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The Beginning of this TTC Journey

July 18, 2007

So this is my first post today.  I thought yesterday’s three was a bit excessive especially since it was really just rambling.

First, on the TTC front I should probably give you a bit of history since the whole point of this blog is to bring me to a place where I can still be happy even with this issue.  So that the rest of my life is not tainted by this one aspect.

We started trying to have a baby in December of 2004.  At that point I had just finished college, he was back from Korea and we had already been together for three and a half years.  I was nieve to think that it would just happen because that is what our bodies are made for, right?  We had planned to start in December so my last depo shot was in June of 2004–six months before.  I had read that it would take at least that long to get cycles back to “normal”.  Of course since I had never paid much attention to my cycles (and with being on Depo for a couple of years I had like two bleeds) I didn’t know what what normal.  My doctor, as great as he was, told us to basically have sex in the middle of my cycle.  He was of course thinking I had ‘textbook’ cycles: 28 days- O on CD14 and a 14 Day LP.  He did tell me that it might take awhile.  My periods had returned about four months after my last shot.  They were fairly long bleeds- 7 days.  The cramps that I had not missed while on birth control came back with a vengence.  That I knew was hereditary.  My mom had terrible bleeds and so does my younger sister.  So by the time December came along I had two regular cycles at around 31 days each.

Six months later nothing had happened.  My cycles all started when they should have and we were doing exactly what my doctor had said we should be doing and when.  So I went to see him, but we hadn’t been trying a year even though I had been off of depo for a year.  We were still in that “normal conception window”.  At this point I decided to ditch the pen and paper tracking of my cycle and joined Fertility Friend.  This helped me out alot and I learned more than I ever would have if I hadn’t been on the journey- for that I am grateful.  I was mad though that no one thought to let me know these things before that point.  Again- the assumption that everyone gets pregnant previals- like there is no need to know what your body is supposed to be doing.

Anyway, so for another six months we tried.  Our timing was alot better though because of the knowledge.  December of 05 I went back to the doctor  because it was a year (a year and a half from my last Depo shot).  I did all the testing and everything came back normal.  I was so sure something HAD to be wrong and they had to find it!  So then it was hubby’s turn–nothing wrong with him either.  So we were at that point “UNEXPLAINED”.

Normally people are happy there isn’t anything wrong with them but I was devestated.  At that point ARTs was out of the question for us.  Why?  Because, what kind of help could it be if there was no idea why we were having the problem that we were?  We obviously weren’t a healthy couple so our chances were less than 20% a cycle.  That is alot of money going toward something we have no idea will work.  I should also mention that we are saving for adoption as well.  Adoption has always been apart of our family plan. We knew it would be costly so we got our finances in order and started saving.  Our faulty thinking was that we can get pregnant for free so we can start trying and by the time we have the money our family will have already been started. So we talked to some friends and found about approximately how much they spend a month on their children.  We multiplied by two and put that money aside every month.  Things were tight but it was  a sacrifice we were ready to make for our future family.  Anyway, yes we have the money for ART’s available for the most part but its not available..KWIM?

So we tried for another three months and hubby got deployed for the next six which then got extended to nine.  We got orders and now here we are in El Paso.  During his deployment I retested everything and something *did* come up.  So I was tested for Lupus.  But after two testing session (six months) medication had corrected my numbers and all was well.  I got my pap and vaginal ultra sound and everything came back normal.  Before we left Georgia hubby did his testing again and that came back normal.

So now here we are- July of 2007.  I am in my two week wait for my period to start.  Right now though we aren’t even trying in the sense of the word of the past two years and seven months.  I am filled with bitterness because the one thing that is supposed to happen when you have sex isn’t happening.  I am in a new enviroment where I know no one.  I don’t know where anything is so I feel trapped in my own home.  The pre-TTC me and even the pre-2 year mark me would have found a way to get myself involved in something, but now all I can see are the other women- the ones who are pregnant, the ones with five kids running around.  I see the teenagers who are pregnant and can’t take care of themselves much less a child and my bitterness grows.  I see people like Nichole Richie and its more food for that bitterness. I see women and girls who abuse their bodies with drugs and alcohol get pregnant and here I am…a barren women. I have never done drugs, smoked a cigarette, or even drink alcohol.  I have only had sex with one man- my husband.

I stopped going to church because I couldn’t handle the “blessed” phrase. For those who have been at this awhile know that “I have been blessed with a child” or “Our marriage is blessed by God because He gave us children” is just a slap in the face.  Am I less worthy of God’s blessings?  Is our marriage somehow a blasphemy because we don’t have children?  I miss Church and I know the preaching is what helps my relationship with God grow, but my relationship with God can grow through other channels as well so now I have attempted that route.

I am withdrawing from the support groups that I eagerly joined at the beginning of this journey because most of the women there are already working on their second and third children.  The newbies are irriating me because of their “its four months and I am pulling my hair out” or those who are claiming pregnancy symptoms at 2 or 3 DPO and freakin end up pregnant.  Because those newbies attack ME because I bring that spoon full of realism to the table.  I am called unsupportive, brash, rude because I state the facts: such as at  2 or 3 DPO there is no way to experience pregnancy symptoms because the embryo (if there was one at that point) hadn’t even implanted yet so there wasn’t any HCG in the system.

Hubby also decided that we should wait indefinately on our adoption.  He can’t handle any more waiting at this point.  So the plan…we kinda “try” until we reach that three year mark–take whatever kind of vacation we want and then see where we end up from there money wise.  If we are where we feel we need to be in this acceptance then maybe we will start the process of adoption.

I just want to be a mom.

Apparently, at this point, that is asking too much

One Comment leave one →
  1. Lisa permalink
    August 11, 2007 2:22 pm

    I have just read your blog and I want you to know that I feel you in every way. I have been ttc for 18 months now and I have lost all my positivity and all my faith. I can’t stand going to church or my regular emails from Christian sites. I feel abandoned and cursed. I’ve on my second three month cycle of Clomid (had the other cycle last year June – this is the grug from HELL) and my husband is not supportive at all. He calls me a bad wife and goes out indefinetly. I’m afraid to even mention what I’m feeling for fear of rejection. Telling you to hang in there would be a mockery of your feelings (as I have learnt). Find something you enjoy and try to keep busy. Every body and their dog is pregnant or have a child already, I love them but can’t stand them. This is one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with. Be consoled. I wish you luck and I wish you peace.

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