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Where I am At

October 12, 2007

Hey all who read this.

I haven’t really made any personal posts in the last few days.  Honestly, I’m having a hard time of things.  I hate my house.  We got this particular house because of the space. 

Space for the family we thought we would have.  And now its a constant 24/7 reminder of what we don’t have.  We just moved in…and its not likely we are gonna move anytime soon.  We have a two car garage for the one car we have and the car we were planning to get.  We have a four bedrooms and we use one of them- our room.  One is the guest room, we gave the dogs their own room and changed the “nursery” into the place for my books and the desk top.

I still haven’t figured out what to do with myself.

I did go to the Doctor ( called in actually) and got my prescriptions again.  I had requested to be put on OTC stuff (Tylenol, Aleve) to manage my pain because we were TTC.  Yesterday I cried because I wasn’t in pain for the majority of the day.  I slept all night and I was miserable. I know that eventually it won’t be that way and I’ll be glad because I can act like a “normal” person and be able to function better throughout the day, but right now I hate it because its just one more reminder of the dream that won’t happen anytime soon.

I think it would be easier if I had some tiny, minuscule amount of hope that maybe there will be an accident somewhere down the line  but even that was taken away.  Dear Husband got another S/A done and didn’t tell me that he had requested it done.  I don’t have any idea what the numbers actually are and right now I don’t even want to know.  In my current state of mind– I don’t need a reason to blame him. This whole TTC journey has already left our relationship less than what it was before we started.  I’m better off continuing in the line of thought that it’s the both of us.  Anyway, basically (in the words of the oh-so-blunt military doc as related to me by DH) there’s no way in hell we are having children.  His count is low, and the quality of those that are there are crap.    Hubby had his last S/A done about a year and a half ago–before his last deployment and things weren’t as bad then–apparently. The lower half of normal but still normal.  His doc then said that it would still be fine for TTC.   At this point I would love to go back and shove his freakin prognosis up his nose.

Yeah Yeah Yeah. It only takes one. Whatever. 

Anyway, if you all don’t see me much on the boards- this is why.  I’m having a hard time relating now-relating to anything remotely connected to trying to have a baby.  My reactions to some things are more bitter filled than anything and I don’t want to be that way on the boards.  I hate that I have no hope and so I can’t help anymore but that’s the way it is for now. 

I ordered some books to help me gain some perspective on this whole issue, to help us in re-planning our lives,  and to help us find humor.  When we reach that point then we’ll start up on the original adoption plans that we set on the back burner to persue this biological child thing.  We aren’t now because it wouldn’t be fair to the child if we entered into things in the state we are in at this moment. The last thing I would want is for any child of ours to feel second-rate, and I must admit that I am not quite emotionally ready to have someone determine our ability to parent.

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. geohde permalink
    October 12, 2007 5:57 pm

    Hon,

    Hugs.

    I am so sorry for the shitty SA.

    If it is any consolation, we’ve had THREE really, really ugly SA’s. ANd somehow we still concieved spontaneously once.

    I’m not going pollyanna on you, I wouldn’t do that, I’m just pointing out that SA’s can fluctuate naturally quite a bit and that even men with really crap ones can father spontaneously. It just becomes less common the lower the count. But not impossible.

    Thinking of you,

    J

  2. October 13, 2007 11:36 pm

    Gosh, I don’t know what to say. Many hugs. Much luv. I’ll be checking in on you daily.

  3. October 15, 2007 8:33 am

    Wow, I’m sorry to hear you received such terrible news. Have you two thought about IVF w/ ICSI? That’s what my husband and I are having to do, since I don’t ovulate and he has a very low sperm count. They can generally work around the quality of the sperm with ICSI, since they inject one sperm directly into the egg.

    I know money is an issue for you, but if you are near D.C. or can travel there, the program at Walter Reed is pretty good. We’ve had to pay about $5200 so far, with possibly a $1000 more in additional costs. They have pretty good loan interest rates as well. That’s about a 3rd of the cost than it is normally, and they have really good success rates. It’s just something for you to consider and know that there are options out there. I know it is really tough to not be able to conceive naturally.

    I wish you the best.

  4. journey to junior permalink
    October 15, 2007 11:12 am

    i’m so sorry this is where you are at. i hope you find peace and happiness somewhere, somehow. we all need that, don’t we.

    i’ll keep checking in…

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