November 29, 2007 11:12 pm

    Don’t feel bad about your dark side. I think all of us who have struggled with Infertility have had a round or two with it. Or several in my case. 🙂

  5. December 1, 2007 5:35 am

    Hey Lady: 😀

    I’ve had a hellacious couple of weeks but slowly catching up. Wanted to acknowlege this post

    Karma plays a big role in the universe, I believe and applies to everyone including myself. YIKES!

    I know how you feel. And we all have this dark side of ourselves tho very few admit it.

    As well I struggle with my own past mistakes and have a lot of KICK MYSELF IN THE BUTT kind of feelings. Feel somehow that I’ve been punished with my miscarriage last year.

    (selfish, guilty and undeserving, MAYBE) are all feeling I struggle with on a daily basis.

    Not sure where i am going with this but guess I had to tell it from another perspective,

    In the end, I guess I don’t want you to dwell too long in this dark place. Not good for your own spirit.

    This person ( whoever she is ) has to live with herself and will have to answer for her transgressions.

    and YES Karma is a big ole B-I-T-C …

    Take care dear!

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