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Nevermind Tomorrow, How bout Today?

October 21, 2007

So, exactly as the particular title of this post indicates….I’ll start reflecting today.  The sooner I sort myself out the sooner I can be more balanced right?

That and my mom just called and asked if I was pregnant.  She’s been having dreams the last few days and was checking to see with me.  I am not one that is totally on board with premonitions and things – but sometimes shes right on.  I have the same thing and so does my sister.  Sometimes (not as often as before) I’ll dream something about a friend and I’ll have to call them to make sure everything is good.  Anyway, she doesn’t know about any of these issues we are having.  I haven’t talked to her about it–but somehow I don’t think she would understand.  She was fertile.  There are five of us children alive- seven total.   She aborted twins when she was seventeen (a decision that she regrets to this day and still does a memorial on the due date).  She had my older bro at 18, me at 19 and so on and so forth.  The only real reason she doesn’t have more is because she got a full hysterectomy so she wouldn’t have to worry about birth control.  After the way my Grandmother (the woman I am closest to in the world) reacted when I told her we were having problems I pretty much decided that I wasn’t going to talk to anyone else in the family about it.  At this point, we are the only ones trying to have a child, everyone else is preventing (and of course on one side of the family there are a couple of Teen oops). 

As a result though, I feel really alone.  I am sure most of you who read IF blogs (or write them yourself) know that even within the relationship- the way of dealing and coping with things can be completely different.  Sometimes venting to a spouse/partner is just plain difficult.  They don’t understand to what true extent the other is affected and yet there is the fear that if you do tell them exactly what’s going on they will be more burdened, and if they tell you that is whats going on within themselves, you take on yet *more* responsibility for causing your spouse/partner to feel that way.  It’s something you are in together but sometimes the wondering (with whom is the problem with, is there blame there, etc etc etc) starts the inability to communicate.  It’s sad but true.  Sometimes it puts soo much strain on the relationship that its a long road to bring it back to where it was when you started out.  I am trying my very hardest to make sure that our road isn’t any longer than it could be which means (on my side) to make sure that I don’t place the blame on him.  That it continues to be us- together.  That’s another reason why I don’t want to know what the numbers are from his last- rather craptastic- S/A. 

I also feel alone in the IF world.  Before we stopped trying I could relate to the stress of supplements, testing, timing, waiting, frustration, hope, more waiting.  Ups and downs of a cycle.  Even when we took a break for a cycle or two I could still relate.  Now though, I don’t.  I don’t feel that I can.  Ladies are doing IUI’s, meds, IVF, etc.  Things that will increase the chances–things that provide the hope that this could be the cycle.  For those who succeed, in my head I am happy for them.  Glad that they have gotten to that step.  In my head I understand the fear that comes from a positive pregnancy test after dealing with IF.  In my heart though- I am bitter.  My happiness is tainted with that and while I don’t like it, the bitterness is there until I come to terms with this. Until I can function in every other aspect of my life that’s been affected or suppressed because of this whole situation- I feel as though I must regulate myself to the sidelines-to the status of “lurker”- because I can’t be honest in my feelings.  Is it reasonable?  I really don’t know right at this point.  I think my first goal will to be able to get back to mah ladies on LP.  To go and offer my own (if delayed) congrats to those who have gotten on the road to what I want so dearly.  Then maybe I won’t feel so much alone because I can communicate honestly with others in this world of IF–no matter where they are in the process of things.

So as I have posted before- I started to read Unsung Lullabies.  I was going to read it just straight through but I think taking it section by section will probably be the best way to proceed.  The very first thing they say is of course to journal or maintain a record for yourself.  Check.  This is it…right here…open to share with whomever wants to go on this journey with me.

The second was to acknowledge all of your losses.  Everything from expectations in each individual cycle, to self-esteem, to relationships, innocence, etc.  It said that I should first think though what my personal reproductive story is- the story that started from when I was a child- a story that every individual has because by nature- we are reproductive beings.   Or we are supposed to be.  I think I’ll start that in another post since it will probably be long and faceted.  This particular post is probably already too long. 

Until then– maybe today, maybe tomorrow– Elusive Reader.

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. geohde permalink
    October 22, 2007 12:07 am

    Hon,

    I am sorry that you feel so alone and with the weight of the world on your shoulders.

    You sound like you’ve got an awful lot to process and think through right now. For what it’s worth, I admit freely that I find it very hard to congratulate the newly pregnant. Even IF’ers. Which makes me feel bad too. But the whole experience is just not easy,

    xx

    J

    PS…you’ve got the linky bee!!!! That’s totally made my day.

  2. October 22, 2007 9:35 am

    I just posted something sorta similar to this on my blog – that I feel very frustrated that I con not continue down the ART path right now. What I didn’t mention is that I have felt this way for A WHILE. Since March in fact. I feel like I formed strong, real, beautiful friendships with my online IF friends. And more, or less, I felt like we were on the same journey, together. But then I stopped moving and everyone else kept moving forward. I felt … left behind. Alone. I know you’ve been trying for about a year longer than myself. I realize you probably feel this sadness stronger and for longer than I have. But just the same, know I do have an inkling of how you feel and that you have a friend in me – TTC or not! All my love!

  3. November 1, 2007 3:38 pm

    Hi there. I just stumbled upon your blog and read this particular post. I can relate to how it feels to not be “actively” pursuing that family you’ve always dreamed about. To me it’s like being stuck in the middle … halfway in the “there’s always that slim chance” and the other half in the “just accept it and move on.” It’s frustrating and, you’re right, it’s lonely. I only started actively blogging about my issues as of this past year and have only recently stepped out of the “lurker” phase of reading other’s blogs. Just wanted to let you know that you’re not out there on your own. And thanks for sharing, so I don’t feel so lonely either!

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