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Indifference to hate and back…(Sorry this is a “darker” one)

September 5, 2007

I feel lke poo today.  Which is sad because its not even 8 yet.  I woke up feelin like poo.  Its not the “I feel sick” kind of feeling… its the “why in the world did I get out of bed today” feeling.  Why am I up early…an hour early.  Because the dogs were barking…which means they had to go out and since hubby is at work, I have to get up to let them out. 

 Anyway, while I feel like crap (to throw in another word since I have used the other so frequently already) let me tell you people about my step-mother.  This woman came into my life when I was eleven years old.  I was with my Grandma at the time because my dad was overseas with the Air Force.  It was the school year and the way our family did things for a long time (after trying to move my brother and myself around with my dad and doin the whole school thing) was that during the school year we would go and live with my Grandmother and attend the same school and in the summer (if it were possible) we would go and stay with my dad if he felt like having us (sounds great doesn’t it–but realize this is my perspective… i have no actual idea what the man was thinking).  So anyway, this was in 94….I met her in March when he got married and didn’t see them again until my brother and I went to Germany for our summer visit.  I didn’t like her much in March (hehehe that sounds funny).  She went through all of my things (she was staying in my room that I shared with my brother) and then told me that they were all “evil” and told me I should get rid of them.  Everything that I had went through my Grandmother so I knew that was a big load of BS.

Anyway, from that moment that is what would happen.  She didn’t want to be in the military anymore so even though she only had six years in and my father 12…more than half way to retirement… she had influenced him to get out of the air force.  I know it was her influence because she bragged about it.  Like she should be awarded a badge or something.  Flying and aviation used to be my dad’s passion.  He went to High School for aviation.  He went into the air force to work on planes.  She had him get out, they moved to FL (and we soon followed), and he got a job at UPS packing trucks.  Yeah… that worked (Not e the scarcasm please).  

On top of makin my life a living hell, she decided that sometime during the first year that we were all in Florida that she was sick.  (more than mentally).  I personally think that she did this to get the attention of my father.  why?  because… let me tell you… he didn’t give her much attention. He was going to college, and working a crap job to live in a house that we couldnt’ really afford to live in.  So this is what started happening.  She started going through my things, reading my journal and then tellin my father about it!  Things that happened- feelings I had- before I even lived with them and I would get LECTURED.  I would get YELLED at.  Not for just a little while but for HOURS….into the night…sometimes all night.  I would go to school with a few hours of sleep.  Then she started feeling “weak”.  She couldnt’ do anything and by god we (my brother and myself) weren’t doing anything to help her….wahhh wahhh wahhhh.  So we would get yelled at while she got attention.  As soon as my dad wasn’t there though, she was right as rain. She could work on the car, mow the lawn, surprisingly all the things she wasn’t able.

Sometime during all of this she started reading medical site and she went from one illness to another.  I have never seen a woman or man want to be sick so badly.  She stopped taking care of herself….so she got fat, and weak for real.  First she “had” Gulf War Syndrome until the VA said she didn’t.  Then she had Fibromyalgia…until the VA said she didn’t.  Then she had some other things until the VA said she didn’t .  They didn’t give her any benefits until she talked to her mother in Wyoming (who works for the VA) and got a diagnosis there (remember we lived in Fl) without them ever seeing her.  Even then they didn’t give her full benefits just partial ones. 

At this point, my brother and I had just graduated HS and instead of working on goin to college we were supporting our parents.  We paid rent to live in our own house, we took on half the bills (well not willingly), and our share of the insurance (even though I think that was fibbed too cause how was it I paid more in insurance when they had so many tickets and crap under their names…whatever)…my dad had lost his job and my step mother had quit hers because “she couldn’t handle working”.   For that year they both stayed home.  Anyway so my dad got a job with the city and better insurance.  So you know what she did?  Went back to the dr’s crying that something was wrong with her. 

And that brings us to recently….

She had them test her for MS—negative

She tried to get them to do a spinal tap on her—they refused because it wasn’t medically necessary

She tried to say she had seziures—they monitored her for a week and a half out-patient and she checked herself into the hospital to be monitored.

Shes had scans and xrays, tests—none of which say anything is wrong with her.

They sent her to a shrink and she refuses to keep her appointments (anyone care to possilby guess the cause?).

Ever since I myself was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and CFS she calls me like I want to talk to her about it.  She wants to know what meds Im on so she can try them too.  She asks what my symptoms are.  She acts like I enjoy this!  I don’t… I don’t want to talk about it.  I don’t want to have it at all!

She called me last night and starts the conversation with “Im at ___________ _______ Hospital”.  yeah and I care because…..?  I don’t.  I don’t really care at all what is going on with her.  I don’t ask becuase I don’t want to know.  I listen when she calls but I don’t ask questions because I don’t want to know.   Apparently…she felt weak (again…remember … she doesn’t DO anything.  She occationally goes to a friends house and to church but that is about it…and that isn’t even often.  She sleeps ALL day, sits in a chair the rest of the day—and then wonders why she feels weak? why she feels poorly?)  So she told my dad to take her to the hospital because now they can catch whatever elusive illness is wrong with her.  Then she proceeds to tell me that shes been having my dad stay home from work for the last 12 days!  He’s got a good job with the city and at this rate she is gonna get him fired.  She had him stay home because she “didn’t feel good”. 

I don’t think she started out sick, but I do think that she has made herself that way.  With years of insisting on medication.  Of acting like an invaild.  The mind is a powerful organ and I think she has *thought* herself disabled.  You know she was GLAD when she was issued a tempoary disablity parking pass?!  Waved it around like it was a thousand dollars.  Was pissed when they took it away from her because she couldn’t prove that it was medically necessary.

All this is just the medical stuff.  We’ll not get into all the other stuff that she put me through in those hellish years of my teen life–even though that would round out the picture of my feelings toward her.  I don’t want to write a novel.

I don’t want her to call me again.  I am pretty sure she will.  She always does when she gets results back.  Its too much to deal with her— period.  It always has been but I did it because I wanted the relationship with my dad that I had before she strolled into our lives–but that was gone forever.  Lost in time–just a memory.   Now though, with all this IF stuff I don’t want to deal with her even more.  I don’t want her beggin for my attention, I don’t want her complaining to me about her phantom illnesses when I have my own actual medically supported issues to deal with.

I had cut them out of my life for the most part and was happy with a phone call or two a year.  I don’t want to be yanked back into it.   I am glad we live so far from them so that I don’t have to endure days of them in my home.  I had moved from hate to indifference and I like it that way…but with everything happening its bringin up all the old memories.  All the crap she put me through and the hate is starting to build again.  I am sorry I am typing this for all the world to see…but its getting it out of me.  I won’t have to dwell on it after I hit the save button.  I won’t.   I won’t move back into that angry place anymore than where I am now….a toe over the threshold.  I am pullin the toe back over the line of indifference with the ending of this.

I am doing it right now.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. ilissa permalink
    September 5, 2007 9:26 am

    wow. i’m at a loss of words over this woman. you are definitely doing the right thing by drawing a big-ass line for self-preservation. she sounds like a completely toxic person. what a shame.

  2. September 5, 2007 11:29 pm

    It’s good to cut this out… life has to move on… forward and not backward.

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