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I’m a little Miffed

August 1, 2007

I know….how many times can a person post in fifteen minutes?! Today though I don’t want all my thoughts jumbled together as I am thinking about these things separately in my mind.  Since I am reduced myself to only this one blog then I must make several posts.

Warning:  I am about to rant so it may be irrational, illogical, etc.

So I posted about my feeling about the newly pregnant in our online community.  I stated that any ill feeling lies solely with myself and are in no way due to the announcements of these ladies.  So here was the board solution.  Make a separate thread for those who are pregnant so they can talk about things like beta numbers, scans, symptoms, fatigue- you know *being* pregnant.  Before we only had two graduates so that was kind of not feasible, but now there are at least six so it is more feasible.

It was said that the non-graduates (those of us til on the seemingly fruitless journey of TTC)  would be able to go in and read about what is going on with our graduates.  This way we can keep up with them but as our discretion.  So today I thought to myself that I am having a pretty good day.  I have had a pretty good couple of days actually and I went to see how our ladies were doing.  I am not sure, even now, if what I read has pissed me off or hurt my feelings.  Of course none of it was directed at me in particular but the general implication is what has “raised my back” so to speak.

One of the ladies said that our post about “what to do” concerning the pregnancies.  It was a board discussion that *I* thought was handled rather well.  We discussed what guidelines (if any) and protocol there should be as far as pregnant people posting on a TTC #1 12-24 months board.  Obviously the majority of the people TTC are not going to understand or empathize with someone who is going through pregnancy.  Also, pregnancy isn’t the focus of the board, its the journey TO getting pregnant and the frustration of it all.  Many of us on the board have been in Buddy groups on different (but mostly Fertilityfriend) boards where the majority of members have gotten pregnant and had children–and those TTC feel left out and no longer receive support.   Anyway, the sum of the conversation was the creation of the graduate pregnancy board and the determination that any advice and opinion on any of the TTC  topics would be most welcome from the graduates as well as any participation in any of the Off Topic posts.

One of the newly pregnant ladies said that she didn’t appreciate the conversation.  That she wasn’t going to post anymore and stick to the pregnancy board from this point on.  That she felt like she never really fit in because she “wasn’t that bitter in the first place”.  That is a huge load of crap because she has been on the boards since its creation.  On FertilityFriend she was railing and venting and whining about the frustration of the journey.  About the trips to the RE, the testing, the ignorance of the general populace…but NOW that she is 4wks4days pregnant she “wasn’t THAT bitter”?!  Has the pregnancy amnesia already started to kick in?  I believe so.

And what does that statement say about those of us who do feel at home on our board?  That we are “TOO” bitter?  That our frustration is somehow more than the average person at this stage? You know I looked up the definition of “bitter” on Miriam-Webster online at m-w.com.  Here is one of the meanings of bitter:

Main Entry: 1bit·ter
Pronunciation: 'bi-t&r
Function: adjective
Etymology: Middle English, from Old English biter; akin to Old High German bittar bitter, Old English bItan to bite — more at BITE
1 a : being or inducing the one of the four basic taste sensations that is peculiarly acrid, astringent, or disagreeable and suggestive of an infusion of hops — compare SALT, SOUR, SWEET b : distasteful or distressing to the mind : GALLING <a bitter sense of shame>
2 : marked by intensity or severity: a : accompanied by severe pain or suffering <a bitter death> b : being relentlessly determined : VEHEMENT <a bitter partisan> c : exhibiting intense animosity <bitter enemies> d (1) : harshly reproachful <bitter complaints> (2) : marked by cynicism and rancor <bitter contempt> e : intensely unpleasant especially in coldness or rawness <a bitter wind>
3 : expressive of severe pain, grief, or regret <bitter tears>

Yes, I believe we are bitter.  I know that I am.  Who wouldn’t be?  Pregnancy is supposed to be easy!  Our education teaches us that we must PREVENT until we want to be parents.  Prevention with artificial hormones that mess with out bodies and the way that it is supposed to work.  They don’t teach us how our reproductive systems work.  They never even ACKNOWLEDGE the possibility that it couldn’t happen. It is very “distressing to the mind” when it doesn’t happen.  The intensity of the sense of failure and sometimes shame that comes with infertility is very real and (like in my case) can affect every single part of a persons life!  We are all “relentlessly determined” to over come it and for some that may never happen.  To get pregnant- to achieve that goal-to finally be past that first step of conception and have a viable pregnancy should NOT negate all that came before.  All those feelings of doubt, failure, hopelessness, frustration etc should not be forgotten or dismissed.

And right now, in this moment, it is the ultimate betrayal to distance themselves from those of us still on this journey to the first step.  I hope and pray for the best as these women continue their pregnancies.  They have all had great beta tests at this point and all have viable pregnancies.  I am going to have to step away though.  I am gonna just have to not know what is going on with this particular batch of women.  When they give birth I will leave my congratulations but I cannot see at this point how I can respond to any post they may have.

Maybe I am just too emotionally invested in people I don’t even really know.  Another thought for another day.  That is the end of my irrational rant.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. August 2, 2007 1:27 pm

    I understand how you feel about that lady’s comment. I think there is this sense of abondonment when you share a problem such as infertility with someone, and then they get pregnant and you don’t, especially when they become unsupportive of those who are still ttc. The only thing I can think of was that the women who got pregnant may have also felt abondoned by those who were still ttc. Although they are pregnant, they are still in a vulnerable stage of trying to believe that it’s reality, and that they were somewhat “set aside” into a different section of the blog may have hurt their feelings (I know that’s probably not what you guys intended, I’m just taking a guess as to how they feel). It was no doubt for the best, but sometimes when emotions are as raw as when dealing with infertility, people take things harder than maybe they should. However, I do believe that the one lady who responded that she was not “that bitter” when she was trying to conceive was in the wrong. She knew that those who were still ttc would read the posts, and I’m sure she was trying to lash out. The only thing to do with those people are just to ignore them the best you can.

    I am sorry you are going through infertility. I know how it feels, as you may have read in my blog, and although I never expected to become as emotional about it as some of the other women whose blogs I read, I find that I cannot help it. There is a loss of control with infertility that is hard to deal with. I wish you the best, and I will continue to keep up with your blog to follow your progress.

  2. dayzofrain permalink
    August 2, 2007 1:41 pm

    I never expected to feel this way or be in this situation…never in my entire life! Its good though to get it out ya know? I kept these emotions in for a greater part of these two+ years and its not done me any good.

    I follow you on your blog as well….many positive thoughts your way

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