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Thoughts on (In)Fertility

July 27, 2007

I have been what I consider to be “overly emotional” the last few days.  I am apart of a group, a wonderful group of ladies on Loungeplace.com.  This is a group of women who are going throught the same trials and tribulations of this crazy journey for a long amount of time and diagonised as infertile (explained or not).  Anyway this group was formed because on FertilityFriend infertiles are really kind of shunned.  OK… back that up and let me rephrase. Infertiles who try and shed some perspective or share some knowledge are shunned..and in some cases banned from the site all together.

Before I go on let me explain something about fertilityfriend.  It is a great site for charting.  Its actually the best out there (in my opinion as I have tried ovusoft, mycycles, fertilitycircle) as far ease of use and understanding.  However, the boards is a completely different story.  Its great when you first start out becuase its new and exciting, but if you stay on the board for years *without* getting pregnant then things are different.  With length of time a person learns more about the process and in some cases more than a regular doctor or ob/gyn.  A person (someone new to the process or just a few months into it) asks a question and there are two kinds of answers.  Someone in the same boat as the original poster is usally all sunshine and butterfiles.  Someone like me, who has been at this a while and had these same questions answered, will tell the truth.  Its a board full of adult women so the truth shouldn’t have to be covered in sugar and sweets.  The censorship on the boards is absolutely rediculous. 

Anyway on Loungeplace this week we have had four women get their postivie pregnancy tests back and it really did make me cry.  I am glad for them (one of the women has been at this for four years).  I do hope that their pregnancies go to full term without any issues or bumps in the road ahead.

But….I am jealous.  I am so green with envy.  I want it to be me soo badly.  All of these women are going to make great mothers and I know that.  I don’t even know what words to use to describe my feelings.  Loss can definately be one but I don’t know in what way I have lost.  I have lost another month of my life. Another cycle of false hope (as small as that hope may be).  I have lost the ablility to be completely and fully happy for someone when they find out they are pregnant- it doesn’t matter the time it took (even though I am *MORE* happy for those who have been trying awhile than for those who get pregnant the first month or fourth or eighth month).  I lose more and more my abliltiy to not be bitter about it.   I feel really bad that I have this seed of resentment, a seed of jealousy.  That is completely on me though.  I would never dare to blame my infertility on any woman who gets pregnant.  I am working on changing my point of view (part of the purpose of this).  I think that it is working though.  Postin here has helped my relationship with my husband.  My remarks aren’t all negative like they were before-even just a week ago.  I’ve actually laughed a little bit.  Sounds wild I know but its been a long time since I’ve laughed. 

Yesterday a woman here on wordpress wrote a blog about infertility.  She is a woman who chooses not to have children and doesn’t understand the need a person with infertiliy has for a child that is their own.  Many women gave wonderful answers that will hopefully shed some light on the issue for this lady.  I was thinkin about replying but I decided not to.  Why?  Well I didn’t really know what to say.  I want to be able to bring life into this world and experience the bond with someone who is the living evidence of myself and my husband.  To see whose eyes, whose facial features, whose personality they have.    How do you explain the sense of personal failure to someone who doesn’t want children?  She chalked that failure feeling to the pressure of society, but it has nothing to do with social pressure.

Anyway..thats enough of that for now

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One Comment leave one →
  1. writeasrain permalink
    August 31, 2007 9:36 am

    I dont know as if anything i have to say will mean anything to you; however, as i happened along and read your blog today, i reflected on my own journey over the years.
    I dont know how old you are but i was where you are now. I too was married to a military man. We just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary. He was in the USMC. We both grew up in large families. We decided before we got married that when we did indeed get married we wanted to adopt two children and have two children, perfect right? not! God had different ideas.
    We started trying for pregnancy about 3 months into our marriage. It wasn’t happening right away. The Navy drs. kept telling us too to “relax”. Most hated words when you are newlyweds and trying to conceive. We weren’t uptight. Just eager.
    During the first year, we had one undocumented pregnancy. I felt pain rip through my stomach. I didnt know i was pregnant. I was on the phone with my neighbor who was a nurse. I was devastated. Later we had what we thought was another pregnancy again unconfirmed.
    Turns out i had developed a thryoid condition. Hypothryoidism. No one explained to me that this can cause your hormones to get out of balance and allow your body to not support the life of a baby without proper medicine.
    We rode the roller coaster of undocumented infertility for a long time. Still to this day we do not have birth children. For a time, sex became not an expression of our love for each other but an exercise in procreation only. We both dealt with our blame game in our heads…he blamed himself while i blamed myself. We both wondered but did not express whether the other partner blamed them as well.
    For a long time…it felt as if there was no point in lovemaking. It didnt produce results. We had to learn that we needed that even more than most couples as we were desperately feeling lonely and isolated and filled with resentment and longing that was not happening for us.
    It was and is still a desire that is unfulfilled to create and carry a birth child. We did end up adopting. We ended up with a houseful of children. Adopted…and foster children (18 years of fostering). It has been a journey that could fill a book. Often we are told to write a book.
    We are Christians. We too wonder about bypassing God in our need/decision to have a family. I hope that somehow…God finds a way to fill you with his peace and fill up those empty spots. I wouldnt presume to tell you what to do. I only know that for us it wasnt about just wanting to have children in our life. It was a emotional and physical need.
    Until it happens as it will in some way shape or form…look for opportunities to fill those needs…volunteer at a preschool…hospital…daycare…babysit neighbors and neices and nephews…or whatever.
    I know it isnt the same. However, it will help to pass the time until you and your husband find a way to create your family. I know the envy,the resentment (of it being so easy for others), the sadness, the hope and disappointment of it all. There is hope. Scripture says that he will give you the desires of your heart when you are faithful to him.
    Best wishes to you and your mate.

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