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Loneliness and Infertility

August 24, 2007

So..here I am again.  I have a lot I am feeling but my issue is that I can’t seem to know the words to put down that will describe it.

A couple of days ago I found out that two old friends of mine are both pregnant with their second child.  In the time of course since we have begun trying.  I don’t’ begrudge them their joy over things…that is far from the truth and I would be lying to myself to try and convince anyone that was the issue.  Just again I feel left behind….and not only left behind…but lapped in being left behind.  I’m not even angry about it–this hand that’s been dealt to me for no apparent reason– I am just really sad for myself.

And I feel more alone today.  Infertility is a strange thing.  There are so many out there affected by it but no ones journey is the same.  Even in how they deal with things within a couple.  I know that my Hubby mourns the loss of hope in this child that may never be.  I know because he’s not only said it to me…but shown it to me as well through his actions, his way of speaking (or not speaking) on the subject.  But he doesn’t know me.  How it affects me on the inside.  He knows what I tell him but I can’t tell him every feeling that passes.

Even in a crowd of fellow infertile people–its not hard to feel lonely.

Yesterday (as my previous short note stated) I told my Grandma about our Infertility problems.  It didn’t even go remotely as I had hoped it would.  She told me to relax because if there isn’t anything wrong then it will happen.  If there wasn’t a problem then it wouldn’t be taking us this long! She told me I needed to stop thinking about it.  And I had to tell her that infertility isn’t caused by “thinking too much about it” and we certainly did not start out this journey “thinking too much about it”.  She did tell me that my cousin and his wife are also having problems and have been diagnosed as “unexplained”.  I am sorry for that, but in my current selfish phase now all I can think of is that its me.  Not my husband or a joint issue with us as a couple- but that we can’t have kids because of me.  My cousin and I are the only ones trying to have children in our family at this point.  Our generation hasn’t produced one child as of yet.  Previous generations in our family would have had multiple children by this point in our lives.  That thought doesn’t help things either.   What if our generation is a sterile one?  Irrational I know but still a thought that I have now because of this chat I had with my Grandma.

She then told me of my Great Uncle who took 10 years to conceive their first child.  Is that supposed to be a comfort to me? Provide me with hope?  I am totally sure that she meant it to, but the fact of the matter is that in terms of fertility—theirs does not affect mine.  I do wish they were still alive so I can ask them if they used ART’s–any form of the early procedures.  I know my Grandma wouldn’t know because if IF is such a taboo now —then it must have been unheard of to talk of reproductive issues.

I haven’t told anyone in our “real” lives about our issues because of fear of what they may say.  Now I definitely won’t be trying to inform any of the others

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