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Reflections turned to Rambling

October 24, 2007

Reproductive Trauma.

It’s an interesting phrase, isn’t it?  I had never heard of this before and it is really no surprise. 

Ahh, but you must be wondering, “Well, what is it?”

Simply put it is another way to describe what infertility does to a couple.  Looking at the definition of “trauma” we see that it fits with exactly what this journey has become to many many women.  A silent injury.  A journey that started with such hope and turns into this cycle of craziness. Its overwhleming.  The sense of hope at the beginning, the stress of timing, the waiting, the loss of hope somewhere in the middle of that waiting, the arrival of the hated witch known as Aunt Flo (or your period if you dont’ want to be that creative). The crying that is the culmination of that whole emotional rollarcoaster of the cycle. The sense of failure that comes from the dozens and dozens of failed cycles. The breaking down of your personal self-esteem.

Ending the journey is just as overwhelming as being on the journey in a completely different way.   Having to realize that all the decisions you made with the hope of children stare you in the face everyday.  The house you chose over the apartment because there is more room for children. The neighborhood you chose because of the school district, parks, child-friendliness of it all.  The job you chose (or stayed at) because of the insurance program-even though you hate it.  The SUV/Van/large car you chose because there was enough room for two car seats in the back instead of a flashy newer car that may have been on the wish list.

I know that I said I was going to start reflecting on where I am at now and how I got on this road.  In reading “Unsung Lullabies”, I have come to see that this hope for a child of our own is something that truely starts from the very earliest of our memories.  As for mine, I don’t really know.  I have been trying to class it myself because in all honesty when I was very young and just starting to interact with others, I am told that I have always prefered the company of the guys rather than the girls.  With only one female cousin of my generation the tom-boyishness was pretty much a given for the both of us.  Somewhere in the course of things D moved on from the whole tom-boy thing and started out with the dolls and playing house and all that.  Thinking back on that now I see how we used to play influences how we view life.  If you observe children playing today- the little girl is the Mama with her baby doll.  The little boy is the Daddy and goes and provides for his family.  That is how it is supposed to be for the most part (I completely understand that there are women who work and more and more SAHD’s but I am speaking generally and from my own point of view).   No where in that play does the remote possiblity of no children enter the picture.  The possibly of not being able to have those children is a notion that isn’t introduced at all.  Should it be introduced?  I don’t know.

As a teenager I wasn’t too much into the dating scene.  Too much drama for my tastes and most of the guys I knew were like my brothers.  I didn’t worry too much about it.  However, just because I didn’t worry about it doesn’t mean that I didn’t observe other’s playin the game.  Yes, I admit that there were times that I wished I was in that world, but no one really caught my interest (which is kind of funny lookin back – my now husband and I were friends).  Heck yeah I thought guys were cute and my eye roamed- which I could do without guilt since I wasn’t particularly tied to anyone.   Anyway, back to my observation (s).  There were always those couples that thought they would get married after school.  Some actually did, but most didn’t.  At that point in our lives though- they would do the doodling.  Mrs. S0-And-So loves So-and-So.  Blah blah blah.  Often though the family plan was there.  “We are gonna get married and have X number of kids”.

Believe it or not in my Senior yearbook there are more mentions of family plans than any other.  Always expected.  Even my own- “Plan on getting my degree, getting married and having a few kids”.

I did those things in that order. I graduated with my Degree in Aug 04, got married in Nov 04…started trying for that last part in Dec of 04.  That was a big year for me looking back.  I thought I could say “baby in 05”.  Then that moved to 06, then 07, then 08.  Never did I ever think my story would end up — quit tryin 07 dot dot dot– to be continued– maybe or maybe not.

 I don’t know… my thoughts are all over the place and I thought that by making a post I could sort them out into some kind of order but it isn’t working.  This post is just rambling on with no apparent point. 

I guess I’ll try again later.

4 Comments leave one →
  1. October 24, 2007 8:50 pm

    Do not give up unless you really want to. Maybe you need a break (mentally?) Good luck and blessings to you.

  2. October 24, 2007 9:55 pm

    You sure ain’t alone in your rambling! I do it too! Keep typing… eventually you will get it out!

  3. geohde permalink
    October 25, 2007 10:52 pm

    Reproductive trauma is an excellent turn of phrase.

    Ramble away all you damn like btw,



  4. October 28, 2007 11:50 am

    Trauma is the perfect descriptor. We must have been having a mind meld recently. I wrote a similar post a few weeks ago called “Please Hold for the Children.” Some days the trauma recovery just seems overwhelming.

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