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Conflicted

July 31, 2007

So I am feeling a little bit guilty and selfish all at the same time.  I have posted before about my support board on Loungeplace.  I have been thinking if I should put the link to this blog in my siggy but I am hesitant about it.  Could I be as free to post my thoughts and feelings about the things in my life-which would sometimes of course include this board?  Not that I would come on here and call someone out because none of the women are like that on this board.  FertilityFriend…that’s a different story.  Sometimes I have to post about the foolishness that goes on and the blind, willful ignorance so that I don’t get “in trouble” on the board.

So then the question to myself is why am I hesitant?  Surely these women know what I am going through.  But if I am having a particularly difficult day (which I haven’t for a couple of weeks now) and I put that here, would someone there be offended? I don’t personally think so but one never really knows about these things.   They may also be having a difficult day. 

What about when one of them gets pregnant?  This last week has brought four of our board members BFP (Big Fat Positives for those of you who don’t know). 

 I am glad for them- glad that this journey to a child can finally move to the next step of pregnancy. 

I am scared for them- that their pregnancies might not go to term or deliver them that child.  I don’t want to say this to them because who wants to put a damper on the joy of reaching this point?  I know its at the back of their minds because we have been at this long enough to see many women miscarry and the pain associated with it.

I am jealous of them. I think that is pretty much self explanatory.  It not the raging anger kind of jealousy, but rather the silent kind.  The kind that hits the heart with a small pang and then becomes apart of it.  It keeps me from being 100 percent for them

I want to know what they are going through and yet–I don’t. But then….I do. It has nothing to do with them though and everything to do with me.  I try and find hope for myself in their success but their progress is not my progress.  There success is not my success as much as I am glad of it for them.  These thoughts are in my mind. They don’t go away.

And then there are those who have moved beyond where we are to ART’s.  I am jealous of them too.  Odd as that sounds.  We are at this for 2 years, 7 months, 16 days and we don’t even know what is wrong with us!  We are so scared to do anything more invasive than we already have and its not something that we are gonna overcome anytime soon I don’t think.  Fear is a mighty powerful thing and it has kept us from the drugs, from the IUI’s, from the IVF.  Hope is what combats fear—only our hope is has worn thin over these many cycles.  We have only the tiniest of hope at this point.  Without knowing what is wrong there is no way to fix it.  No way to fix what is wrong means that the chances for these things working is low.

I know there are many unexplained infertile couples out there who go through these procedures.  I know many of them are successful but I have a hard time equating that to us in my mind. I am jealous that they can move past the fear — that the hope is great- their hope is greater than mine.  I see them talking about what they are doing…what their protocols are and who is doing what on the same time schedule.

I write all these things here–in this place of mine and am willing to share it with complete strangers, yet I hesitate to reveal to those I “know” how far into this pit of hopelessness I have fallen.  I don’t want their opinion jaded of me when I post on the boards.  Not saying that they WILL but the possibility that they MIGHT is what I think is stopping me.  I don’t want any of the pregnant ones to feel that my feelings are caused by them–because I know that it truly isn’t caused by them but is all me.  I don’t want any of them to feel as though I am being false in my congratulations to them or in my well wishes for their procedures to work, because I am. 

I don’t know.  I am a quandry about it. 

Another thing I am having somewhat of a conflict with is with ART’s itself.   If you read my epiphany post a couple days ago, this is where my conflict starts.  Its funny that with revelation comes more questioning but in this case here is my question.

Am I circumnavigating God in even contemplating these procedures (which I have started to do)? Meaning that since God is the giver of life- in going outside of what is natural-am I bypassing God’s will?  I think of how I am against ending the innocent life of a baby because that is a miricle of God-but how does the theory apply when instead artifically ending life, I artificially begin it? Is that God’s will? Is it within His laws?

BUT God gave man his ability to think-to reason and free will to make choices.  He gave man dominion over all the earth and all in it—so would that apply to this situation as well.  As those who have been given dominion and freewill—should we not be able to do this within God’s law and grace?  There is the command to love-God and eachother.  Is not a child the greatest product of love?  At least it *SHOULD* be.

I am conflicted in my thoughts and while it feels good to have it out of me and into the universe–

I have no resolution to the conflict.

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