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The Explaination and other Musings of Our Issues

November 16, 2007

OK, so I am going to write/type this out so that it can finally stop dwelling inside of me.  In reference to my “Oscar” post a few days ago, my best friend told me she was pregnant again.  She called me three weeks ago to tell me they were starting to try ( I believe I mentioned that in another post around that time as well because she was asking me about charting).  Her husband decided to jump on the TTC wagon four weeks ago and got home from deployment four and a half weeks ago.

Figures right?  It figures that they wouldn’t even get through a whole cycle before she ended up pregnant.  That’s how it happened the last time with her now 2 year old son (who is my little man BTW. I love him lots).  We’d been trying for six months already.  They decided the middle of Dec to try for  a baby and by the second week in January they were pregnant (Yup, conception estimated around Christmas Eve–isn’t that jolly?).  There wasn’t one visit from Aunt Flo at all during that phase of trying either.

Happy for her- yes, glad that she has it so easy. 

Jealous of her- you bet- because why can’t it be half a quarter an eighth that easy for me?

Which is the prevailing feeling at this point in time? I’m sure you can guess but in case you can’t its the second one.

Another thing I am sure of (just in my mind of course) is that this is the end of our close friendship.  I mean, I’ve moved away so we aren’t exactly next door neighbors anymore, she is pregnant now as is the majority of the people we hang out with as well as all but one of her sisters.  What is there to relate to now?  I certainly don’t want to hear about all her pregnancy ills, but I will if she calls me- which I doubt because how can I relate?  She’ll call her friend C who got pregnant in October (slightly longer at the trying- a whole two months don’t cha know?), her sister C who found out she was pregnant in September (that one was an oops-she and her hubby weren’t gonna try until January 08), her other sister who is due in December.   Another loss for me–another friend bites the dust. 

It doesn’t help at all the dreams I’ve had since she told me.  Pregnancy dreams.  I hate pregnancy dreams.  Last nights was particularly painful as I woke up with my chest sore–I was dreaming about breastfeeding.  Which is utterly ridiculous as you have to have a baby to breastfeed and to have a baby you have to get pregnant- which is kind of obvious that I can’t do.

Another thing is my libido is dead.  I mean before it wasn’t all that great but now it really is dead.  Just like the news of my friends pregnancy by sex (gasp!) just diggs it in deeper that it hasn’t happened for us in three years so why would I even want to now?  Whats the point?  The whole process of sex is supposed to produce a child if no protection is taken- but when it doesn’t happen then its like whats the point?

I know it can mean so much more than pro-creation.  I know that in my head.  I know I need to get back to it being fun (huh??  I don’t remember that far back–its like a dream that I can only hold on to the edges of) but right now I am still in the phase where it has let me down and I want nothing to do with it.    Poor Hubby.  

I am sure if you read this blog more than just occasionally you remember where I said that he told me he was still holding out hope until we reach the day of three years?  Well, I certainly am not helping him out with that am I?  Maybe this whole aversion thing is subconscious?  Like I’ve given up so he should too, especially since it was a decision that we talked about and agreed upon.   I never thought about that until just now- while typing this.  I guess that could be a reason- maybe more of a reason then what I originally thought (the whole “sex failed me” line of thought in a previous paragraph in case you’re lost).

I just don’t know where to go from here.  I did talk to my Grandma the other day. She asked me about my best friend A so I of course told her that she was pregnant.  A little crack in the voice as I said it since I don’t hide anything from my Grandma ( well not for long as evidenced by her being the only one I have actually TOLD about our infertility).  So she asked how we were goin and I told her about Hubby’s S/A and our chances at natural conception.  So of course she says “So you can always adopt.  You are young. You have time to save the money”.  I know she was totally being sincere about it, especially since she wasn’t completely on the bandwagon with adoption when we first told her it was part of our family plan (before we were even married).  It’s just not what I needed to hear you know?  I just wanted to scream at her that I shouldn’t HAVE to save then spend 10’s of thousands of dollars to become a mother when normal people just have sex and it gets the job done.  I didn’t say it though. It isn’t her fault and its not something she’s ever had to deal with personally. It is good to know that if we decide to bring back adoption to the front burner that she will now be 100% behind us in it.

Some good from the chaos eh?

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. preconceivednotions permalink
    November 16, 2007 3:57 pm

    Hey there, help me catch up. I’m waiting on my boss and running back and forth to the window. Hard to sit here and read your blog and figure out. Please let me know what you spoke to grandma about. Anotherwrds help me catch up. 😀

    But a word of encouragement. At least I hope it helps. For several years before my son was born, I thought I was infertile. It took us over two years to conceive.

    My gf ( she is 9 months younger than I ) got pregnant at the tender age of 13. OH I hated HER!!!!!!!!! She is still my best friend, She turned 46 this month.

    By the way, she WAS in The hospital having her second child when I learned I was six weeks pregnant with my oldest son.

  2. geohde permalink
    November 16, 2007 5:22 pm

    I’ve been lapped, reproductively speaking, by several acquaintances now. Urgh.

    You’re not alone with the complex emotions,

    xx

    J

  3. November 16, 2007 10:24 pm

    Infertility is such bullshit. The proverbial “shit end of the stick”. (Please excuse my language.) I know it’s sad but I find that I realte more with other IFs online than pretty much anyone I know IRL. Because sooner or later they ALL get pg and then there is nothing to talk about / do together anymore.

    I’m so sorry darlin’!

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