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September 16, 2007

Interesting word isn’t it?  I’ve been thinking a lot about blame lately.  Sometimes it’s a hard thing to deal with.  Sometimes blame is necessary and others its away of taking all responsiblity for our own actions away from ourselves.

Blame in the infertility game is difficult as well.  Whose fault is it? Is it our own fault for something we have done in our past?  Is it the fault of our Doctors for not telling us or not knowing the full, long lasting affects of whatever birth control they perscribed to us?  Is it our own fault for trusting the doctor?  Is it the food we eat?  Where we live? 

None of the answers are good ones. 

So then you wonder about the responsiblity of it all.  Do you need to assign that responsiblity somewhere to gain closure?  If not closure than acceptance?  Do I absorb all the responsiblity myself–increasing my own burden? 

And blame is odd in my life outside of my fertility issues as well.  My childhood was rough but I would say that generally it was happy.  I learned new things, tried new things and always had loving support.

Then my dad remarried and my life changed.  Whose to blame for that?  Do I blame my father’s wife?  Granted she brought the most change for the bad in the course of my pre-teen and teen years, but who let her?  My father?  By his choice to support her as his wife, I got no support as his daughter–even in the mostly unfounded and absurd accusations that were waged at me.  How much responsiblity do I take for the situations and feelings that I have been trying for years to put behind me?

I am contemplating these things now because I am not in the midst of the situations that I was before – in those I couldn’t be objective and I blamed both my dad and his wife taking none of the responsiblity for things onto myself.  Now I still don’t really want to take much responsiblity–but I do take full on responsibility for my own actions over the years–the right ones and especially the wrong ones.  Thats all I really can do huh?  Thinking about blame in the “inferility” sphere influenced these expanded thoughts.  Its hard to sort them all out. How much do I take on myself?  How much do I assign to others?  How do I appropriate it correctly.

I think I feel the need for this because I don’t have answers to my questions.  I have a lot of questions and as soon as I try to answer one of them then five more crop up in that one’s place–and when you start out with as many questions as I have–my cup runs over and floods my house.

Then comes the issue of forgiveness. 

Which I have to think and pray on–then maybe I’ll blog about it.

One Comment leave one →
  1. Velvety permalink
    September 17, 2007 2:22 am

    Blame is a very negative word, is it not? Neither blame others not blame oneself. Find a reason, if one can. But sometimes we can’t have a reason. Then just accept, and as you say foregive. That’s so powerful, it gives so much of energy.

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